Dead of Summer - Page 118

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

The next morning, Kayde wakes me up before leaving again, and I can’t stop the swirl of an oncoming existential crisis. Not when I should be sleeping, not at breakfast, and not when Liza volunteers me to go get the last two kayaks from the boathouse.

Though as I’m dragging them toward the river, it hits me what today is and what I’m about to do.

Suddenly, my emotional turmoil over Kayde and what he is takes a back seat to my fear of the river. I’ve never been good at this, and without Liza to pony me along, I’m terrified of something happening the same way it had two weeks ago.

Which only makes me think about nearly drowning under Shawn’s stupid ass in the pool, and it’s official. This is not my summer to take chances around water, and I’m about to offer myself up to the karma gods yet again.

“Great,” I mutter, my stomach fluttering as I drop the kayaks beside the others. I hadn’t expected this, truth be told. I hadn’t expected the way my stomach would roil with nausea, or how my legs would lock at the thought of getting back on the river in a kayak.

It’s not that big of a deal, I chide myself mentally. The kayak wasn’t even the problem. It had been a fucked up coincidence, and an accident as well. But somehow, my brain doesn’t get the memo that it’ll be fine this time.

It has to be fine this time.

I suck in a breath, then another, and belatedly I realize Liza has said something to me from a few feet away. But I’m too busy staring at the water and trying not to lose it.

“Hey.” Liza touches my arm and I jump, looking at her with wide eyes. “Are you okay?” Her sunglasses reflect my nervous, pinched look, and I look at myself in them and try to smile.

“Yeah, I’m…I’m great.” I’m not doing so great. I can remember quite clearly the pain from the kayak paddle and the feel of literally drowning in the river. No matter what I do, it plays in my head over and over whenever I even look at the kayaks resting by the shore. “Sorry if I don’t seem like it.”

I’m really not great.

Liza studies my face before frowning in sympathy. She steps closer, hand on my arm again, and says, “You can stay here, okay? Daniel, Kayde, and I can handle the kids. Seriously, Summer. It’s no big deal.”

It’s no big deal, is what she says. But that’s not what I hear. If I were a dog, my hackles would be up. As it is, I scuff my foot along the ground under me, hating how the words make me feel. I’m not a coward, or a kid who needs to be coddled. I’ve kayaked multiple times a year, every year, and this cannot be the time that I give up and run back to my cabin with my tail between my legs.

But on the other hand, I can’t deny the anxiety that pulses in my throat, or the way something loosens in me when she gives me the option of staying behind. My mouth opens, and I rush to figure out what I’m even going to say to her, when an arm wraps around my waist, pulling me a step back.

“She’s okay,” Kayde promises, resting his head on my shoulder. “She can do this, Liza.”

Liza looks between us, and I give a wan, hesitant smile. “I’ve totally got this,” I agree, lifting my hands in thumbs up motions. “Can’t keep me out of the water. Not in July.” Though I’d prefer any body of water other than this damn river.

“It’s an option if you want to stay,” Liza tells me firmly, repeating her words. “Or we have an extra double this time, so you can kayak with me if you want.” When Kayde shifts behind me, clearly uncomfortable with her words, Liza’s eyes fall on him and narrow.

“Don’t let your face get stuck like that, Kayde,” Liza says, her voice flat. “She’s been kayaking with me for years now.”

“Only because I wasn’t here,” he’s quick to point out. It’s surprisingly honest, for him. His mask has started to fall around both of them, as I’ve noticed, but neither Kinsley nor Liza seem to mind or be afraid. But then again, can I really be shocked? The two of them have faced down Fink, other counselors, and wild animals without blinking. Kayde probably doesn’t faze them, since they have no idea what he really is. “But I’m here now, so you don’t have to be her boat buddy.” He says it in such a friendly tone of voice that I can’t help rolling my eyes at the act.

Liza doesn’t quite seem to believe him either. “Jealousy isn’t a good look for you.” But she steps back with a quick look at me that has a frown touching my lips.

“She’s right,” I tell Kayde as Liza crosses the shore to talk to the kids. She’s always in charge of kayaking, and gives the kids their list of rules and what not to do in the water. “Jealousy really isn’t cute on that face of yours.” Teasingly, I reach up to hook my fingers around his jaw, and Kayde looks down at me witheringly.

“I’m not jealous.”

“You’re…certainly something.” The distraction is helping my nerves, though not by much, and I try to surreptitiously suck in a deep breath to stop my heart from pounding. Naturally, he notices. Kayde’s brows knit and he gives me a quick, comforting hug before stepping back. Not that I mind. After all, we can’t let the kids think we’re more than middle school-level boyfriend and girlfriend.

“You’re going to be fine,” he promises, and while I watch, grabs the last two-person kayak before dragging it toward the water. I grab a paddle and follow him, my heart jumping to my throat as my feet splash through the shallows.

“That’s a matter of opinion,” I mumble, dragging my feet through the rocks. But Kayde just glances up at me, and though I offer him a sly, flat smile, I certainly don’t feel like I’m going to be fine.

“You first. Let me hold it for you.” Part of me bristles at the idea of being treated like I’m new at this, and I open my mouth to protest, only to stop. Maybe…maybe it isn’t so bad that he wants to make this not so bad for me. Maybe I should let him take over and take charge, instead of being a bitch about the whole thing at every turn.

Maybe I should try to see what it’s like to let him care.

“Okay,” I murmur, pushing away the arguments. There’s a flicker of surprise in his gaze, as if he’s just as shocked at my acquiescence as I am. I scrunch my nose, making a face at him, and follow my own mental step by step instructions to get in the kayak.

It’s significantly easier with him anchoring it. Even Liza hadn’t usually done that, since she’d trusted I could at least get in the damn thing on my own. And I can. I always have. But still.