Hunt Me! (I Crave The Chase) - Page 177

His lovely pale skin turned green, and the light in his eyes flickered out entirely, like a flame snuffed out. He looked so very far away. Like he was lost again. I didn’t know what to do to make this better, because there was nothing that I could offer him but the truth now, and what little time I had left.

“And that’s it? We’re fucked?” Jeffrey’s voice was faint, and the grip he had on my face grew slack. “You won’t hear reason. You won’t…” he trailed off, his focus falling away. “There’s just…nothing that I can do?”

I shook my head.

“Fuck.” Jeffrey’s voice broke. “Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.”

And then because this was apparently not bad enough, I was forced to keep going. Because while Jeffrey was clever and knew many things, I had no idea how much. And I couldn’t just assume.

“When I go feral, I will need to be put down,” I told him even though based on what he’d just shared with me in the clearing, and the scars he’d told me about, I figured he already knew. My fingers bit crescents into his hips. Like I’d hoped, the tight grip brought him back to the present. His eyes swam into focus again, no longer dazed. He met my gaze head on, my brave, lovely mate. “I just…I should not have asked you. It was wrong of me. Not noble at all. Not like you are.”

So perfect.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t?—

“There are rules in place,” I added softly before he could interrupt. “For situations like mine.” My heart hurt, and Jeffrey was shaking—and I hated this. I hated it so much. Why had I done this to him? Why had I done this? “It’s why I was sent here with all of my brothers. We needed enough of our pack to be able to at least…slow me down should something happen.”

Jeffrey looked sick.

“It was assumed my wolf would do better surrounded by family.” Which was true. I was more than certain that had helped—though the recent moons had made it clear my alphaskin no longer recognized even my kin.

“When alphas go feral they become ravenous,” I continued, because I needed to get it all out. Because for years this had been my gaping wound. An injury I shared with no one, always bleeding on my own.

It was awful, horrible, terrible.

But it felt…it felt good to share it.

Jeffrey could carry its weight better than I could.

“My first moon…the first moon I felt the shift in mother moon’s favor—I stopped talking, stopped using my humanskin in general. I was younger than most alphas when I began to go feral. I should’ve had years—but I didn’t. I was young and scared and stupid. I thought it was something I’d done, something I needed to be forgiven for, and that was why it took me so quickly.”

Jeffrey’s eyes widened. He made a sad, choked up sound.

“But it wasn’t.” It had taken me a long time to realize that. “I know that now. The moon takes you when it is your time to go. She makes no mistakes. She knows better than we do…and I wasted…so much time trying to save myself that I lost what little I had left.” My voice broke. “I should have searched for you. I should have found you earlier.

“I don’t want to hurt my family. I don’t want to hurt you. It is why I’m here. Even though it is selfish to take your time like this when I know it is only temporary. From the moment I met you, I could not keep away from you. I am a bad person, I know that. I just…I just w-wanted you,” my voice cracked. “Even if it was only for a little while.” My lungs felt tight, my breath stuttery and cold. “And I have no regrets. If I were to die tomorrow I would be happy. Because when I close my eyes I will know that my life has not been a waste. Because I made you smile.”

“Fuck.”

“I did not want to hurt you,” my heart cracked right down the middle. I could see on his face that he was listening, but I wasn’t sure his heart was. I wasn’t sure he understood what I was saying. Or how dangerous I really was, even now. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Mutt.”

“That is why I asked you for help. Because I am selfish. Because I know I have very few choices left, and I know soon the moon will take the last of them from me.” I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. My stomach churned. “I will hurt you. I can not control it. I am not me anymore when I am in my alphaskin—I am something else. Something evil. Something…something twisted and dark and awful. Like an evil villain—but worse. I recognize no one. There is no empathy within my heart. There is nothing that sates my lust. No amount of blood that will make my beast rest. There is only death, greed, and hunger.”

“Like horror movies,” Jeffrey echoed, terror written all over his face. It hurt. So much. That he was looking at me like that. Like he had already lost me.

“I will kill,” I said softly. “I will kill and kill and kill. And it will never end. Not until someone takes me down.”

“What the fuck,” Jeffrey’s voice cracked. “What the fuck are we supposed to do then?”

“Nothing,” I said softly, hand shaking. “We can not…do anything.”

“Will you…will you let me try?” Jeffrey’s voice cracked. “Please. Will you let me try to find you a mate? I know there’s not a lot of time, but I…I swear we would make it work. We’d make it work. I’ll find one that’s happy to let us stay together. Just…let me try.”

It was futile, but the desperation on his face made me ache.