Hunt Me! (I Crave The Chase) - Page 182

“I…I mean. Why wouldn’t I?” I frowned, not sure what her point was.

“Think about it,” she said softly, watching me with warmth in her eyes. I stared at her for a second, frowning deeper. I had no idea what she was on about, but…sighing, I did as I was told and closed my eyes to think.

“He wasn’t trying to hurt me,” I decided, because that was the first thing that came to mind.

“Right,” she agreed, voice gentle. “In fact…he wanted to keep you safe.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t really get the point of this—but she’d taught me over the last few months that she was one wise motherfucker. And she did help. Even if I hadn’t wanted to admit it at first.

“Would you have forgiven him as easily if he’d lied because he had an ulterior motive?”

“Like…if he was pretending because he was working for Lydia or something?” As always, my mind went back to Lydia. “I mean. Obviously. That would’ve been shitty—and a lot harder to forgive.”

“So you’re saying that intentions matter,” she said carefully.

“Obviously.”

“They’re important to you.”

“Of course they are,” I opened my eyes and stared at her, not sure what she was getting at.

“Jeffrey.” Her voice was warm, and her eyes were a little wet as she leaned forward, hands on her knees. “When you were nine?—”

“Fuck.” I already knew where this was going. This was how she always brought up when I’d been taken.

“Did you know what Lydia had planned?”

“What? Of course not.” I stared at her, arms crossing tightly over my body. “Of fucking course not. I wouldn’t—I mean. If I’d known I wouldn’t have gone with her.”

“Did you…intend for people to get hurt?” She worded that so carefully, and I appreciated it, but there was no point beating around the bush.

“Did I intend for Blair’s parents to get murdered? No.”

“Did you want Blair to be taken with you?”

“Fuck no. I didn’t even know who he was.”

“And after you were taken—when you found out what lengths Lydia was willing to go to keep you in line…did you intentionally act out to cause Blair harm?”

“What?” My head was spinning, memories assaulting my senses. The bite of blood. Dark closets. A party that made me feel hollow. Millions of tiny little transgressions. The constant fear. Adrenaline in my veins. “No.”

“Would you say…your intentions have always been good?”

“I…” I stared at her. Really fucking stared. Because…that was the moment it clicked. That was the moment I realized what she was getting at and I just…

The clock on the wall tick, ticked.

My tongue felt like it was fuzzy, and my stomach was full of lead.

“I…” I tried again, voice cracking. “I?—”

Because I understood. I understood now what she was trying to say.

All my life I’d held myself accountable for Lydia’s actions. I’d blamed myself for the harm that had fallen on Blair and his parents. The hurt that had decimated my already broken family. I hadn’t understood why they could take me back. Why they could love me—so wholly—when all I’d done was hurt them.

I was fucking poison, and I knew that.

Except…