Malo - Page 43

I hang back so I can watch her a little more, before she notices me. Maria is wearing a tank top and a pair of sweats, and there’s something about the way she moves as she throws her practice punches that’s seriously sexy to me. She might be new to this, but she’s got an athletic build, and I can tell from the look in her eyes that she’s not going to give up on this until she finally nails it.

It’s good to see her training, but, at the same time, it makes me a little sad, too. A little sad to know that she has to do this, that she’s got no choice but to prepare for the inevitability of what’s coming our way. She shoots a punch out in Harley’s direction, and Harley only just dodges it in time.

“Damn, you nearly got me!” Harley exclaims.

Maria sucks in a sharp breath, her eyes widening. “Oh, God, I’m sorry,” she blurts out. “I didn’t mean to?—”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Harley assures her. “It just means you’re getting into it.”

Maria looks a little guilty for almost landing a hit, and I know why. Blue told her about what went down with Harley. Blue admitted it to me the other day, when I asked him outright what the two of them had been talking about that Antonio had overheard. He didn’t bother bullshitting me, giving it to me straight, and I was glad for that. It feels as though everyone has been a little more upfront about everything these last few days, as though there’s nothing left for us to hide. We just have to lay out the truth, because we know we might not get a chance to do it again.

Maria’s careful to take it easy on Harley, because she knows. She knows what this woman has been through. And she knows, that I hold myself responsible for it. Yeah, Beast can talk a good game about how none of us are actually, specifically responsible, but I know if I had been a little sharper, kept my wits about me a little more, none of this shit would have happened.

I try not to let those thoughts twist in my mind for too long, but it stings there, forcing me to pay attention, forcing me to take notice.

Maria glances over at me and smiles. When she looks at me, it’s as though she doesn’t see the weight of my actions hanging over my head—like she doesn’t see how much I’ve been through, how much trouble I’ve caused. She wipes the sweat from her brow, and she’s about to make her way over to me when I pull back.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“Nothing,” I shoot back. If she knew the person I really was, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me. Sure, she can act like it doesn’t bother her, but I know the truth. She can’t be getting closer to Harley without learning to hate me in the process, for all the harm and trauma that I let happen to that girl.

“You want to grab a coffee?” she suggests.

I shake my head. “I’ve got shit to do,” I reply, more bluntly than I intended. Her lips turn down into a frown.

“Oh, okay,” she replies. “Sorry, I didn’t?—”

I turn my back on her before she can get another word out. I don’t want to stand around and have this conversation with her, not now. She’s clearly busy with Harley, and I’m not going to put myself in the middle of that.

I head back toward my room, my mind racing as I go. I feel like I know what she thinks of me, how she sees me. I mean, it’s not like she can forget the first night we met, when I was taking that line off the dumpster. That’s the person I am underneath it all, the person I’m doing my best to forget about.

But I can’t forget about him, not that easily, not when he still feels like such a big part of me. He’s the one who accepted that shit from Antonio, he’s the one who couldn’t let that go. I could have turned it down, made it so I didn’t have access to anything that might have thrown me off my game, but I couldn’t. I can’t. I can never say no, even when I know what it does to me, even when I know the danger it puts the people around me in.

Fuck it. They already see me as an addict. It’s why Beast pulled me into his office to talk the other day, because he knows I’m a liability. And if they’re going to see me that way, why shouldn’t I just go ahead and live up to it?

I reach my room, and pull the door closed behind me. Heading to my bedside table, I pull open the small drawer where I stashed that garbage before, and it stares back at me, like it’s daring me to go ahead and try it. I know I should be better than this, I know I should be able to handle myself, I know I can’t make these kinds of stupid, asshole mistakes anymore, but there’s still a part of me, a part of me that’s more powerful than I care to admit, that wants to wipe away all of this thought with just one hit.

I pick up the bag, looking at the shit inside. I don’t even know what he gave me. It could be nothing, could be something that wouldn’t even give me a buzz, or it could be…

It could be some serious shit.

I pace back and forth, torn. One half of me wants to throw this away and pretend like I never even noticed it was here, go back down there and help Maria out with her training, but there’s another part of me—a stupid fucking part of me, even I’m willing to admit that—that wants to just take it all.

It’s going to drive me crazy, just having it around here and not using it. Addicts, we’re not good at knowing it’s sitting right there in front of us and not touching it, that’s our whole problem. But I’m in a seriously high-stakes situation right now, and if I fuck up, it could cost… well, more than I’m willing to pay.

And that stress, that pressure, that’s what’s making it so fucking tempting right now. I’m not going to be able to switch my brain off without some kind of crutch.

I pick the baggie up, stare down at it. Beast would kill me. They would all kill me if they knew I was even considering it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, even sitting here acting like it’s a possibility, but at the same time…

At the same time, I don’t see any other way I’m going to be able to give myself a break until this is over. And, with the way it might drag on, I should take my chances while I still have them.

Right?

CHAPTER 32

MARIA

Icatch my breath, and hold up my hands.