Never Let Go - Page 11

“Do you want me to?—”

“I just want us to be left alone. No visitors. No bloomday wishes. Nothing,” I interrupted… again.

I was a nice person. A sweetheart, really. But now, my heart was broken. I didn’t have an inkling of sweetness left inside of me. I was… empty. I didn’t know what would become of me. I didn’t know who I was without that… spark. Without that… pull. I couldn’t remember life without it. I was eight when I first felt it. Can you remember what your life was like before age eight? I didn’t have a personality then. I was just a kid. I didn’t know… who would I be? How would I be? How would it be to never feel him again?

A second later, I felt Naoki’s warm lips touch my cheek. “Okay, Si. I love you.”

“Love you too,” I mumbled, gripping his hospital gown.

Once she walked out of the room, I let out a gut-wrenching cry.

“Why didn’t you take me with you? You said you would never leave me.”

I was losing my mind. Losing him was breaking me in inexplicable ways. We were supposed to go together. Somehow, someway, that was supposed to happen for us. As unrealistic as it might sound, it didn’t seem impossible for me.

I was born on Cosmo Day. I was magic. I was special. Wasn’t I?

I didn’t feel that way.

This didn’t feel like magic.

This felt like a curse.

To experience that, with him, and then to lose it? I thought I was special.

I thought what we had was special. I thought it was because I was born on Cosmo Day. I really did think I was magic. After I embraced him. After I accepted what was. That we were for one another. That with him, time stood still. And that he could make me levitate. And that with him, I felt electricity. Because of the cosmos. Because they were perfectly aligned and shot across the sky when I was born. Because I was magic. Now what? What was I now? Who would I be? What would I be… without him?

“Attention family, friends, and patients…” announced the young woman over the hospital intercom. “The Cosmo Show is starting in about fifteen minutes. We’ve been lucky enough to be stationed with one of the best views in all of Dream City. Today is a day of magic; let magic reign on Arcadia General.”

Magic probably would reign on Arcadia General, but it wouldn’t reign on him. It wouldn’t reign on us. I believed in magic… We were magic. But that had nothing to do with this. My ego… this big ol’ ego I had from being a Cosmo Baby… it told me I could do anything. I thought I could bring him back. Thought we were magic enough to pull it off. But my ego lied. I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t bring him back. Jahad was ready to go.

“You’re strong,” I whispered, as I brushed the pad of my thumb over his dry lips. “So got damn strong.” I gasped and swallowed the lump in my throat.

This was bigger than just me. Hell, it was bigger than us. He fought for as long as he could. And, so did I. I—I had to let him go. I had to give him permission. I had to tell him he could go. He wouldn’t let go unless I told him he could. He was like that. Selfless. And I was the same with him.

I took in a deep breath and stared at him. I caressed the top of his head, running my fingers through his unruly, thick coily mane. He hadn’t had a cut in over a year. Jahad stayed with a fresh cut—never missed his weekly appointments. The hair looked good on him, though. I smiled through my tears, as I brushed my thumbs over both his thick eyebrows, admiring them as well. I’d miss them. They complimented him very well. They were their thickest, untamed as usual. Slowly, I traveled over his eyes. Didn’t stay there long. It was hard to admire them closed. I loved his eyes the most. I closed my eyes and remembered lying beside him, like this… staring into his mesmerizing browns, lost… soaring in the beautiful, mystifying hues that painted our nighttime sky, boundless, outside of time, free… without gravity.

I gripped his hand and felt a twitch in his.

I didn’t let that excite me. Would have if I didn’t have a degree in medicine. It was the myoclonus. The timing sure was impeccable. Because I was in love… and because I was a hopeless romantic, I wanted to believe that today played a role in the timing. I chose to believe he heard me. I sighed and my lids failed me as the tears I cried poured from behind them. I didn’t bother to open my eyes again. Decided I’d rather remember him this way. In a memory instead. He was beautiful this way. We were beautiful this way. Nothing could touch us here. Nothing could take this away from me.

I inhaled.

Brought his flaccid hand up to my lips and kissed his knuckles.

I didn’t know what I would do without him.

Literally hadn’t a single clue.

Didn’t know who I was without him. Didn’t know who I would become. But what I did know was that I didn’t like who I had become in holding on to him. I didn’t want to hold on to him anymore. He was struggling here. Fighting because of me. Fighting because I wasn’t ready. I needed to free him, despite how much freeing him would hurt me.

“You can let go, my love,” I whispered, my lips brushing against his earlobe as I caressed his thick, scruffy beard.

The minute I said it, fear rushed through my entire being and I pressed my body against his. Had to because tomorrow, I wouldn’t be able to. Lightly, I held his face and kissed his cheek because when tomorrow came, there would be no cheek for me to kiss. Then, I kissed his lips, his forehead, his nose and then his lips again. I let them linger there a while

I was petrified. Had never been so afraid of anything in my life. But, it was okay. I would be okay. Eventually. What other choice did I have?

Finally, I opened my eyes, exhaled, and just… laid there. With my body completely against his, I stared at the side of his face, wishing there was nothing in between us. I needed to feel him. Not just that pull—I knew that was over. I needed to feel the warmth of his skin. His arms wrapped around me. His lips on my forehead. I needed… more… More of everything. But, what I had, was what I had, so I had no other choice but to be okay with that. Acceptance… it wasn’t easy.