Never Let Go - Page 12

Instead of complaining… instead of begging, and wishing, and hoping for a miracle that would never come, I waited. Waited for him to let go. Waited for that fading energy to dissipate. Waited for him to pull… away. He did, but it wasn’t instantaneous. It was gradual. He was resisting, not because he didn’t want to let go, but because he was worried about me. I knew because I knew him.

“It’s okay,” I told him, as I caressed his face. “I’ll—I’ll be okay, my love.”

Would I be? Not today. Eventually I would be. I had to be. Couldn’t imagine feeling this for the rest of my life. Tomorrow, there would be tears. Buckets of them. The day after that, the day after, and probably for three hundred and seventy three days in a row, too. Enough to fill an ocean. But eventually… I would be okay.

“I love you, Jahad,” I cried, as I felt what was left of him finally fade away.

It didn’t take long for the nothingness to greet me. There was very little left in him, before. Almost a second after I told him I loved him, he was gone. His heart kept beating but what was left of Jahad? The soul of him? What made him, him? Was completely gone. Felt like when he left, he took a big chunk of me with him. I wasn’t surprised. That was the only thing about ‘after’ that I was sure about.

I felt hallow.

Like something was missing.

Because something was missing.

There was a place inside of my heart where he belonged. What would I do with it? What would fill it now?

I turned over on my side, and slowly swung my legs over to stand. I was numb. Felt like my head was in the clouds. But not in the way that it used to feel when I was ‘there’ with him. With him… it was magical. This… it felt.. scary. Like a disconnection. Like I was someone else. Like I was experiencing someone else’s life. Because huh? This couldn’t be my life, right? I…

I looked over my shoulder with pinched brows, head cocked to the side, in disbelief. He left? He was… gone? Wow. I couldn’t feel that pu—where was it? I always felt a pull. Jahad… pulled me.

It’s funny. There was this boy that pulled me when I was eight. I was in the backseat of the car. Me and my family had just left The Big Store and…

He always pulled me. I shuddered, looked away from him, wrapped my arms around my body, and rocked back and forth.

“It’s okay. It’s okay,” I mumbled as tears poured from my eyes. “I’m going to be okay.”

Would I be? I was so fucking sad. So got damn lost. So fucking empty. What in the… What would I do without him? I—I needed him. Didn’t he know that? I?—

“Attention, family and friends! We’re at the five minute mark!” Announced the young lady over the intercom again. “ Get in position! If you’re on the west wing, you’re in for a real treat!”

I couldn’t move.

I stopped rocking. Just… sat there, staring off into the darkness with my head over to the side, listening as the alert on Jahad’s monitor began to sound. His heart rate was declining.

The real show starts now.

With dipped brows, I looked over my shoulder at him and averted my eyes over at the monitor. Fifty beats per minute. Quickly, I looked away and got a glimpse of the moon. Yesterday, Hazel drew the shades. Left them open so I had the perfect view of it. And God was it beautiful. Jahad’s room was on the west wing, and the moon was positioned right outside of his window. It was so big… so bright. Mystical.

The real star of the show. I felt compelled to stand. Slowly, I walked over to the window. With my arms wrapped around my body, I stared out at it. Today was supposed to be magic. Something special was supposed to happen. Jahad was supposed to come back to me. It was Cosmo Day. Beautiful things happened on Cosmo Day, right? Why did he leave me then? Hm?

Tears streamed down the sides of my face, as I watched the moon turn its bluest. And when it glowed for that second that felt like minutes, I felt him. Electricity and that pull at once. The tips of my fingers on my right hand tingled before my hand was filled with them.

I gasped, placed my left hand on my heart and closed my eyes.

Privilege.

Was I hallucinating? Absolutely not.

I experienced true, unwavering, divine love, in its purest form with a man created by God, for me. We defied gravity. We stood outside of time. We were magnetic. Our love was destined. Boundless, even. Not even death could separate us. Our souls were interlinked, eternally tied. And if a person had yet to experience that, they would call it hallucination but because I could feel, I knew it was him. I heard him… clear as day. But it wasn’t about what I heard. Because I could hear him coding and hospital staff rushing in to save him behind me, too. It was about what I felt. And my God, I could feel him. I could feel Jahad as if he was standing right beside me. And while it might’ve been a little different, I could feel him as if he hadn’t left me at all… Immensely. Soul deep.

I wanted him to come back to me. Begged him to. He did.

Wanted to feel him again. I could.

Searched for that pull. Felt lost without it. Thought that after today I’d never feel him again. But I was wrong. I could feel him everywhere. All over. In my heart the most.

Today didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It went the way it had to.

And it was magic still.

I’ll never let go.

“Me neither,” I whispered.