Veiled Spirits - Page 53

“You think we care more about being safe than having you?” Luca asks incredulously.

“I know you will, eventually. You’ll get to know me, the shininess will wear off, and you’ll realize you could do so much better than me. By then, it’ll be too late.” I close my eyes as some of the numbness starts wearing off. I don’t want to feel. It hurts too much. A whimper gets trapped in my throat, but I press my lips tightly together to stop it from coming out. I’m on the verge of begging Luca to make everything stop hurting, but I refuse to be that weak.

“The mages really did a number on you, wildcat, didn’t they?” Luca brushes a strand of my multicolored hair out of my face. He cups my face with one warm hand, and his breath fans over my lips. It wouldn’t take much to close the distance between us to kiss him.

“It’s not just the other mages. There’s clearly something wrong with me, or I wouldn’t have been born a spirit mage. I’m rotten on the inside, and my magic reflects it.” My voice is barely a whisper as I tell Luca something I’ve never shared with anyone before. I know my family would try to deny it if I told them, because that’s what family does. They ignore all the bad in you and love you, anyway.

“That’s… fuck. I don’t even know if I have the words to tell you how fucking wrong that is. Just because something’s illegal doesn’t mean it’s immoral. There’s nothing wrong with being a spirit mage. Your powers are neutral, just like every other affinity out there. What you do with it is what matters. From what I’ve seen, you sacrifice everything to help others with your magic.”

He’s wrong, but I don’t have the words right now to tell him how defective I am. Instead, I lean in and press my lips against his to distract him. Since it’s my first kiss, I freeze once our lips touch, unsure what to do.

I don’t have time to worry about it before Luca takes control of the kiss. With his hand cupping my face, he angles my head the way he wants. Luca’s tongue swipes along the seam of my lips, and I part them for him. His tongue darts in to tangle with mine, and we spend who knows how long kissing on his bathroom floor.

Eventually, Luca pulls away. I bite my cheek to keep from asking him to fuck me on the floor right now. Kissing him made all the fear and anger and heartache go away for a little while. I would give almost anything to escape again, even if it’s just for a moment. The one thing I’m not willing to risk is forming a mate bond with him.

“As much as I enjoy kissing you, wildcat, you’re not in the right headspace for that right now. When I fuck you, it’s going to be because you want me. Not because you need a distraction.” I gape at Luca, wondering how he knows exactly what I was thinking. Luca chuckles, the deep sound rumbling through me. “You’re like an open book, Izzy. Every thought you have flits across your beautiful face. I also did exactly what you’re doing when I lost my parents. I tried to fuck the pain away. It didn’t work for me, and it’s not going to work for you.”

“I’m sorry about your parents,” I whisper. There’s no point in denying anything he said because he’s absolutely correct about what I was considering. “What helped the pain go away?”

Luca sighs and briefly closes his eyes. When he opens them again, I see an ocean of suffering and sadness in the aquamarine orbs. “Honestly? Nothing’s helped the pain go away completely. There are still random moments when thinking about my parents absolutely guts me, but I’m also able to remember some of the happy moments without it hurting now. Archer, Cain, and my pack helped me get through the worst of it. Leaning on them when it felt like I could barely get out of bed, much less lead hundreds of people, is what helped the most.”

My heart clenches at the pain in Luca’s voice. The big wolf is normally closed off and exudes confidence. I had no idea he was hurting so much, but I guess the same could be said for me. No one really knows how much I feel like I’m dying inside on the daily. I wish Luca’s solution would work for me, but there’s one flaw. “I can’t lean on anyone. It just puts them in danger.”

“You think I give a fuck about the danger? All I care about is you. All I want to do is help you, if you’d just let me in.” Luca cups my face in his hand again, tenderly rubbing his thumb over my cheekbone.

“But I’m not worth it,” I tell him in a small voice. The tears that stopped with the kiss start dripping down my cheeks again as I tell him what I know he’ll figure out eventually. The good parts of me will never outweigh all the bad. Nothing I do will ever balance out all the danger that’s always one wrong move away.

“Oh, wildcat. You are worth it and so much more. If I have to spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how worthwhile you are, I will. Happily.” Luca’s voice is sincere, and it makes me cry harder. He pulls me into his arms as sobs rack my frame, smooshing my face against his chest. Despite our rocky first interaction, Luca seems like a genuinely good guy. He doesn’t deserve getting stuck with me.

I so very badly want to let Luca and the rest of my mates in. I’m so fucking tired of trying to do everything alone. It’s been getting harder and harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other lately. I don’t know how much longer I can fight, but I do know that I refuse to drag anyone else down with me. I’d rather die in a thousand excruciating ways than see any one of my mates or family hurt.

When things get so much that it feels like I’m being strangled by it all, I just need to remember why I’m doing this. Why I claw my way through each day. Why I take the bullying and taunts. It’s because of them. My parents and brothers. Bishop. The wolves. Levi. Every fucking thing I do is for them. When I do die, I want to do it knowing I did everything possible to keep them all safe.

Inhaling Luca’s dark, woodsy scent, I shove all of my longing and exhaustion and devastation and agony behind a reinforced door in my mind. I secure it with multiple padlocks and thick chains to make sure the feelings don’t get loose again. My tears come to a stop as I stuff down my softer emotions. In their place is an aching hollowness in my chest, but I can deal with it to protect everyone.

When my crying stops, Luca pulls back and looks down at me. His lips tip up on one side as he asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been lying on a tile floor for who knows how long after almost dying.” While my snark isn’t back in full force, it’s better than it was.

Luca snorts. “Then, how about we get up and get you somewhere more comfortable?” I nod at him, and he untangles himself from me. Pushing to his feet, Luca holds out a hand for me. I grab it, knowing this is the last time I can let the big wolf help me. No matter how much I might need it in the future.

CHAPTER 27

IZZY

Ifreeze when I step out of the bathroom. All of my mates are waiting for us in what I assume is Luca’s room. His room has dark wood floors and mossy green walls. Luca’s massive bed, desk, nightstands, and bench at the foot of his bed are all mahogany. Breaking up all the dark wood is his sage comforter, light tan sofa, and the nature paintings hanging on the walls.

Before I have a chance to ask Luca about the beautiful paintings, Archer comes bounding over. He stops just short of crashing into me. “Can I hug you?” At my nod, he wraps his arms around me and squeezes tight. Anywhere his skin comes into contact with mine lights up like a firework. The mate bond jumps and dances over my skin. “Don’t ever do that again, sunshine. I was so worried when we found you.”

“I’m sorry, sunny boy,” I murmur against his chest. I hate the way the normally happy wolf’s voice wobbles. It feels like bringing people down is all I do. Archer doesn’t say anything more. He just holds on to me for a moment longer before stepping back.

In his place is Bishop. Instead of greeting me with his usual easygoing smile, Bishop is glaring down at me. “Did you do it on purpose?”

“What?”

Bishop leans down until we’re nose to nose. “Did you heal too many ghosts on purpose?” I’ve never seen Bishop this angry, and it makes my heart hurt. I feel like I’ve failed him and disappointed the one person who’s always there for me. I just want my Bishop back.

Seeing how furious he is with me makes me feel like I’m going to cry. Somehow, I manage to shove the feelings down. “No,” I whisper while looking away. I don’t need him to see in my eyes that I’ve considered it before.