Will of chaos - Chapter 1922 1922: Cap 1918: The price of understanding...
Paradox was speaking like a philosophy professor who had consumed large quantities of a certain medicinal herb. It made sense abstractly and with great effort, but anyone who thought for more than three seconds could see how much nonsense she was talking.
I wish I could make her speak more clearly, but it was this thought that led me to consider how I could explain chaos from my perspective. This revealed that my explanation would be as idiotic as hers. There was no way to talk about Chaos without causing ridicule.
But as far as I understood, she wants to stop being the possessor of the Concept of Chaos. I understood that more or less, but after that it gets a little more complicated.
It infuriates me to know that she helped or perhaps is responsible for creating two entire races that only cause destruction, but yelling at her won’t accomplish anything.
“Can’t you be a little more direct?” (me)
“I was direct enough. You understand my intention now, but trying to understand the whole is impossible for you.” (Paradox)
“Don’t you regret creating the Ascendants and the Anomalous Dragons?” (me)
“It seems you made a mistake, so let me correct your mind with an analogy you’ll be able to understand.” (Paradox)
“If I give life to a child, but in the future they become a murderer or a criminal, how does that blame fall on me, their mother?” (Paradox)
“Even considering a normal upbringing, without trauma or bad events, the possibilities for influencing a child are immense, and sometimes the person themselves may already be born broken.” (Paradox)
“You’re relativizing everything. Even considering that Sarazar was a good person, Vecna must have been a monster even before becoming an Ascendant.” (me)
“I don’t judge anyone, children. What I do is present inverse possibilities. What each person chooses is not for me to judge; it’s not in my interest.” (Paradox)
“Concepts don’t govern, they simply exist… remember that.” (Paradox)
“…” (me)
My head is already aching from all these twists and turns she’s taking in the conversation. I feel like I’m having a conversation between a philosopher and a theoretical physicist. These are two lines of thought without proof, yet very convincing, yet incomprehensible.
“Let’s get straight to the point then. Do you think Callidora wants to bring you back?” (me)
“Possibly, but I’m not sure. Even among all the Entities, Inferno is especially selfish.” (Paradox)
It seems I won’t be able to get anything out of her about Callidora, so I’ll focus on what she should be able to answer.
“You want me to become an Entity of Chaos, but what then?” (me)
“It’s going to be an inevitable chain of events. You’re already on the path and you know it. That’s why I woke up from my slumber, and that’s also why we can have this conversation.” (Paradox)
“You know, I had three Chaos bearers, none of them ever heard my voice.” (Paradox)
“During my sleep, I caught glimpses of them, but I didn’t wake up.” (Paradox)
“This proves that what I’ve always waited for has already begun. Even my insanity is no longer a nuisance, because our Concepts are now balanced; all that remains is the final step.” (Paradox)
“I don’t want to be an Entity.” (me)
“But you know you’re on your way to becoming one; your will differs from your will.” (Paradox)
“I needed power to Face Gods, then to face Anomalous Dragons, then to face Ascended Ones, and now to face Entities… it was follow this path or perish.” (me)
“No, it wasn’t… like all Entities, your selfishness is incomparable, it always has been…” (Paradox)
“…” (me)
Suddenly my mind hurts again, images of memories flashing through my mind in rapid succession, images from my past life to this one.
Me building a computer with recycled people, me creating toys for the children at the orphanage, and me getting my first job, already planning to abandon everything to focus on my games.
“Since I woke up, your memories have been flowing to me naturally, especially as our connection deepens.” (Paradox)
And when I listened to Paradox, she showed me with a smile on my face in a room using a computer almost at its limit to create my first game. I spent everything I had on it. My apartment had two rooms, with the second being a bathroom. There was no refrigerator, television, or bed.
At that time, I had already quit my job and only had money for eight months. This was because I stopped spending money even on my medicine. I spent sleepless nights eating cheap meals and barely leaving the house.
There was no plan B. I remember those days. In my memories, they were happy days, but looking back now, they were endless dangers. My health was so terrible that I could have actually died. The game I created could have been a failure, ruining everything I’d ever done.
Afterwards, it showed me in the hospital, going in and out of a coma. Without worrying about my health, I enjoyed every moment with my eyes open to finish my last game. I didn’t think about those who would mourn my death for even a second.
Then came the memories of my Rebirth, the way I devoured my brothers in that red pool to survive, the way I turned Ibuki into my servant as soon as I met her, just so I wouldn’t be alone.
Afterwards, came the way I also turned Diana into a servant after saving her. I could have freed her, but I didn’t. I also forced Kira to be my servant.
My memories continued to flash, revealing all my selfishness, the way I forced Irius and Irina to become my children, the way I bought slaves and turned them into servants, the way I do things has always been selfish from start to finish.
“Selfishness is intrinsic to those with a strong will, there’s no escaping it, you can’t deny who you are forever, that was my problem too, and that’s why I did everything to change.” (Paradox)
“Now do you understand?” (Paradox)
“Yes…” (me)
I can’t deny it when the truth is rubbed in my face like that, but I still don’t like it.
“What will happen to you when a new Chaos Entity is born?” (me)
“I will be born again under your Concept, and with that, my own concept will change, thanks to your Concept being supported by transformation.” (Paradox)
“I don’t understand how the same concept can be so different between two Entities.” (me)
“As your Bringer, shouldn’t I also have the power of Paradox?” (me)
“No, the Concept is based on your understanding and embodiment of your interpretation of Chaos; this is something individual and personal.” (Paradox)
“I represent paradox… you represent transformation.” (Paradox)
“And the other Bringers of Chaos before me?” (me)
“Discarding the flaws that caused disasters at birth, destroying themselves in the process.” (Paradox)
“The first Bringer of Chaos was consumed by Chaos, thus becoming insane. Before she could awaken her Concept of Chaos, which would likely be Insanity, she was destroyed in body and soul.” (Paradox)
“Another Bringer of Chaos was someone who followed the path of anarchy. He went against every law, rule, and custom by default, but was killed for having only enemies and no allies.” (Paradox)
“As for the Bringer of Chaos before you, he was by far the most talented yet the most foolish.” (Paradox)
“What do you mean?” (Me)
Suddenly, memories of the children’s book that always sits in my room come to mind, a book I never manage to read completely, but still can’t tear myself away from.
“This is his story, a little lighter and shorter than what actually happened, but still containing the main points.” (Paradox)
“His focus was sacrifice; he kept sacrificing something for the good of others, the Bringer of Chaos with the purest and kindest heart of all.” (Paradox)
“Like you, he Ascended to Godhood, but his final sacrifice was too great. He sacrificed his Soul, Body, and even his Existential Spark to rebuild a universe, laying the foundation for the network of universes that the Tree of Creation now protects.” (Paradox)
“You were born from him, your Existential Spark was born in that moment, born from Chaos and his Crushing Will, born from his ashes that became you, after that your Soul formed and transformed through multiple reincarnations before being fit to Bear the Chaos.” (Paradox)
“So the book…” (me)
“A trauma, you’ll never be able to finish reading it, a trauma about his own origins, he suffered all his life after all.” (Paradox)
“…” (me)
Suddenly things started to come together: the way my mother treated me, the name she gave me, that portrait in her temples, that children’s book, the way the first World Tree I knew was possessed by something telling me that ‘I wasn’t him.’
Everything started to fit together, and when I understood this, something inside me began to pulse, an endless feeling of freedom as if chains had broken.
“What did you do!?” (me)
“You wanted to understand, I did what you asked, but you should already know what a Concept is.” (Paradox)
“It can’t be…” (me)
I understood now. Entities are incarnations of the Concept or definitions of those Concepts, so the basic thing would be for Entities to understand their concepts, a complete understanding.
Now I understood my Origin, an Existential Spark created from a transformation, a Soul formed from multiple Reincarnations, a body that has gone through several evolutions, a Divinity that represents multiple paths, and a Concept that perfectly represents what I am.
“You tricked me…!” (me)
“No, I didn’t even know this would happen. I already told you, I don’t plan anything, I just launch possibilities.” (Paradox)
“You had already begun your transformation into an Entity; that wouldn’t change, but your understanding only accelerated the process.” (Paradox)
Suddenly my hand started to blink, my mind was getting confused, and my will was throbbing.
“Am I…?” (I)
“I don’t know, maybe yes… maybe no… but either way, it won’t be long.” (Paradox)
