Will of chaos - Chapter 1959 1959: Cap 1955: Father Mario...
I was walking aimlessly, thinking of nothing and feeling nothing. This went on for an indefinite amount of time. I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t know where I was going.
“(One more step…)” (me)
All I knew was that I should keep walking, but soon a thought arose, and from it many other thoughts formed.
“(Don’t think of anything…)” (me)
Soon the world formed around me. A worn wooden floor with juice stains appeared where I was slowly walking, walls with old wallpaper and colorful paint, mismatched furniture of different ages, several doors along the hallway leading to rooms filled with small beds, and at the end of the hallway, a large window with iron bars.
“Don’t look back…” (me)
“You haven’t lost anything… you haven’t lost… anything…” (me)
Tears
Hiccup
Suddenly I started crying, a huge sadness overcame me. I was so sad, a horrible darkness rose inside me, a cold that didn’t match the warmth of spring was all I felt in my body, which trembled weakly.
“It’ll happen again… and again…” (me)
Hiccup
Tears! Tears!
The tears just wouldn’t stop coming, streaming down my cold face, my heart beating faster and faster, a pain in my chest that wouldn’t stop, a difficulty thinking and even walking.
I couldn’t understand what was happening and I didn’t want to understand, I didn’t want to keep thinking, I didn’t want to admit what I was again, I didn’t want to know anything else, I just wanted the pain to stop.
“I just… I just need… to sleep, that’s right… I just need to sleep…” (me)
Tears
Footsteps
I wiped away my tears and tried to control my breathing to stop sobbing. My steps were heavy when I finally reached my room. It hadn’t been long since I was last here, and there was still a made-up bed that was mine.
Footsteps
“(Just forget everything and lie down… don’t let the kids see you like this…)” (me)
Footsteps
I heard footsteps approaching from behind, but I ignored them before entering the room. I went straight to the bed, but I couldn’t lie down. I stood beside the bed, seeing once again my usual sleeping spot, the bed I always return to.
Footsteps.
“Boy!” (Mario)
“…” (Me)
I hear footsteps very close by and then I hear his voice. It was deep and heavy, yet it’s still the kindest voice I’ve ever heard.
Tears
He approaches me and hugs me from behind. He had to kneel down to do so, given his great height. I, who had finally managed to stop crying, suddenly burst into tears again. I didn’t even realize when I turned, but now my head was resting on his shoulder. The warmth of his embrace was the same as always, a safe haven that always welcomed me without demanding anything, without expecting anything, and without ever refusing me.
“Boy, let it all out, just let out all that sadness. It has no place inside you, so put that smile on your face like always!” (Mario)
Tears
His voice was loud and could have frightened anyone if it weren’t for his religious clothes. He was a big man, but his heart was even bigger than his size. I don’t even know how long I cried or when it got dark. I didn’t even realize when I reached the backyard where I was sitting on the stairs next to the priest, looking up.
“Father… what’s wrong with me…?” (me)
“There’s nothing wrong with you!” (Mario)
“(Let’s not talk about that woman…)” (Anna)
“(Remember that only you matter, don’t worry about the rest.)” (Maya)
He hugs me by the shoulders and speaks with a big smile, as I remember how I was welcomed back into the orphanage.
The sweet words of the nun who wanted to comfort me, as well as the harsh words of the social worker who only wanted to support me, were words I’d heard before, just like these words the priest was repeating now.
They’re all phrases I’ve heard before, over and over again, hearing the same things every time I was discarded, every time I came of age.
“Father, tell me… am I really that bad? My body may be a little weak, and I can also get sick easily, but it still shouldn’t be as bad as caring for someone with mental health issues or a disease like cancer…” (me)
“Even so, young Enzo with Down syndrome was adopted, and even Fernanda, who had cancer, was adopted, but I keep coming back… always coming back!” (me)
“Boy, Fernanda was adopted by your aunt; otherwise, someone like her would have the same difficulties as you. Now, little Enzo was chosen by a large family who wanted to help a special child like him. A true blessing from God.” (Mario)
“Your luck just isn’t that good, but you’re a smart kid, so think about it this way… if there were something wrong with you, the children wouldn’t be so attached to you.” (Mario)
“Then why am I the only one who keeps getting abandoned?” (me)
“Every DAMN time I get tossed aside, DISCARDED like an old garment!” (me)
“It always happens the same DAMN WAY!!” (me)
“They all come in saying they’ll be my new Mom and Dad!” (me)
“They promise a family life, they say we’ll know each other and they’ll never leave me!” (me)
“At the first sign of trouble, ALL those promises disappear!!” (me)
“Financial problems, then return him, orphan… bad health, he’s defective, return him… didn’t adapt to the family fast enough, send him away…” (me)
“Always the same! Always!!!” (me)
“Kid, they’re the ones losing, not you.” (Mario)
I stood up in anger. The image of the more than 20 houses I’d passed by was there, I couldn’t take it anymore, all this falsehood, this false moralism, all this inability to deal with problems.
I was furious, but it wasn’t with them, it was with myself. I couldn’t see what was wrong with me, the reason everyone thought abandoning me would end all their problems. I couldn’t see this curse!
Father Mário stood up, and it was as if a mountain had risen above me. He placed his hand on my head, smiling, and began to speak naturally, as if he were speaking of simple facts.
“It’s not your fault.” (Mario)
“Then why do they always abandon me!?” (me)
“Why did my mother abandon me…?” (me)
“Why do I always… why!?” (me)
“(Sorry, I can’t feed another mouth with this economy…)”
“(Medicine isn’t cheap, I can’t keep things like this…)”
“(I thought I could, but taking care of a grown child is so hard, I knew I should have chosen a young child.)”
“(This isn’t working, I’m returning you to the orphanage.)”
The whole world seemed to darken, the voices of those who abandoned me ring in my mind, the memories of each time I was brought back flash through my mind, my body grows cold and begins to tremble.
“Kid, you’re old enough to understand, the world and people are unpredictable.” (Mario)
I was panicking and drowning in darkness when he knelt next to me, his hand on my head, that big smile as always.
He spoke to me not like a child, but like a man. He wasn’t comforting me like he had so many times before, he was teaching me about the world, and that’s what I’ve carried with me for the rest of my life.
“You can’t expect to understand someone’s reasons for doing something or why something happened.” (Mario)
“What drives people crazy is trying to understand these things, but in the end, the important thing is to deal with what’s in front of you one step at a time.” (Mario)
“Your mother may or may not have had reasons to abandon you, we have no way of knowing. The only thing I know is that she brought you to the right place.” (Mario)
“All those families who adopted you, what do they matter? They’re the ones who are missing out.” (Mario)
“Kid, I’m going to tell you the right way to have a family: create a family! Friends who are like brothers, a wife who loves you for who you are, and as many children as you can support with dignity.” (Mario)
“Father…” (me)
“For me… this orphanage is my home, and the children here are my children. Their stories, their ages, their ethnicities, or all that nonsense matter as much to me as garbage!” (Mario)
“Those who look to the past are museums, kid. What I want from my children is a big smile like mine! I want them to look ahead, where the unpredictable happens continuously, giving their best with every step!” (Mario)
“So, kid, tell me… are you going to let those who abandoned you continue to chain you to the past? Or are you going to abandon them, too, on the path to the future!?” (Mario)
“I… I can’t see a way…” (me)
“Hahahahaha…” (Mario)
“…” (me)
“Welcome to being an adult. No one sees a way, Kid… we just make the best of each step forward.” (Mario)
“If there’s no way, then create one. If there’s a barrier, then cross it. If there’s something important, then drag it along… live without regret, kid.” (Mario)
In that moment, all the sadness disappeared, all the loneliness was gone, and the cold had passed. I also began to smile along with him. I didn’t say anything, but in my mind, his words were etched in stone for eternity, and it was those words that guided me.
He gave me two light pats on the shoulder, but suddenly I wasn’t looking at him anymore. I was looking at us both. My mind cleared, and I realized I was in a memory. Looking back, I saw that woman hidden by her cloak and hood.
“Did you do this?” (me)
“No, you did it yourself.” (Paradox)
“But I must say that this man was wise; many don’t understand what he explained to you.” (Paradox)
“The priest was a good man with a big heart.” (me)
“Just like you, just look at what he accomplished by living by his words.” (Paradox)
“Yes… I did, didn’t I…?” (me)
“…” (me)
