Chapter 116 I Want You

Elian sat on the couch by the side, watching Lucien work on his desk.

It’s been hours. Lucien made sure they served Elian his meals right in the study, but not once did Lucien eat.

The sky was darkening, a storm was coming, and Elian knew people were already retiring to their rooms, but this stubborn Duke was trying to work himself to death.

Elian could actually up and leave anytime he wanted, but he didn’t want to leave Lucien alone in here. He could still remember what happened back at Rowena’s garden; Lucien had overworked himself until stress overtook him.

Thunder suddenly roared above the roof, startling Elian. He gulped, clawing his fingers into the arm of the couch.

Lucien didn’t flinch a muscle; he simply kept moving his quill over the parchment, unbothered by the time or the weather.

Elian sighed quietly and curled himself up on the couch, closing his eyes.

After a while, Lucien suddenly looked up and paused, his eyes falling on Elian’s figure cutely curled up and sleeping on the couch.

He had not expected to stay that long in the study, but when he realised that Elian wouldn’t leave his side, he decided to work as long as he could, as long as it made Elian just sit with him.

But he realised he must have tired Elian out with the long wait, and he felt deeply sorry for that.

Standing, he quietly moved the chair backward and slid out between the desk. Slowly, he walked over to Elian and lowered himself in front of him, watching him sleep.

He reached out his hand, unable to resist the urge to touch the soft curls that framed Elian’s delicate face. He paused, pulling his glove off; he wanted to feel the softness and texture.

Very gently, he smoothed his hand down Elian’s hair, his throat bobbing up and down as he took in the beauty in front of him.

Elian was so beautiful and perfect that his chest hurt when he thought back to all those horrible things he’d done to Elian.

"I’m sorry," he whispered, slipping his hand behind Elian’s neck, his thumb sliding smoothly behind Elian’s neck.

Elian felt the soft caress on his skin and slowly opened his eyes. Instantly, his heart jumped, pulse racing uncontrollably as he saw Lucien leaning so close to him, watching him so intensely with those captivating green eyes as his thumb kept caressing Elian’s neck.

"I miss you so much, my baby," Lucien’s voice trembled, jaws visibly clenching tightly.

Elian could not speak; it felt so good and so wrong at the same time. It felt like this was the moment where he dropped his act and pulled that hot man to himself, to let himself fully relive what he had missed so damn much.

The thunder roared again, followed by the angry drops of rain onto the roof and against the window panes. The candles flickered lightly, almost plunging them into darkness, but the closed windows didn’t let that happen.

Lucien’s hand gently cupped the back of Elian’s neck, his expression shredded of every title and secret, only filled with raw want and vulnerability.

Elian saw him getting close, and, instead of pushing him away, he felt himself tilting his face the slightest, waiting, hoping as his heart raced.

Their faces got so close, and any slightest movement from any of them would lead to the direct contact of their lips. But neither moved; they simply stayed that way, breaths fanning each other’s lips as their eyes spoke what their lips could never speak.

"Do you remember me now, Elian?" Lucien whispered, his voice strained.

That was all it took to break the spell in Elian.

He suddenly pulled back and looked away, biting his lip.

What was he thinking? Trying to kiss the man he swore never to let close? And if he had kissed Lucien, what message was he putting out there? Would it mean he was falling for the Duke as a new man, or he had finally recalled his past feelings for the Duke.

Neither option seemed fine; it was better to avoid it completely.

"I need to sleep," Elian murmured.

Lucien sighed, his heart sinking painfully.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting.

"Let’s go to bed," Lucien spoke quietly and stood up.

He extended a hand to Elian but Elian ignored it and stood on his own, slipping past him and toward the door.

Sighing, he followed Elian out of the study.

The hallway was quiet, the entrance was tightly shut, windows too. As they approached the door, Elian was already opening it and stepping out of the way, his eyes briefly glancing at Elian’s lowered head as they neared.

Elian was yet to speak to his friend; he wasn’t sure he was ready to keep lying to people who mattered to him just so he got Lucien to stay away.

Couldn’t he just be himself and still refuse Lucien? Did he have to be someone else just to survive? He wanted to be his real self; this facade was starting to make him feel less human with each passing moment.

"Retire to your room tonight, Finn." Lucien ordered.

"Thank you, Your Grace," Finn bowed and walked away.

Lucien closed the door as he entered; when he turned, Elian was already halfway up the stairs.

He walked up with unhurried footsteps, and soon, they were standing in his chamber hallway.

He watched Elian walk to his room, not saying a word to him. He didn’t want to part with him just yet; the whole day together wasn’t enough to soothe the ache in his chest. If only Elian could spend some night with him, it would heal a part of his soul that was withering away in Elian’s absence.

"Good night, Your Grace," Elian spoke quietly, reaching for his door handle.

"Elian..." Lucien called quietly.

"Yes, Your Grace," Elian turned, breath hitching as Lucien stepped toward him.

He could have simply pushed in his door and escaped, but he too was not ready to separate.

It was starting to happen again, his inability to listen to his head; his heart was starting to take control just like it did in the past. It suddenly hurt so much to turn his back on Lucien.

Why did they even need to suffer so much when they were right there, within reach? He knew exactly why: Lucien did not love him; he knew this. Still, he wanted to be with Lucien more than anything in the whole world.

Lucien was probably acting so nice from guilt, never love.

"Can you..." Lucien paused, stopping right in front of Elian.

"Can you sleep with me tonight... please." Lucien begged.

Elian’s breath snagged in his chest, his chest visibly heaving slowly. He could not hold Lucien’s gaze; it would only show his crumbling walls.

"Why would I do that, Your Grace?" He asked softly.

"I haven’t slept properly for two months after you left... you are my peace, Elian... please–"

"I am your peace?" Elian asked with a confused look.

Lucien gulped and nodded, holding Elian’s gaze steadily. "You are my peace." He murmured.

Elian nodded slowly. "You have mentioned countless times how we were something so warm and hot in the past. Perhaps you are right. Then, tell me, why would I leave a man who shows so much affection toward me, or..." he narrowed his eyes.

"Were you not my peace? Is that why I left?" Elian asked, trying to see if Lucien was going to paint himself as a saint or tell the truth.

Lucien’s gaze fell, his shoulders visibly slacking. "No... I was not your peace... far from it." He said, sighing.

"Oh?" Elian arched his brow.

Lucien scratched the side of his neck, clenching his jaw. "Elian, I’m sorry. For everything. I know you can’t remember, and sometimes I am so selfish and wish you never remember. But I want you to want me now, the man who has learned his lesson and is willing to give you his everything –"

"I refuse," Elian folded his arms, cutting Lucien off.

Lucien blinked, feeling completely thrown off.

"You will not sleep with me?"

"Yes, Your Grace. Also, do stop trying to get closer to me. It is clear you treated me bad. Falling back into your arms would be foolish, do you not agree, Your Grace?" Elian questioned.

Lucien smiled, a small sad smile.

"It would be considered foolish. But it is not," He reached his hand out, touching Elian’s hair over his shoulder. "Because I’m not the same man who hurt you. I’m the man who wants to treat you so well until I erase every hurt I’ve caused–"

"Hurting someone can’t be erased, Your Grace. I might not remember, but I know my heart is asking me to stay away from you." Elian interrupted softly.

Lucien’s hand fell and he stayed silent for a while.

"I’m hurting, Elian... so much..." he murmured.

"Speaking for the man I assume I was in the past, I want to tell you that he was also hurting... maybe he still is."

"Elian please... I need you," Lucien breathed out. "I failed to see that you were my only true friend, the only one who understood me past my ruthlessness and anger. I failed you, Elian, and I’m ready to do whatever it takes to have you forgive me. But please, don’t leave me feeling this hollow inside me... my darkness, they’re trying to consume me again; only you keep them at bay... please." He stepped forward, placing his forehead on Elian’s shoulder and inhaling his fresh, sweet scent.

"God..." His hands came up and held Elian’s waist like Elian would disappear if he let go. "I miss you so much, Elian, I want you." He turned his head and pressed his lips against Elian’s soft neck.

"Um, s-stop," Elian murmured and shoved him away, breathing hard.

That whispery kiss had pushed down the last wall around his heart, and if he let Lucien continue, they would not make it into any of their bedrooms.

"Elian–"

"I’ll sleep with you," Elian blurted out.

Lucien froze, his breath visibly shuddering as he gulped. "You... will?" His voice came out huskily.