Chapter 145: Or So He Tried To Convince Himself

Chapter 145: Chapter 145: Or So He Tried To Convince Himself

In the end, after talking for a while longer, the two finally put the matter behind them.

Once Yizhou left the room, Sui Sui watched the door close before grabbing the blanket and burying himself underneath it.

He had been holding back his embarrassment the entire time Yizhou was there, but now that he was finally alone, he could no longer contain himself.

Wahhh! Did he really just do that kind of thing?!

They had actually kissed!

But Wait! could it even be considered a kiss if they had only done it for the sake of cultivation and not because they had wanted to kiss each other?

Sui Sui had no idea. All he knew was that he was still terribly embarrassed, and what made it worse was that he had actually enjoyed it! How could something like that feel so good?!

No, no, no! It must have been an illusion!

Trying to convince himself of this, Sui Sui recalled the sensations from earlier and hesitantly reached up to touch his lips. The moment his fingers brushed them, the memory of Yizhou’s kiss came rushing back. He could almost feel the warmth of those lips against his own again, along with the hand resting on his waist and the way Yizhou had drawn him closer.

As the memories resurfaced, Sui Sui couldn’t help feeling as though he had accidentally opened a door to a completely new world, one he had never even known existed.

In his previous life, such things had always been something distant from him, something he had only encountered sometimes in novels but didn’t pay attention to since it didn’t interest him that much. He had never imagined that a kiss could make someone feel so many unfamiliar things, let alone that he would be the one experiencing them firsthand.

Before he could stop himself, his thoughts wandered back to those sensations, and an unfamiliar wave of heat spread through his body, specifically somewhere lower. Sui Sui froze. By the time he realized what was happening, his soul nearly left his body in fright.

He seemed... possibly... maybe... probably to be having a physical reaction just from the memory of being kissed!

And the reaction showed no signs of subsiding. If anything, it seemed to be getting worse. Sui Sui hurriedly tried to calm himself down, but his mind had already descended into chaos.

Argh! He was going to die! How was he supposed to face anyone after this?! More importantly, how was he supposed to face Senior Brother?!

How could he be so lacking in integrity?! This was the male protagonist he had known through the novel for over a decade! Although Yizhou was indeed a bit of a bully, Sui Sui had always thought of him as a good brother from another mother. Of course, Yizhou probably didn’t share the same sentiment, but that wasn’t the point!

The point was that he had actually reacted like this just from kissing him! If Yizhou ever found out, he thinks he might get killed?!

No, no, no! He couldn’t panic! This wasn’t his fault! It must be because his Extreme Yin Constitution was reacting on its own. Yes, that had to be it! If he remembered correctly, the novel had mentioned similar things about special physiques. His body was probably just responding to the spiritual energy. It had nothing to do with him!

After repeating this explanation to himself several times, Sui Sui finally managed to suppress his body’s reaction, though it proved much more difficult than he had expected. In the end, he decided that the best course of action was to distract himself with something else before his thoughts wandered somewhere they absolutely shouldn’t.

He sat up on the bed, crossed his legs, and began meditating to digest the spiritual energy he had received. As he calmed his mind and guided the energy through his meridians, he couldn’t help being surprised by just how abundant it was.

The spiritual energy flowed steadily through his body, gathering in his dantian far more quickly than he was accustomed to. In the past, cultivating had never been this easy, but after exchanging spiritual energy with Yizhou, he felt as though he had suddenly been given a big meal more than he could usually gather on his own.

Fortunately, as he concentrated on circulating the energy, his body gradually returned to its usual cool state, and the lingering heat that had troubled him earlier finally began to subside. With his mind occupied by cultivation, Sui Sui could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

—

On the other hand, Yizhou wasn’t faring any better.

The moment he left Sui Sui’s room, he headed straight out of his courtyard, gathering spiritual energy beneath his feet and flying out.

He needed to get away from this place as quickly as possible. Otherwise, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep himself under control.

The memory of what had happened earlier was still fresh in his mind, and the more he tried to suppress it, the more acutely he became aware of the restless heat lingering beneath his skin. Even the thought of returning to his usual routine seemed impossible with his mind in such a state. He needed somewhere quiet, somewhere no one would disturb him, where he could collect himself before he did something he might regret.

After flying for a while, Yizhou eventually made his way to the back mountain of Wenjian Sect, where a secluded spring lay hidden among the trees. The surrounding forest was quiet, with only the faint rustle of leaves and the gentle sound of water breaking the silence. He landed beside the pool, removed his outer robe, and stepped into the spring before slowly submerging himself. He continued downward until he reached the bottom, allowing the cool water to close over his head and envelop his entire body.

The familiar chill spread across his skin, bringing a measure of relief to the heat he had been struggling to suppress since earlier. Yizhou remained motionless beneath the water, he closed his eyes, hoping the cold would clear his head. Unfortunately, the moment he did, Sui Sui’s face appeared in his mind.

More specifically, those damp eyes that had looked up at him, glistening with tears, accompanied by an expression so pitiful that even now, recalling it stirred something deep within him.

Truthfully, Yizhou hadn’t wanted to stop. The desire to continue had been almost overwhelming. He had wanted to indulge himself a little longer, to savor that beautiful sight and see what other reactions he could draw from Sui Sui. There was something about the younger man’s flushed face and tearful eyes that made it difficult to look away, something that tempted him to push further and discover just how much more he could draw out of him.

Yet, beneath that intense desire, there had been something else. Something deep within his mind seemed to be whispering to him, quietly but insistently, that he didn’t want to see this person cry.

That was why, despite how badly he had wanted to continue, his first instinct upon noticing Sui Sui’s tears had been to stop. It was as though an invisible hand had reached into his mind, restraining his desires while a voice he couldn’t identify urged him to put Sui Sui first. Be careful with him. Don’t frighten him. Don’t be the reason for his tears.

The thoughts had come so naturally that Yizhou hadn’t questioned them at the time. But now, with no one around to distract him, he couldn’t help wondering where they had come from. Since when had he become so concerned about another person’s feelings? And why did this inexplicable urge to protect someone seem to arise only when it came to Sui Sui?

It was almost as though this person had been created specifically for him. A glimpse of pale skin, a soft moan, or even a single tear could awaken primal desires buried deep within Yizhou’s heart. Sui Sui seemed capable of stirring something in him that he neither understood nor knew how to control.

But was that really all there was to it?

Ever since their encounter in Xuánshuāng City, Yizhou knew that something deep within him seemed to have awakened, something that had remained dormant until Sui Sui came into his life. At times, he couldn’t help wondering if it was because Sui Sui had shown him something he had wanted so desperately to see, something he had once believed he could never have.

But no. He knew better than to mistake an illusion for reality.

No matter how convincing it was, no matter how much he altered it or how desperately he wished to believe in it, an illusion would always remain an illusion. It could imitate what he longed for, offer him a fleeting glimpse of what he wanted most, but it could never truly become real. There was no point in clinging to something that existed only in a dream, much less allowing himself to become attached to it.

So why was he still thinking about it? Why, even now, did the thought of Sui Sui stir feelings he could neither explain nor easily dismiss?

What exactly was this feeling?

Was it lust for his Extreme Yin Constitution? Obsession with the unattainable? Limerence for an illusion? Or something else entirely?

The more Yizhou thought about it, the more displeased he became. He didn’t like this feeling. To treasure something was to give it value, and anything valuable could become a weakness. Once a person began to care too much, means that they had something to lose. Their judgment could become clouded, their decisions compromised, and their enemies could exploit that attachment.

Yizhou had no intention of allowing such a thing to happen to him.

There was nothing wrong with keeping Sui Sui around. The younger man amused him, and Yizhou enjoyed having him close. But becoming attached was another matter entirely. He didn’t want to find himself worrying over Sui Sui’s feelings or restraining his own desires because he couldn’t bear to upset him. Such a development would be troublesome, to say the least.

How ridiculous.

An unwelcome thought suddenly crossed his mind.

If Sui Sui was becoming a weakness, wouldn’t it be better to get rid of him altogether?

It was a simple solution. Without Sui Sui, there would be no need to question these strange impulses or wonder why he seemed so determined to protect him. He could return to the way things had always been, without an inexplicable attachment threatening to interfere with his judgment.

Yet the moment he entertained the thought, a faint ache spread through his chest.

Yizhou went still.

It was a small, fleeting discomfort, but it left him frowning at the water before him. He had merely imagined getting rid of Sui Sui, and already, something inside him seemed to reject the idea.

What was wrong with him?

He didn’t want to get rid of Sui Sui, how could he even think of such a thing?!

The realization came far too easily, leaving him with little room for denial. No matter how troublesome these feelings were, the thought of losing the younger man was even more unpleasant. He wanted to keep Sui Sui close, to see that face whenever he pleased, to tease him and watch him become flustered.

For a while, Yizhou remained silent, caught between the desire to avoid a weakness and the unwillingness to let Sui Sui go.

What an irritating predicament.

Eventually, he decided there was no point in making things more complicated than they needed to be. If he didn’t want to get rid of Sui Sui, then he wouldn’t. He had never been one to give up something he wanted simply because obtaining it had become difficult.

As for whether this attachment would eventually become a weakness, he chose not to think about it.

Yizhou didn’t know, and he had no intention of finding out. Perhaps refusing to examine these feelings too closely was a defense mechanism, a way of protecting himself from an answer he wasn’t ready to face. As long as he didn’t give them a name, he could pretend they were nothing more than desire.

After all, what difference did it make?

As long as he could keep Sui Sui by his side and satisfy the selfish desires this person had awakened within him, surely that was enough.

Or so he tried to convince himself.