Chapter 117: Conversations About Everything and Nothing

Taking a few steps forward, Han Kai stopped and stared intently, specifically at An. 'Torn clothes, stains, even traces of dirt on his skin, his hair a mess... Something really is wrong with Master An.'

'I remember once asking him why he cared so much about his appearance. Master told me that to be accepted by society, even knowing his origins, tidiness mattered above everything else in a first impression... but right now… I've never seen Master looking like this. No one's ever seen him like this. What's happening?'

Staying where he was, he glanced out of the corner of his eye at the cultivator sitting beside An, tending to his own wounds. 'And him. What's he doing here? Xuan Lun... a criminal wanted across the entire Upper World.'

"Make yourself at home, sit down." A calm, faintly heavy, tired voice pulled him out of his thoughts, An's voice.

Hearing that voice, that particular inflection, Han Kai was thrown off all over again. 'Even the tone of his voice is different...'

Walking slowly up to the fire, he sat down carefully, positioning himself so both Xuan Lun and An sat facing him.

Studying An's face, he suddenly heard Lun's voice. "Hey, righteous disciple, what are you doing out here all alone?"

"Um, my group... I fell behind and must've taken a wrong turn somewhere." Saying this, looking at Lun, he caught, from the corner of his eye, An was smirking slightly.

Silence fell over the campfire. No one said anything. Only the crackling of embers broke the quiet.

"Any more wine?" Suddenly, Lun drained his mug and held it out.

An just nodded, wrapped the mug in Qi, pulled it out of his hand, drew it toward himself, filled it back up to the brim, and sent it back.

Watching this happen, Han Kai frowned slightly. 'Master never drinks... He always said alcohol kills ambition and passion.'

"Got a mug or a cup?"

Suddenly Kai watched An lift his head for the first time and reveal his eyes. Cold, devoid of any emotion, an emptiness that seemed to pull you in.

Looking into those green eyes, flickering with the firelight, Kai felt a primal fear stirring somewhere deep inside him, on some level below conscious thought.

Tearing his gaze away, he pulled a small tea cup out of his ring, wiped it off, and held it out toward An.

"Eh, what are you planning to drink out of that? What's that hold, five, ten drops?" Shaking his head, An turned to Lun. "Hey, got another mug?"

Lun nodded and pulled out a second mug, slightly smaller, and handed it to him.

"Catch." Sending it over, filled to the brim, wrapped in Qi, An took a few swigs straight from the bottle himself.

Carefully cradling the cup in both hands, Kai frowned again. "My Master always said alcohol kills ambition." Bringing it up to his face slightly, he sniffed it.

"Pfft!" Lun smirked, shook his head, took two small sips, and went back to wrapping himself in bandages.

"Your Master's a moron if he actually believes that..." Looking at him, An heard Kai click his tongue and shake his head slightly.

"You think I'm wrong? If alcohol's capable of killing your ambition, then by that logic you'd have to give up women too, friends, acquaintances, any hobby, any single action that might distract you for even a few minutes... Your master's logic is all about controlled focus, strict adherence, holding steady on one direction at all times. But he's wrong. Only fools think that's the right approach, especially when it comes to cultivation..." An snapped his fingers twice, and the fire grew a little brighter, a fresh bottle flying out from his ring.

"So what's the right approach, then?" Finishing with his bandages, Lun looked at him, puzzled.

"A goal. You need to know what you're trying to reach. Understanding, you need to know, or at least have some idea, how to get there. Patience, you need to accept there will be obstacles along the way. And most important of all, willpower, you need to be able to hold your own mind steady on that path." Pulling small embers out of the fire, he began arranging them into a shape on the ground.

"Wait... but that's basically all the same thing... in a sense." Lun immediately voiced an opinion that matched Han Kai's own.

An just smiled and set down another ember. "That's exactly the point."

"Explain." Kai beat Lun to it this time.

"Your path, your approach, it has to be individual. Even if it overlaps with someone else's by 99.9%, you still have to think of theirs as 'idiotic', their whole path as 'completenonsense'."

"Hm, but why? If your paths, your approaches to cultivation, are nearly identical, why does he have to be an idiot?" Kai frowned, genuinely unable to grasp what he meant.

"Oh, he's talking about the trap." Lun suddenly understood what An was getting at.

"A trap?" Kai looked between the two of them, taking an unconscious sip of wine.

"Bandage-guy's right-" An pointed a finger at Lun.

"I'm Lun. Xuan Lun." He cut him off, introducing himself.

"Oh. Then, Xuan Lun's right. You're falling into what's called the 'trap' of cultivation..." An lifted his gaze and looked at Han Kai.

"Picture a snow-covered plain. Behind you is the village where you were born and raised. Ahead of you is a dark, massive, impassable forest. The elder of your village hands you, and let's say twenty other children just like you, tall boots, just to protect you from the snow underfoot. You put them on, and you realize they fit perfectly, like they were always meant to, perfect for wading through the deep drifts." Pulling a few more embers from the fire, he kept assembling the shape on the ground.

"You start walking toward the mysterious forest, full of fear at the unknown ahead. You look around and see a few children who've already given up, sitting down in the snow. Some have even pulled ahead of you. Seeing all this, you don't give up, and you keep walking across the field in front of the mysterious forest. As you get closer, you start noticing footprints in the snow, left by people before you... Getting closer and closer to the forest, you realize the plain was actually tilted, and the closer you get, the steeper the incline, forcing you to exert more effort."

"You realize this is getting hard, since every step costs you more strength, and your mind starts playing tricks on you. Constantly hitting you with questions you have no answers for... And suddenly, your attention shifts back to those deep footprints left by people before you, people who walked this exact same path, trying to reach that same mysterious forest."

"Standing there with a choice: keep going and carve your own trail, leaving your own footprints, or step into the footprints already laid down before you... But who said those footprints actually lead to the place you wanted to reach when you first started walking? What if they just stop, unexpectedly, at some point? What if those footprints just lead you around in circles, never letting you move forward?" Having laid out half the symbol in black coals, An pulled out the next ember, and the instant he channeled a bit of WoodQi into it, moss immediately sprouted across its surface.

"Wait! But how can you be sure your own path will actually take you where you're trying to go? And why can't you take a step forward if the footprints you were following suddenly stop?" Black lines forming across his forehead, Kai waited for an answer to his questions. He felt something strange stirring inside him, like his own guts were twisting into a knot.

Sitting quietly, Lun sipped his wine slowly, glancing between the two of them.

"When you took your first step, you remember it. You know it. Every step you take, straining to keep your balance in that snow, trying to find steadier footing so you don't sink in... with every step, you gain experience. Your path, the path you carved yourself, from the very beginning... But when you walk in trampled footprints, footprints you know nothing about: how much effort the owner of those prints put into making them, where they had to catch their balance to avoid falling, when they rested, when they strained... Sure, you might spot differences between the footprints, if you follow them long enough... but who said you actually understand them, that you'll be able to keep going once they suddenly stop..." Taking a few more sips of wine, An smiled slightly.

"Hm, If-... then following your own path is exactly the same? Who's to say at what point you'll get stuck and unable to take another step? And how would we know your own last step ended up any farther than the step of whoever you might've followed?" Kai suddenly tossed a small twig into the fire, fidgeting the whole time.

"You're forgetting about the ones who left the village alongside you and stopped after just a few steps? It all comes back to you, in the end. What if? What if this? Why not that? Every decision you make: whether it's cutting off your own finger, or putting on a dragon costume and running around screaming that you're the lord of beasts... all of it is your path. Any decision you make is your path."

"Every decision, every thought, pushes you forward, either forcing you or helping you, whichever's easier for you to accept, to take the next step. Are you tired? Want to rest? Want a drink? Want to spend a night in a brothel and become a vessel for cultivation? Go ahead, that's part of your path, that's who you are... Want to listen to your master, follow his every word, even while doubting them, even while wanting something else entirely? That's your path too..."

Staring into the fire for a long while, Kai finally looked up. "Then everything you just said doesn't mean anything, and my Master was right?"

"Hahaha! He already told you at the start, your master's a moron. Even if your master's path overlaps with his by 99.9%. In his eyes, your Master's still a moron. Or rather, his path is." Laughing, not lifting his face from his mug, Lun shot a glance at Kai.

"Exactly. Your Master's right, but he's also wrong. I'm right, but I'm also wrong. It all depends on you. If your path involves drawing from other people's paths, then that path is the right one for you, and every other path is wrong. Which means everyone else is a moron, and you're right." An nodded.

"But then none of this means anything? So what's the point of any of it?" Kai still couldn't grasp An's perspective at all. Couldn't tell who was right and who wasn't.

"And what makes you think anything has to mean something?" An smirked, watching with interest as Kai's face shifted with his own internal turmoil.

"You said it yourself, everyone has their own path! So for my path, your words should mean something to me!" Still fidgeting with the mug in his hands, he stared into An's eyes.

"Exactly. For your path. Your path isn't my path. For me, this conversation might mean something, and at the same time, mean nothing at all. This conversation might matter, or it might not. Again, it all comes down to what's in your own head." An tapped a finger against his own temple. "The one thing every path has in common, no matter how different they are... is their purpose: to push you, help you, guide you, drag you toward the next step. In shaping your path, you shape your own beliefs, your faith in something, your dreams, your desires, whatever they are. All of it becomes the foundation of your cultivation..."

"Then... but again. You could be wrong. Your beliefs could be mistaken??" Kai's face tightened slightly, trying to trap An in his own logic.

"That's exactly the point of your path. You're shaping yourself into whoever you want to be, every belief, every ounce of faith, gets built into that path. Being right? I'm a hundred percent right, but only for myself. For you? I could be a psychopath, a jerk, a lunatic... whatever you want to call me. And the exact same thing works in reverse."

"Heh, I feel like smoke's about to start pouring out of his ears." Sipping his wine, Lun watched Kai's face twist with confusion, a wide grin he couldn't hide even behind his mug.

"So, hm, meaning everything you just said is the core of your own beliefs, for you. But for me, it's just something I can accept or reject, depending on my own faith... In the end, your decision's your decision, and mine's mine?" Taking a few large gulps, Kai set his mug down on the log he was sitting on.

"Exactly. My path is my thoughts, the way I think. Your path is your thoughts... Whatever's going on in your head, that is your path. And it doesn't matter how twisted or strange your path looks to anyone else, for you, it's the right path, the only path.”

“Even when you find yourself trapped, facing what looks like several choices. In reality, there's only ever one choice in front of you. The one you actually pick. Because, in the end, the other choices never existed, you never lived through them, you never chose them, and because of that, they never really existed at all... The path in front of you is always a straight one. Even though it creates the illusion of choice, in the end there is no illusion, there's no choice at all." Finishing the symbol on the ground, An looked up at the burning flames.

"Hmm, then, hm... for example, what if someone traveled back in time and could make a different choice? Wouldn't that contradict everything you just said?" Thinking about his own fate, about everything that had happened to him, where he'd ended up, he couldn't help but ask.

"Again, we come back to the same thing: your path is your thoughts, your beliefs. I'm just sharing my own perspective. What I believe, what forms the foundation of my own path..." An settled in more comfortably and picked up his beast pouch, sending a small particle of Qi into it to check on Baldi.

After that, everything around the fire fell into silence, no one saying a word.

Once he'd confirmed Baldi was fine, he tucked the pouch back onto his belt.

Lun was the one to break the silence, lifting his head from his mug and looking at An. "Tell me, demonic energy... how harmful is it to my cultivation, exactly?"

The question threw Kai off, and he looked between the two of them.

"You mean your own energy?" An asked immediately, without even looking at Lun.

Lun just nodded, waiting for an answer.

"You don't need to worry. Judging by your Qi, it has nothing to do with demonic energy at all... Sure, it looks like it's trying to seem demonic, but it isn't. Though I'm not entirely sure how safe the method you're cultivating with actually is in the long run..." An lifted his head and, reading the information from the Qi flowing off Lun again, gave him an honest answer, exactly what he actually thought.

Turning back toward the fire, he caught Kai's baffled expression, his face practically screaming that he was barely holding himself back from blurting out a stream of questions.

He just smiled. "Plenty of cultivators have mutations. My mutation is that I sometimes sense a bit more than everyone else."

'Master's never mentioned having any ability like that...' Staring intently at An, he decided to keep pushing anyway. "Then, what's actually wrong with demonic energy? I know from the books I've read that it gives fast results, but practitioners run into serious trouble later, during breakthroughs between realms."

"It all comes down to how demonic energy forms... It's built from neutral Qi and DeathQi. And the catalyst is a mix of different impurities the dantian can't actually use... In the end, all those impurities settle around your dantian, and part of it can even get inside and sink to the bottom... And when you try to break through, even into Foundation Establishment realm, that residue adds extra strain and complicates your breakthrough, since you'll have to burn part of your energy just fighting off that filth."

An suddenly looked at the ring on Kai's hand and pointed at it. "Even the pills the Elders hand out to you all, meant to substitute for your own cultivation... they still don't protect you a hundred percent from the demonic energy surrounding you."

Turning to Lun, he continued. "But you don't need to worry. Looks like your technique's done something to your dantian, something that's protecting you."

'His technique's set up something like a filter around his dantian… I can see all kinds of rune shapes inside his body. Interesting.' Studying Lun's body, he tried to understand, to actually see what these runes were, or at least commit them to memory for later, but no matter what, he couldn't quite make out what they actually looked like. Something was stopping him from seeing it fully.

"So what am I supposed to do? How do I get rid of it?" Kai asked the question, realizing that over all these months, through all these battles, he'd eaten a huge number of these pills, and if An was right, his own dantian was now surrounded by this so-called residue.

"You? Nothing. Once you leave this place and get back somewhere with clean Qi, your body will flush it out on its own... So you don't need to worry, but don't think that means you can stop being careful either. There's a limit to everything, and your body's no exception." Reading the information from his body, he could see part of the impurities had already settled inside Kai's physical body, not from cultivation cycles, but from the involuntary absorption of Qi that kept happening during battles or whenever he burned through large amounts of his own Qi.

After a long stretch of thought, Kai finally decided to ask one of the main questions that had been nagging at him for a while now. "My master... he once saw a Saint Alchemy Master refine a pill and hand it to a cultivator. Um, and that cultivator, after taking the pill... under the stimulation of a massive amount of Qi, from artifacts and other pills, the pill created... or rather, the pill transformed and became a second dantian."

Han Kai wanted to hear this young An's opinion and compare it against his own Master An's. The whole time he'd been sitting by this fire, listening, he'd grown more and more convinced he was sitting across from an entirely different person. Not just his thoughts, but his whole appearance, his mannerisms. And strangest of all was his gaze.

His Master always had warm eyes, disciples could always find the courage to ask him anything, just from one look at his friendly, welcoming gaze.

But this young version of his Master, sitting across from him. Every time Kai caught his gaze, he felt as though An wasn't even looking at him at all, but straight through him.

Looking into his eyes, all Kai felt was cold and emptiness, and the longer he stayed locked in that gaze, the stronger the fear and panic grew inside him, completely beyond his own control.