Day One Thousand One Hundred

Dear Diary,

I...

I am going to be having a long heart to heart with the Fates. I will not be doing this today, because I am giving myself at least a few hours to cool down. Okay, I'm going to try very hard to give myself a few hours to cool down, but most of all I think right now my friends need me, and I'm going to focus on that for now, rather than trying to problem solve via applied violence.

Okay, as noted I intend to start with Skuld, because she is both polite and someone I've talked to before, which means if and when I show up looking less than friendly, she'll maybe talk rather than reply to my angry face with immediate violence. Also, she's cute, which might actually make me think twice before lashing out. I do not want to lash out indiscriminately at parties who are not responsible for the pain of me and mine, and I will take whatever leverage against my own rage that I can get.

And I mean cute, by the way, not 'hot' or even 'attractive'. Cute in the 'innocent, maybe even Childlike in some ways' sense. Which means that maybe my inner rage beast will see her as a Child to be protected as much as the architect of Children's pain.

Yeah, this makes eleven times. If once is chance, twice is coincidence, and thrice is enemy action, what even is the ordinal phrase for the eleventh fuckin' time? No, seriously, I don't know if I ever looked that one up. Yeah, 'eleventh' is the normal common English one, but I get the urge to get fancy when I'm pissed, so I want to know what the fancy word for it is.

I think the worst part of it is that part of this time was my own fuckin' fault. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, because I didn't fuck around, so I don't think I deserve to find out, but I did fuck up. I fucked up in a very me way, doing something in a moment of crisis that I would have to think not to do, but I still fucked up. Guess that's just another sign that I'm healing. Recovering. Whatever you do to stop being traumatized and start acting... Behaving? No, being a healthy person with healthy responses.

I wish I could tell myself that part of why I fucked up the way I did wasn't itself a trauma response, but I'm not sure. All I am sure of is that I fucked up, and while I'm not going to take it out on myself, I don't want to take it out on anyone else, either. Not even the Fates. Not even if they are responsible for the rest, because lashing out at other people for something I did is just way too... I dunno, way too Shit Pyramid, I guess.

So yesterday wasn't terrible. Kinda like last week, most of us shared shit. Shared the tales of our trauma, how we'd been hurt, and most importantly how that twisted us, because you can't start straightening up until you know where and how you're twisted. Daya talked about Lyssa's attack and being left to lie there, helpless. She acknowledged that she'd already talked about it, that Menace had apologized, but it still hurt, still had some part of her knotted up. I'm not sure we had any kind of resolution on that, but she seemed less tense afterward. Like just letting it out and getting confirmation that no, she's not being weak or stupid, she's just recovering from being hurt, that helped her as much as anything else.

Davey talked about how she's expected to be cheerful all the time, and seemed really surprised when we told her she didn't need to be, that we loved her no matter what. Cutest thing was when Garde stepped up, hugged her, and said, "Rest. I'll Cheer."

Yeah, declaring herself the cheerful one in tones that sounded like lead slabs landing from a great height. Everybody laughed, at which point she turned back to Davey and said, "See? It's Working."

Aisling didn't share. But she wept. Every time someone mentioned something about parents, which came up with Jack, Karen, Maze, and Alex, who broke down halfway through talking about her parents dying during the Plague. I don't think anybody actually understood half of her sobbing tale, but by midway through her sibs had surrounded her to the point where the Mom Collective could only nod approvingly from the edges. One good thing about having our whole hoard, I guess.

So Aisling wept until she slept, and if I woke her for dinner, she didn't seem upset when I held her and spoon fed her like a toddler. She's not much bigger than toddler sized, but she's clearly more than toddler aged; she's got none of the baby fat toddlers always do. Honestly she looks more Maze and Ria's age, which under the old Status might put them at the young edge of Juvenile.

Yeah, I asked Saffron at one point, it used to go 'Infant, Child, Juvenile, Young Adult', but the dividing line between Child and Juvenile was apparently puberty, with a great deal of variability over whether it was 'onset' or 'completion'. Saffron's Status has a lot more granularity, with 'Infant', 'Toddler', 'Child', 'Pubescent', and 'Adolescent' all coming before Young Adult. I asked her, and apparently 'Pubescent' is for when the puberty hormones have kicked in, where 'Adolescent' is for after those same hormones have altered the brain chemistry enough for the kid to naturally start having impulses, if they're gonna. I'm not sure if that's really perfect, but it sure seems better than what went before.

At any rate, I think duBois had an impact on me, because while I'm curious, I haven't hit her with Status yet, because while we gave the Docs permission for medical reasons, I haven't specifically gotten two Phileo Councilors to give us the go ahead. Yes, I'm aware that there are two living at the Homestead, both of them in the Mom Collective, but every time I think about it...

I was gonna say 'they're not around, or they're busy', because I am an idiot.

Saffron? Marie?

Yes?

I chuckled. You two are cute when you answer in chorus. Do you think I ought to Inspect Aisling?

Saffron's reply came back laced with affectionate frustration, I'm surprised you haven't already.

Marie's was even more succinct. Yes.

At any rate, I fed her bisque and crackers, the kind that go to mush in your mouth real easy. She slept through us all soaking in the Bath, then slept through the night with, Siobhan tells me, far fewer dreams disturbing her sleep. Apparently Aoibh can get cranky when she wakes up in the middle of the night wanting milk, so Siobhan's been awake a lot at night. Not 'sleep deprived', at least not as much as some new moms I knew back in the day, but enough that she's sleeping late and not feeling guilty about it.

She also returned to work! She asked me to take her, and I dropped her and Aoibh at the Infirmary, where she immediately set to bossing her new subordinates around. When I stepped up to class, I didn't go right away; I Blended myself into unnoticeability, first getting Aisling's attention and pressing a finger to my mouth, which got me a nod, then watching as the two scribes listened to Siobhan's directions about how she wanted the records arranged, then got to work, and the two... Heroes? Cadets? Senior Cadets, it looked like, seemed almost like they were gonna give her some shit about being gone so long, or who she was, or whatever.

She looked down her nose at them, an impressive feat with her being like five three and them both being six foot or over, and said, "I appreciate the two of you working so hard during my long absence. While my maternity leave was spent quite miserably, it did not dull the wits that enabled me to earn the Title Archmage. Specifically earned replacing one of Archmage Aetos-Diaz' Global spells with an improved version."

Yeah. Those two shut up and soldiered after that, so I stepped up to class. I figured working in a classroom with a bunch of Senior Cadets and Heroes with only one Child anywhere near me would minimize any potential casualties if the Fates decided to fuck around. 

"Hey Doc, I'm gonna put a Mana Ward up, k?"

That got the attention of most of the class, and if I noticed the subtle signs of Doc tensing a little, they only said, "will you be experimenting today then?"

"Nah," I said with a smile. "I'm just casting a few Spells, and I don't want to disturb anybody else who's testing things."

"Very good. Class, please include Champion Diaz' Mana Ward in any calculations which require it."

With that I popped up a nostalgic Mana Ward, one that reminded me of the first ones I put up back in my first Heroic Skills class, the one Saffron and I sat around necking in while she practiced her basic Shaping and I pouted about not getting Skills no matter how hard I worked.

Yeah, it was opaque.

I also put up a secondary Ward, a Filtration Ward that blocked sound.

Inside, Aisling stiffened a little, then relaxed when I gave her a little hug. "Hey, Aisling. Can I cast a Spell on you?"

More tension, then a whispered, "wha ... Spell?"

I nodded to let her know the question was fine, quietly answering, "it's a Spell called Status. Saffron made it. It lets me see more about you, so I can..." I thought about it a second, then shrugged and finished, "so I can be a better Mom for you."

Yeah, saying I was gonna be her Mom did not get the expected results. She stiffened up, eyes going wide. Not, like, anticipation or eagerness, but not exactly fear, either. Shock, maybe. Okay, there may have been some fear in there, but also resignation. Weird look, but eventually she took a deep breath, then nodded. "... kay."

I extruded a little Mana wire from my cheek, then paused with it partway out as she flinched. "It's okay. It's just part of the Spell."

I waited until she relaxed again and said, "kay," before continuing.

That seemed to match what the Docs had said, although that eight in Personality made me a little nervous, as did the 'Adolescent' age based Title.

Then I got a rush of brains to the head. Tallulah?

Yes, Goddess?

C'mon, T. Call me Tabitha.

Since you used your pet name for me, certainly, Tabitha.

That's your flag for whether we're being informal or not?

She sent me a mental shrug. It seemed as good as any.

Good to know. Also something I wanted to know; is Glamour anything like Blend?

Tallulah hummed mentally a moment, then replied, I would not say so, but I suspect you would.

Explain?

Of course. Glamour is a Fae Shape, one that takes many forms, although most would qualify as a Spell or Skill. In practice its effects are similar to Blend, but it is more adept at deceiving its targets, and less adept at deceiving its user.

That caught me. I mean, I knew part of any good con was believing what I was saying, but that seemed a little too on the nose. How has Blend deceived me?

Speaking slowly and carefully, like someone talking in a third language to somebody who barely knew that same language, you think you speak and understand Greek.

Yeah, it had been a while since that happened. Somebody reminding me that the only reason I could talk to people was Blend. Okay, I could probably be understood in Rich Man's Port. Fred, Maze, and oddly enough Tallulah could talk to me if I didn't have my Blend translation going. I hoped. At any rate, I definitely changed the subject just a little. Do you think Glamour could spoof Status?

Spoof...? Before I could reply, she continued. Ah. Yes, I suppose it could, were it strong enough.

Any big, notable differences between Blend and Glamour?

Another quick pause, which I realized was Tallulah paring down what would have been a long lecture into something I could understand on the first go round. It is more Mana intensive, less passive, and susceptible to Cold Iron interference.

Which would hurt her, wouldn't it?

Indeed.

I sighed. Thanks, T.

Tallulah practically fondled my name when she replied, you're very welcome, Tabitha.

Surprised me a little, but I just smiled down at the little one. "Okay... Do you mind if I call you Ash?" She tensed, almost shuddering. "Okay, Aisling. Aisling it is." I mentally prodded the word 'Glamour'.

I sighed with relief. Then almost facepalmed, because sure as shit if I were gonna fuck with my Status via Blend, the first thing I'd do was make my Blend show up as a shit ton lower than it was. Didn't if I could make it go away, but I'd sure as shit try. But I remembered Loki saying something about Blend fucking with Blend, so I figured that she couldn't outright Glamour me into thinking she didn't have Glamour.

I sighed, then said, "may I cast another Spell on you?"

"... one?"

I nodded, pushed my Blend around us, and said, "the same one, really, just a stronger version of it."

She pursed her lips, but then nodded. "... k."

I did not want to fuck this shit up with my new little girl, so I took my time. First I pushed my Blend up to the point where I'm pretty sure nobody but my ladies would be able to find me, then I extruded a new Status, this time with that little extra switch set. I trickled Mana into it, glad I'd hesitated when it almost immediately shot up to a very bluish purple. Achingly slowly, I dialed it back. Bit by bit...

Larry's hand landed on my shoulder as he half barked, "Commander!"

I pulled the Mana back into me, swearing as I did, because that shit stung. A quick check of the sun showed me I'd been fiddling with trying to get the Mana dosage just right most of the day. Fuckin' hyperfocus. "What the fuck?"

"Bonnie! She..."

I stood, shaking my head and pulling Aisling to my hip where she clung like a limpet. I grabbed his hand and said, "take me to her."

The next moment we stood in the Heir's suite, in the bedroom. The same room I'd done a quick and dirty C Section on Bonnie to save Lucas, back when I'd been amnesiac. That memory washed over me as I took in an eerily similar scene; Bonnie lay near the end of the bed, knees up, groaning. I'd seen labor very recently, and while superficially similar, this wasn't the same. Way too soon, for one thing. The Gorgon sisters all looked up at my arrival; one of them held Lucas, her claw over one of his ears, the other pressed to her breast, his eyes turned away from his mother. One of the other two stood near Bonnie's feet, the other held one of her hands.

She groaned, and I didn't stop to think, I just extruded an Assess Health.

I winced. This was way, way too soon. I poked the Granular Assessment Data, then scrolled down until I found what I was looking for.

A single line, 'Fetus: non-viable', followed by another inset line, 'Pregnancy: spontaneously terminated.'

I pulled, spun Larry around into a hug. "I'm sorry, man." Siobhan? I think we need...

Just as Larry stiffened and started to say, "what?" Bonnie groaned, shrieked, heaved, and a spray of nasty blood, mucous, and chunky nastiness blasted across the room. All over Larry. All over me.

All over Aisling.

She shrieked. No warning, no buildup, just an immediate full on scream of pain, terror, and loss. I almost recognized the sensation, the auditory and tactile equivalent of the smell of bleach. Larry shook his head but slumped, my arm the only thing holding him up. The Maenad Gorgon holding Lucas curled around him, trying and failing to cover him completely while also moving toward the door; I have no idea why it seemed to hit her harder than the other two, but it had. For their part both of them advanced on me. No, on the tiny Child who still clung to my hip.

Between the ongoing auditory assault and my tentacles trying and mostly succeeding at pushing them back, it took them precious moments to cross the bedroom. They glared at Aisling, at me, and another wave of bleach washed over me. I turned to interpose myself between them and Aisling, mentally screaming out, Hailee!

For an endless moment, I struggled against the two Maenads trying to get to my newest little girl, trying to protect their charges from what they only knew as a threat.

Then Marie arrived, Hailee holding to one claw, Isnomi to the other. Menace terrified me by stepping directly between the two Gorgon Maenads and me, going to all fours and growling. Meanwhile Hailee stepped over and laid one hand on Aisling's head.

Aisling went out like a light. The screaming cut off the moment she did. And the sun went down.