Chapter 123 WE’RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER

Chapter 124

LUMI

"I’m not going to worry about it." I say it again, more to convince myself than Ren.

Sienna isn’t going to win. I know that. She knows it too, which is probably why she’s doing this in the first place.

She wants to get into my head, make me anxious, make me lose the little peace I’ve managed to find after everything.

And I’m not going to give her that satisfaction.

I can’t.

But as I sit beside Ren, my thoughts keep drifting back to Theo, and suddenly, I don’t feel quite as certain about anything.

"It’s not even about whether she’ll win," I murmur.

Ren turns towards me. "What do you mean?" I stare at my fingers.

"What if I’m being selfish?"

His brows draw together. "Lumi?"

"What if I’m holding on to Theo because I don’t want to lose him, without thinking about what he might want when he’s older?" I swallow, finding it difficult to get the words out.

"He’s Sienna’s biological son. What if, one day, he wants her? What if he grows up and starts wondering about his mother, and I’m the person standing between them?" Ren doesn’t answer immediately. I let out a shaky breath.

"I know what Sienna has done. I know the kind of person she can be, and I’m not forgetting any of it. But what if she’s different with him? What if she really does want to be a good mother to him? What if she loves him?" My eyes begin to sting.

"What if Theo would be happier with her?" The moment the question leaves my mouth, Ren takes both my hands.

"Hey." I look at him.

"Do me a favour and listen to me." His voice is gentle, but there’s a firmness in it that makes me stop trying to look away.

"You’re Theo’s mother, Lumi." My lips part, but he continues before I can speak.

"Nobody is more of a mother to that little boy than you are. Do you understand me?" A tear slips down my cheek.

"You took care of him even though you didn’t give birth to him. You loved him when you had no idea what his biological parents had done or who they were. You didn’t need to know where he came from before deciding he was yours." He brings one of my hands to his lips.

"You have loved that boy like your own from the very beginning. You’ve stayed up with him, worried about him, taken care of him, and given him a home. There is nothing you wouldn’t do for that little boy." I shake my head, but he gently squeezes my hands.

"And that’s what a mother does, Lumi. That’s what makes you his mother. Not whether he came out of your body. Not whose blood runs through his veins. It’s the love you’ve given him, the care, the sacrifices, all the little things you’ve done for him when nobody was watching." My tears fall faster now.

"Do you understand?" I try to answer, but my throat has closed up.

Ren moves closer, wrapping his arms around me.

"Listen to me, baby. You are not stealing anybody’s child. You didn’t trick Sienna into giving him to you. You didn’t know the truth. You were told he was a child who needed a home, and you gave him one. You loved him. You raised him. You became his mother." I press my face against his chest.

"But what if he wants her?"

"Then we’ll deal with that when the time comes."

"What if he grows up and feels like I took something from him?"

"Then we’ll make sure he knows the truth. We’ll never make him feel guilty for wanting to understand where he came from." I lift my head and Ren wipes my cheek with his thumb.

"There’s nothing wrong with Theo wanting to know about his biological mother someday. There’s nothing wrong with him having questions. But that doesn’t erase you, Lumi. It doesn’t erase the woman who has been there for him all these years." I look at him, trying to absorb every word.

"And what if she really has changed?" I ask quietly. "What if she becomes the kind of mother he needs?" Ren’s expression softens.

"Then that will be something we’ll have to consider when there’s actually something to consider. But don’t start convincing yourself that a possibility you’ve imagined makes you any less of a mother." I lower my eyes.

"I just don’t want to be unfair to him."

"I know."

"I don’t want my feelings to get in the way of what’s best for him."

"And they won’t. You love him too much for that." I let out a small, broken laugh.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I’ve watched you with him." His answer comes so quickly that I look up.

"I’ve watched you forget about everything else when that boy needs you. I’ve watched you worry over the smallest things, and I’ve watched you light up whenever he runs into a room looking for you. You don’t love him because you have to, Lumi. You love him because he’s Theo." My bottom lip trembles.

"He’s my baby."

"I know, sweetheart."

"I don’t want him to feel like people are fighting over him."

"Neither do I."

"He’s only three, Ren. He doesn’t understand any of this. He doesn’t understand why people might suddenly want to take him somewhere or why adults are having conversations about him. He just knows who makes him breakfast, who puts him to bed, who he can run to when he’s frightened." I stop, pressing my lips together.

"And I don’t want him confused. I don’t want him wondering why things are changing or whether he’s done something wrong." Ren draws me back into his arms.

"Then we won’t let him carry this burden. Whatever happens between the adults, we’ll make sure he knows he’s loved. We’ll keep his life as steady as we can, and we won’t force him to understand things he’s too young to understand." I nod against him.

"I wish Sienna would leave him alone."

"So do I."

"She could have just left us to live our lives." Ren’s hand moves over my hair.

"But she hasn’t. And we’ll deal with what she’s bringing without letting it consume us." I stay quiet for a while.

I want to believe that everything will work out. I want to believe Theo will never have to experience the confusion I’m imagining, that he’ll grow up surrounded by love and never feel as though he has to choose between the people in his life.

But there’s one thing I know. I don’t want to keep Theo away from his biological mother simply because I’m afraid of losing my place in his heart.

At the same time, I won’t pretend Sienna is someone I can trust with him just because she gave birth to him.

Both things can be true. I can acknowledge that Theo may have questions about where he came from someday, and still know that he needs protection from the people who have already caused him harm.

"I just want what’s best for him," I whisper. Ren kisses my forehead.

"And that’s exactly why you’re his mother." I close my eyes.

For a moment, I allow myself to rest against him, letting his words settle over the fears I haven’t been able to quiet.

I’m not going to let Sienna turn this into a competition. I’m not going to make Theo feel guilty for having a biological mother.

But I’m not going to apologise for loving him either. Because I do. More than I could ever explain.

And no matter what happens, I hope Theo never has to question that.

.......

REN

I don’t like seeing her doubt herself. Especially not over something she has never needed to prove.

Lumi is still in my arms, her cheek resting against my chest, but I can feel the thoughts running through her.

Every now and then, her fingers move against my shirt, twisting the fabric before going still again.

She’s trying to settle down. I know her well enough to recognise when she’s doing that.

I lower my head and kiss her hair. "What’s going on in that head of yours now?"

"Nothing." I pull back just enough to look at her and she gives me a small, unconvincing smile.

"Don’t do that."

"Do what?"

"Pretend nothing is bothering you when I can practically hear you thinking." That earns a faint laugh from her, but it disappears almost immediately.

"I’m just wondering if Theo is okay."

"He is."

"I know, but..." She stops, pressing her lips together and I wait to hear what she’s about to say.

"But what?"

She looks down at the space between us. "I wonder if he misses me."

Something shifts in my chest. Of all the things she could have said, I wasn’t expecting that.

"Lumi, of course he misses you."

"What if he’s wondering where I am?" I brush my thumb over her cheek.

"Then we’ll make sure he hears from you soon." She nods, but her eyes remain lowered.

I know she wants more than reassurance. She wants to see him, hear his little voice, and hold him long enough to convince herself that nothing between them has changed.

And I understand that. I understand it more than she probably realises.

"Come here," I murmur.

"I’m already here."

"Closer." She gives me a look, but moves into my arms anyway, and I pull her onto my lap. Her hands settle against my shoulders.

For a few seconds, she simply looks at me. Then her fingers move to my collar, straightening it even though there’s nothing wrong with it.

"You’re staring," she says.

"Am I not allowed to look at my wife?" A small smile touches her lips.

"I’m not your wife. We’re not even together."