Chapter 183: Fun Animal Facts

The travel had been smooth and went a lot quicker than anticipated until we reached the swamp. What unfortunately wasn’t smooth was the swamp, and I was afraid it would probably never be smooth. Winter had struck, and it had struck hard and fast. The weather had gone from just regular cold and rainy to extremely cold and freezing in a single week. And while Vitek and I were impervious to cold, Kasia, Vasil and Bogumir were not.

Despite being indestructible, Vasil seemed to be having the hardest time with the change in weather. He complained a lot until Kasia made him a little woolen froggy sweater, socks and earmuffs. Tympanum muffs? It made him look both funny and cute, very much not like a wise advisor. Still, he spent most of his time hidden in my satchel, curled up in a piece of cloth.

The good thing about it being extremely cold was that the swamp wasn’t wet and soggy and muddy anymore. The bad thing about it being extremely cold was that the swamp was now hard and slippery, which was made even worse by the fact that almost everything was lumpy, so it might have been even harder to traverse than usual. Everyone except for Vitek slipped and fell multiple times, and even I, despite my famous grace and superb balance, was not spared from this.

“Vasil, I have a question,” I said, opening my satchel slightly. “What did you do before Kasia? I mean, what did you do during winter without something to keep you warm?”

“I would sit underwater,” he said. “I would find a place that appeared like it might not freeze entirely and sit on the bottom of a pond. Once there I would alternate meditating and thinking until winter passed.”

“Huh. Don’t you need to breathe? And what happens if it does freeze?”

“I do need to breathe, but I can breathe through my skin. I do not require much oxygen if I am stationary and under cold water. Of course since I am indestructible I do not actually die. I have experienced this before. First panic sets in, then I lose consciousness. Once the oxygen returns I awaken again. It is the same when I freeze.”

“That’s—” I tripped and slid on a slippery tree branch and stumbled, desperately flailing around to regain my balance. I accidentally swiped Bogumir with my foot and he was sent sliding into a frozen bush. Thankfully I managed to grab onto Vitek, who somehow didn’t seem affected by how impossibly slippery everything was.

“Only a lunatic would hide in the swamps,” I heard Bogumir say from a cluster of frozen leaves and branches.

“Yeah, yeah,” I waved him off with one hand, my other still firmly holding onto Vitek’s shirt. “At least it’s safe here. Safe-ish. If you disregard all the monsters and evil spirits and stuff. Maybe it’s not that safe. But you’ll love the cathedral. Maybe. If you can look past all the rotting wood and the holes and broken windows and plants everywhere. Then you’ll love it.”

Something cold touched my nose, causing me to look up. Tiny flecks of snow started floating down on us, and I was certain it wouldn’t take long until the entire swamp was painted white. And while it would make it easier on the eyes, it would not make it easier to traverse.

“Stop playing around in that bush,” I told Bogumir. “We should hurry on to the cathedral, it’s starting to snow. We’re almost there.”

“Playing?! You kicked me! Help me out of here, I’m stuck!”

“It was an accident! I slipped. I didn’t mean to!”

Kasia pulled Bogumir out of his predicament and held him close to her chest. She pulled the hood of her cloak further down and hopped over a fallen tree. Somehow, her balance was better than mine. She smiled at me and gave me a supportive nod.

“I don’t need you to carry me!” Bogumir said. “But thanks for doing it. I appreciate it. This place is hell.”

“You’ll get used to it,” I lied. This place sucked and I knew it. I’d never gotten used to it and probably never would. At least the smell was less when everything was frozen. Not gone, but less.

The snap of branches and the crack of ice made me jerk my head toward the sound. A huge monster that vaguely reminded me of a minotaur with long shaggy hair emerged from between two trees. It stood on two legs and wore a rotting cloak. One of its two gigantic horns scraped against a tree as it moved. It snapped its elongated jaw open and shut, making a rhythmic clattering sound.

As it advanced on us, I gave it a stern look. Its eyes widened when it saw me and it promptly turned around and power-walked off into the mist, its tail dragging behind it.

I managed to cast [Soul Index] just before it vanished.

[Turoń]

Status: Intimidated

“Hmm, never seen one of those before,” I said.

“That one’s early,” Vitek said. “They usually come out a bit later. You’ll see plenty more around in about a month.”

“Something to look out for? Are they dangerous?”

He shrugged. “They spread fertility and like to drink. They do tend to get a bit… impudent after drinking too much. If you stare at them too long they might attack you, but you can usually get rid of them with a bribe or singing them a song.”

“With a song? That doesn’t sound too dangerous.”

“Like I said, as long as you don’t stare at them you’re probably fine. Though I guess you’ll be fine regardless, seeing what just happened. Just know that when one of them pokes you with their horns you might be having twins the next time you try for a baby.”

“I what? What next time? I haven’t had any babies. You better stay close to me and have that song ready, Vitek! I’m not trying to have any babies, let alone twins!”

He slapped his accordion and laughed. “Don’t you worry, I always have a song ready.”

That he definitely did. It was at least part of the reason we’d been able to travel this fast. His songs provided powerful buffs, and while he was actively making music not only was our speed greatly enhanced, our stamina was basically unlimited. It even worked on Kasia, so apparently some things could affect the classless. Either way, Vitek had not just been good for that, his ever positive mood also helped with the time flying by.

As more snow came down, the world turned white and became even more slippery. More than once I slipped. It happened often enough that I was considering using one of my skill points to pick something that would allow me to be unaffected by terrain, if such a thing existed. And if not at least be unaffected by this slippery hell.

“You don’t like it either,” Bogumir said. “I can tell. You hate this swamp.”

I thought about lying again, but I just didn’t feel like it. “You’re right. This place might be even worse in the cold than in the heat. At least the frost has weakened the smell.”

“It can smell worse?” Bogumir scowled.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m afraid it can smell a lot worse. The heat really brings out the smell of death and decay that permeates this place. The native aroma of farts and rotting corpses. It’s quite something. You’re lucky everything is frozen. Oh yeah, and during the heat, the humidity is a killer. As are the mosquitos. And you will sink into every other patch of mud. And if the mud doesn’t get you the monsters will. You never know what’s lurking waiting to eat your brain or drag you down into the murky waters. Don’t even get me started on the fish here.”

The thought of eating swamp fish sent a sharp pain into my stomach. “Pray you’re never desperate enough to eat those things. They taste like how the mud here smells.”

“So why are we doing this again?”

“Just wait until you see the cathedral. You’ll understand. Your little dungeon delving heart will love it.”

“There’s a dungeon in there?”

“I have a feeling there are multiple. We just have to find a way to unlock the doors. I’m telling you Bogumir, you will love it.”

“Alright,” he said. “Now I’m curious. Do they have sea cucumbers?”

I stopped walking. “What? Why? Why would it? Sea cucumbers can be found at the bottom of the sea. We’re in the middle of a swamp.”

“I don’t know! You know how dungeons work. You never know what you find when you go inside. Could be anything.”

That reminded me of Vasil breathing through his skin. “Hey, Vasil,” I said. “When you’re on the bottom of the pond, and you feel like you’re not breathing enough air through your skin—”

“I can’t breathe through my butt,” he snapped.

“Well have you tried? Sea cucum—”

“I know sea cucumbers breathe through their butts. You have told us a thousand times.”

“Woah, what’s with the attitude? I was just—”

“Hecate, we know. We know! They breathe through their butts and sometimes a fish will swim inside of their butts.”

“A pearl fish,” I helpfully added.

“We know it’s a pearl fish!” Vasil said, exasperated.

“I just thought it was an interesting fact, that’s all,” I mumbled.

After that we walked on in silence. I didn’t feel like talking anymore, since they obviously didn’t appreciate fun animal facts. Who cares if I’d already mentioned them once or twice before? That didn’t make them any less fun!

After some time, the cathedral came in sight, but what I saw made me pause.

“Wh-what happened here?” I asked.