Chapter 296: Your Majesty Has No Morals, Only Punchlines

The downpour caused landslides in numerous areas, forcing Xiao Yang and her party to alter their route time and again.

Throughout their journey, they were either traveling or rescuing people.

By the end, even the once unflappable group was looking rather bedraggled.

‘Life’s tough,’ Her Majesty sighed.

‘I just wanted to take a little trip. How did it end up like this?’

For a solid month, it felt as if the heavens themselves were punishing her.

Every time they settled on a new direction, some mishap would occur. They were forced to change their route, ending up farther and farther from their intended path.

It wasn’t that they were in any real danger, but fate simply refused to give her a break.

It seemed determined to make her taste the hardships of the world outside the palace.

And it was succeeding. By now, Xiao Yang had lost all desire to travel. She just wanted to go back to the Imperial Palace.

People who get tired of staying home always dream of traveling. But after just a few days on the road, they start to miss the days of just lazing about at home.

Human beings are, to some extent, a little nuts.

“ARGH!”

Xiao Yang had been trapped in a small town for five days. It rained every day, and she felt like she was about to grow mold.

With the floods raging and landslides blocking the way, the townspeople didn’t dare venture out, and neither could she continue her journey.

Enjoying the view from a stilt house perched on the mountainside should have been a unique pleasure. However, with supply lines cut, she’d been eating nothing but old pumpkin and cold fish mint salad for five days straight.

BLEGH~~~

It wasn’t that she hated fish mint, but nobody should have to eat it for five consecutive days.

Of course, there was meat. The locals had poultry like chickens and ducks, and there was wild game in the mountains.

But in this blasted weather, who could even think about eating meat?

Xiao Yang draped herself over the windowsill, looking for all the world like a salted fish that had died with regrets.

“Your Majesty.”

Xu Xingchen sidled up and gently pulled her back from the window. In his arms, Her Majesty was soft and limp, as if boneless.

Xu Xingchen couldn’t help but chuckle. ‘Her Majesty is just too amusing like this.’

He placed a letter in Xiao Yang’s hand. “I’ve managed to make contact with the outside,” he said, “but the mountain roads are treacherous, and there are too many landslides. It won’t be easy for anyone to get in. Still, the rain has stopped for half a day now. It doesn’t look like it’ll start again, so we should be able to get moving soon.”

‘Xiao Yang knew he was right, but that didn’t change the fact that they were still stuck here, did it?’

That didn’t stop her from continuing to act like a deflated pancake.

Xu Xingchen didn’t mind one bit being a cushion for Her Majesty. Even doing nothing, just like this, felt blissful to him.

Rong Qing, who had gone to scout the path with some locals, returned with his face badly swollen. One of his eyes was puffed completely shut, and his cheek was slathered with a medicinal paste.

Apparently, he’d been stung by a mountain bee.

These mountain bees were highly venomous. Even with the special herbal remedy, the swelling would take days to subside.

Every time Xiao Yang looked at Rong Qing’s face, she burst out laughing.

「Two days later.」

The group finally left the small mountain village. As they were passing through a dense forest, a black speck suddenly shot towards Xiao Yang, stinging her right on the forehead.

“What was that?”

Xiao Yang instinctively swatted it away. Half an hour later, she looked in the mirror and saw her face, swollen up like a steamed bun.

Xiao Yang: “…”

‘This is karma, pure and simple!’

The medicinal paste only made it look worse. Xiao Yang herself was torn between anger and laughter. The guards, however, didn’t dare to laugh. The only one who might have, Xiao Hong, was silenced by a single threatening glare from Xiao Ziling, his amusement instantly turning to feigned sorrow.

Rong Qing, despite having been Her Majesty’s laughingstock for two days, held no grudge. Seeing her stung, he felt not a shred of amusement, only sympathy.

As for Xu Xingchen…

What was that saying? ‘When a child goes quiet, they’re surely up to mischief.’

Just as Xiao Yang was starting to recover from the trauma of her face turning into a giant puffy bun, Xu Xingchen returned. He had run off, caught a mountain bee, and deliberately let it sting him in the face.

Xiao Yang could only watch, dumbfounded, as his face swelled up into a pink bun right before her eyes.

“Hahahahaha…”

“Hahahaha…”

The Empress was utterly shameless, finding humor in everything.

Now that two of them were swollen, Xiao Yang turned her gaze upon Xiao Hong.

The blatantly malicious look sent a shiver down Xiao Hong’s spine.

“Your Majesty…”

‘I don’t want to look like that! I need this face to keep my wife happy!’

Her Majesty snorted coldly. His wife had already captured a mountain bee.

Xiao Hong was reluctant, but he didn’t dare to refuse.

And so, three faces as swollen as pig heads emerged.

The three of them looked at each other’s swollen faces, then slowly turned away in unison.

Xiao Cheng: “…”

Xiao Cheng turned to look as well. Behind him… there was no one.

Another victim was claimed.

Xiao Ziling wanted to join them in their misery, but Xiao Yang stopped her.

‘Men are tough,’ she reasoned, ‘but a girl should stay pretty.’

One of the most frustrating things about the world is that your worst fears always have a way of coming true.

It’s like how it always rains when you’re dressed to the nines, and you always run into someone you know when you look your absolute worst.

“Is that… Your Majesty?”

Xiao Yang’s neck went rigid as a steel bar. She would rather die than turn her head.

‘Your Majesty? What Your Majesty? I don’t know any Your Majesty!’

‘I can’t hear anything!!!’

Xiao Yang scurried away, leaving Gu Sheng standing there, questioning his own sanity.

Gu Sheng was the governor of Southern Domain Kunzhou. Due to the recent incessant rains, many areas had been struck by floods and landslides. He had come personally to this small town to inspect the disaster relief efforts.

As he was walking down the street, he suddenly spotted a figure approaching.

Even though the person wore a veil, he had a photographic memory and a keen intuition.

Years had passed, but he was certain he couldn’t be mistaken.

‘But what would Her Majesty be doing in a small place like this?’

He began to wonder if he was hallucinating.

“Sir…”

Someone called out to him. Gu Sheng put his thoughts aside for the moment and went to attend to his official duties.

Around noon, Gu Sheng went to a restaurant with several other officials for a meal. And there, as fate would have it, he saw Li Wei.

Great General Li!!!

Gu Sheng refused to believe that a perfect doppelgänger for Li Wei existed in this world, especially one who happened to be accompanying someone who looked just like Her Majesty.

Gu Sheng didn’t draw attention to them. After a moment’s hesitation, he decided to approach Her Majesty alone and see if she had any instructions for him.

The other guards were eating and resting outside, while Xiao Yang and the others were dining in a private room.

Gu Sheng’s timing was almost comically perfect. It just so happened that no guards were around. It just so happened that a waiter opened the door to their room to serve a dish. And it just so happened that at that exact moment, he looked up.

!!!!

He froze, his pupils shrinking to pinpricks.

Of course, he wasn’t the only one who was shocked.

The instant the occupants of the room spotted him, Xiao Ziling and Xiao Cheng sprang into action, grabbing him and dragging him inside.

Caught completely off guard, Gu Sheng was slammed to the floor like a lamb to the slaughter.

Staring at the collection of massive, swollen faces before him, Gu Sheng was utterly terrified.

‘What in the world is going on?’

“Your… Your Majesty… what happened?”

SCRAPE!

Xiao Yang drew a dagger and scraped it twice against the rim of her bowl with a shrill ‘SCRAPE! SCRAPE!’. Then, she slowly raised her head to look at Gu Sheng, her eyes filled with the chilling indifference one reserves for a dead man.

“Since you’ve discovered my secret, I can’t possibly let you live.”

“Xiao Hong, kill him for me!”

Xiao Hong took the dagger, looking fiercely at Gu Sheng.

Gu Sheng was pinned down tightly, unable to resist, and could only watch helplessly as the dagger in Xiao Hong’s hand fell…

…only to have the handle of the dagger rap sharply against his neck.

“…”

‘This level of insanity… yup, that’s definitely Her Majesty.’