Chapter 40: Hah, Goblins

Kramo had no way back now.

All around him lay the sacred remains of his fallen kobold warriors. He stood among their bodies, alone, and before him stretched the vast and mighty goblin army.

Kramo cast his gaze across them and tried to count at a glance: one, two, three, four... screw it. Goblins past the horizon in every direction!

Kramo gripped his iron hammer tight. He would NOT fall today — because the ones dying would be these vile, runty, cowardly goblins!

Kramo bellowed at the encircling goblins. He watched them split into formation — chatting, laughing, the formation sloppy as could be. But that's goblins for you: stupid, bottom-feeding creatures!

Then, from within the goblin mass, the goblin with 【OldMacDonald】 floating over his head shouted at the top of his lungs:

"Pulling! Everybody ready! 1, 2, 3! BASTARDS!"

And the goblin horde came charging at Kramo.

Kramo couldn't understand a word the green-texted goblin was yelling — but that final syllable, he caught. Words of praise for him, no doubt.

Kramo resolved to grant this goblin a quick and merciful end. He charged, whipped the hammer up, and swung it down with every ounce of strength in his body, a great 【WHOOSH】 — and with a CRUNCH, smashed the 【OldMacDonald】 goblin, body and shield alike, into pixelated mush.

(A word on the mush: the dungeon core rendered every player death — for locals and players alike — as a tidy burst of square light motes, in place of anything anyone would actually have to mop up. The players called it 'pixelating.' The locals called it 'the boss being decent about it.' Nobody argued with the filter.)

"Whoa, he legit didn't survive a single hit. Straight-up one-shot!"

"Next tank, get in there and die!"

"Nobody panic! We literally just pulled! Stick to the plan!"

The goblins erupted into chaotic squabbling again, and Kramo was starting to get ticked off — all that buzzing goblin chatter was grating on him something fierce.

Then Kramo felt a poke at his knee.

He looked down to see a crouched-over goblin with 【BurningChestHair】 over his head, mid-stab into his kneecap. The scales covering Kramo's knee kept the damage negligible. He whipped around to hammer the 【BurningChestHair】 flat — but the goblin had already rolled backward in the single ugliest posture imaginable, landed flat on his back, and scrambled off on all fours, graceless beyond words, out of attack range.

"Damn it! Thank god for my catlike reflexes! The BOSS glared at me for a second there and I thought I was dead!"

So hollered the 【BurningChestHair】 in question.

This text was reproduced from www. without the author's consent; their publication on NovelPhoenix supports their writing.

Kramo was so baffled by the goblin's rolling maneuver that he entirely failed to notice another one creep up behind him and stab him right in the back of the knee.

Kramo spun around: the goblin behind him, 【xX_ShadowBlade_Xx】 on a green name-tag overhead, was busy copying the 【BurningChestHair】 floor-roll. Kramo did not blank out this time — zero hesitation, hammer up, 【WHOOSH】, down — and 【xX_ShadowBlade_Xx】 got hammered straight into pixelated mush as well.

"Raid leader's dead! Shot-caller's down!"

"Holy hell, that is a BRUTAL way to go."

"LMAO, what even is this. Boss fight just started and our commander's already dead."

"This is just what pushing hard content looks like — nobody panic, we can keep going! Anyone not in the fight, come haul the corpses back so they can resurrect and corpse-run over here. MOVE!"

"Hurry up! Rotate the BOSS! Pull him to a new spot! How are we supposed to drag bodies like this!"

The goblins kept buzzing nonstop, rattling Kramo's brain. Then the whole mob began shifting fast toward the far side, and Kramo figured they were probably trying to flee.

Hah, goblins. What a disgrace!

As if Kramo would let a pack of honorless cowards escape. He grabbed his hammer and gave chase immediately — he was far faster than the goblins, flattening them left and right as he ran, and in no time the whole brawl had relocated to the far side of the Spider Nest entrance.

The goblins stopped and re-formed, and another goblin came shield-first, "Waaaaa!"-ing up at him. Kramo raised the hammer and smashed down — and mid-swing felt another stab in his back. He turned: 【BurningChestHair】 AGAIN. The goblin had landed his hit and was already rolling clear in the most hideous motion known to locomotion, out of Kramo's attack range. And then it registered on Kramo: the constant, creeping sensation of being attacked from every side at once.

Kramo bellowed in frustration. Right on cue, another shield-goblin lunged at him from the front. Kramo funneled every scrap of pent-up aggravation into the hammer and brought it down HARD — the goblin got out not so much as a squeak before the blow permanently ended his ability to produce sound.

Fresh off that kill, Kramo saw a shape flicker past — somebody had ducked clean under his arm and slashed him across the knee. That one hurt like hell, and out came another roar.

"I swear that last hit was a straight-up crit. I am genuinely such a badass."

said the 【BurningChestHair】 in question, coated head to toe in roll-dust, insufferably smug.

More goblins darted in from the flanks, shields up, fishing for Kramo's attention — but Kramo had eyes only for the goblin with that long green string 【BurningChestHair】 over his head. That vile goblin!

Hammer in hand, Kramo charged the 【BurningChestHair】, caring about absolutely nobody else in his path.

"Damn! I ripped aggro!"

"ChestHair, RUN! He's on you!"

"Somebody taunt! NOW!"

"Bastards! Bastards!"

"Damn it!"

The green-tagged goblins swarmed around Kramo screaming their heads off, some even leaping up to chop down at his knees — but Kramo was beyond caring. He bulldozed the whole pack of them over and charged, hammer in hand, straight for the 【BurningChestHair】.

The 【BurningChestHair】 turned and booked it — but who was he kidding? Outrun Kramo?

Weathering the goblins' frenzied attacks from every flank, Kramo closed the gap in a couple of strides, snatched the 【BurningChestHair】 up by the throat one-handed, hoisted him into the air, and started slamming him into the ground.

Ten-some slams later, Kramo finally felt the rage drain out of him. Ahh. Satisfying.

"Damn... is that a BOSS mechanic? Or did he just enrage?"

"No idea — who cares, just DPS him NOW!"

The player mob swarmed in around Kramo and went absolutely ham on him.

Kramo swept the hammer in a full circle, and every greedy little damage-dealer went flying on the spot. The ones who didn't die outright were good and crippled.

Kramo roared — and a mouthful of fresh blood sprayed out. At some point a short sword had ended up lodged in his kidney, courtesy of the goblin with 【Arthur】 tagged over his head, who'd rushed in during the hammer sweep and driven the blade up through a gap at his armor's waist.

The surrounding players' spirits shot through the roof. Weapons raised, battle cries ringing out, they surged at Kramo.

A dark premonition settled over Kramo. Watching the goblins multiply around him, he had a feeling today might be the day he settled his accounts. But death didn't scare him — what scared him was his two clutches of eggs going uncared for. Then he thought of his kinfolk still safe in the depths of the Spider Nest, and Kramo trusted his kobold people to look after themselves just fine — and his children!

Kobolds know no fear!

Kramo heaved his iron hammer high, let loose one final roar, swung, and brought the hammer crashing down on the goblins.

Hah — come, foolish goblins. To the death!