Extra: SAY AHHHH!

Despite Mordecai having picked up the fork with his left hand, he was unable to eat. He was too right-handed to roll the spaghetti, so he gave up with a 'painful' sigh.

Meanwhile, Egel picked up her first slice of pizza (already cut, obviously) with her free hand, folded it with absolutely no idea what she was doing, and took a bite.

The accordion stopped mid-note, and, for some reason, even the restaurant seemed to be waiting for her reaction.

Egel's eyes widened, then slowly closed. Her shoulders relaxed, and she sank back into her chair with a trembling sigh.

After surviving a village invasion, years of training that had apparently made her bones bleed, and two thousand years of cultivation crammed into fifteen minutes, she'd finally discovered something worth living for.

"Kaitoyama," she whispered. "This flavor... It's the closest thing to heaven I've ever tasted."

Mordecai, who had started trying to eat spaghetti with his left hand again while his right remained a hostage, immediately recognized the tone.

'Oh, no.'

He'd heard it in far too many cooking anime.

[FOODGASM PACKAGE DETECTED. DEPLOYING.]

"System," he muttered, "don't you dare."

[Golden lighting: enabled.]

[Indoor wind effects: enabled.]

[Rolling wheat field background: enabled.]

[Italian grandmother appearing in the clouds to offer her blessing: enabled.]

Before Mordecai could protest, a golden glow surrounded Egel. Her red hair began fluttering in a breeze that had no business being in a closed restaurant, while the checkered wall behind her dissolved into an endless wheat field.

High above the field, a gigantic, translucent Italian grandmother appeared among the clouds.

She wore an apron, and she smiled very warmly. Then she gave Egel a slow, approving thumbs-up.

A tear rolled down Egel's cheek as she took another bite, completely unaware that she was now the protagonist of a cooking anime.

Mordecai watched the show with growing suspicion.

'Is the clothing explosion module included?'

[...It was.]

'Remove it.'

[You are no fun.]

'Remove it.'

[Fine. Replacing it with sparkles.]

Golden sparkles began drifting around Egel as she chewed, occasionally sighing with the blissful expression of someone who'd just discovered the meaning of existence.

All this over a pizza Margherita.

Meanwhile, Mordecai had finally managed to twirl a miserable little strand of spaghetti around his fork. He raised it toward his mouth with the concentration of a bomb disposal technician.

'Almost there... Just a little closer.'

But Egel reached for another slice and, unfortunately, tugged at his right hand.

The spaghetti slipped off his fork and landed back on the plate.

Plop.

Mordecai stared at it with pain in his eyes. Only after a few long instants did he put the fork down.

He waited until Egel finished her second slice.

She looked so happy that he almost felt guilty about interrupting. After everything she'd told him about her past, he wasn't particularly eager to spoil the evening over something as trivial as holding hands.

Unfortunately, his spaghetti was getting cold.

"Egel," he said gently, "could you let go of my hand for a moment? I'd like to eat too."

The effect was immediate: her sparkles went out, the wheat field behind her began to wither, and the grandmother in the clouds clutched her chest as though she'd just received devastating news from the family doctor.

Egel looked down at their joined hands, then at Mordecai.

Her expression reminded him of a puppy discovering that its owner had canceled their afternoon walk.

'Oh, come on. Don't look at me like that.'

"Just for a little while," he added. "Please?"

Egel lowered her gaze. "You could... use my other hand."

Mordecai blinked. "What?"

"My other hand is free. You could hold that one instead. As long as..." She hesitated, cheeks growing pink. "As long as you don't mind."

Her grip tightened, and Mordecai felt several bones in his right hand reconsider their career choices.

Before he could explain that holding both her hands would make eating considerably more difficult, Egel reached across the table with her free hand and gently took the fork from his left.

"Hey, wait..." She examined it, then looked at his spaghetti.

In that moment, a golden notification burst into existence above the table.

[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: GIRLFRIEND EGEL HAS UNLOCKED A NEW SKILL!]

[Nonna's Blessing: Perfect Twirl (Passive, SSS)]

[She can now instinctively understand how to eat any dish from any culture, regardless of time period.]

[She has never met a nonna. The skill does not care.]

Egel blinked at the window.

"Oh? What is this, Kaitoyama? I feel... different..." Egel said.

'What...? Did she really see the system window too?'

Then Egel picked up a little spaghetti and began to rotate the fork. Her wrist moved with such precise control that Mordecai briefly wondered whether she'd spent the past twenty years studying under a retired Italian grandmother.

In three seconds, she'd produced a perfect little nest of pasta without a single strand hanging loose.

She admired her work for an instant, and then raised the fork toward him.

"Kaitoyama..."

Mordecai's stomach sank.

"Say aaaah," Egel said, smiling with her eyes closed.

'System.' Mordecai was already screaming internally, cursing every god of that world.

[Yes?]

'No.'

[No... what?]

'Whatever you're planning, cancel it. Immediately.'

[Sorry, but the Higher Realms have already paid 5,000 Soul Coins for this scene.]

'I'll pay you back. Double. I promise that I'll do that necromancy using those cursed heroic black lace panties.'

[Payment was made in advance. The contract is binding.]

'What contract?!'

[The Terms and Conditions. Have you read them?]

'I WROTE THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS!'

[Then you really should have read them.]

A small gray window opened in the upper corner of his vision.

[CRINGE METER: 40%]

Mordecai stared at it.

'What the hell is a Cringe Meter?' He asked the Higher Realms, but he never received an answer.

Instead, his body had already begun moving without his permission.

His head tilted forward, his mouth opened, and from somewhere inside his own throat came a soft, perfectly obedient:

"Aaaah."

'I DID NOT SAY THAT.'

Egel's face turned bright red.

For a moment, she looked as though she might faint. Then she carefully brought the fork to his mouth, guiding it between his lips with the tenderness of a woman handling an exceptionally fragile treasure.

The spaghetti tasted wonderful.

Garlic, olive oil, a little heat from the chili. Exactly what he'd wanted when he ordered it.

'Damn it.' He chewed. 'That's actually good.'

Egel watched him swallow, her cheeks getting redder by the second.

Then tiny puffs of steam began escaping from her ears.

Mordecai stared.

'Are we really doing this?'

[HIGHER REALMS LIVE CHAT]

Gooner_King: AAAAAAAHHHHH

Dibbs57: this is peak. This is the whole novel.

Pyroas_Protector: ok but who paid for this?! WHY IS THE BEST GIRL GETTING NTR'D!?

LUKAS_THE_GREAT: I DID, 500 COINS, WORTH EVERY ONE

The fanservice scene should have ended there, but unfortunately, Egel still had the fork.

Pleased with herself, she twirled another little nest of spaghetti. She was about to offer it to Mordecai when curiosity got the better of her.

The muscle mommy glanced at the pasta, hesitated, then took a tiny bite herself, just to taste it.

She chewed thoughtfully.

'Oh. That's delicious too.' She thought, but then her eyes drifted toward the fork. The same fork. The one she'd just used to feed Kaitoyama. The one that had been inside his mouth less than ten seconds earlier.

Her chewing slowed as realization came in. "Wait..." Her eyes widened. "Does that mean...?"

An indirect kiss. She'd just had an indirect kiss with her beloved Kaitoyama.

"Oh."

The word came out barely louder than a breath.

Mordecai saw her expression change and immediately knew what was coming.

'Of course.'

The indirect kiss.

One of the oldest clichés in romantic comedy. Usually introduced around episode six, accompanied by a dramatic zoom, an impossibly loud heartbeat, and at least one character forgetting how to breathe, followed by an intense blush and a totally random slap. Because violence is entertaining, right?

And now he was living through it.

'I've become a walking romance anime. Wonderful.' He sighed internally. 'I hate having a brain. I hate being self-aware of my surroundings.'

Then, Egel's face turned crimson, and a pulse of blue light erupted from her body.

The candle between them flickered violently, its orange flame turning bright blue. A glass on a nearby table cracked, the floor trembled, and somewhere in the kitchen a pot lid began rattling.

"MAMMA MIA!" Someone shouted from the kitchen.

Mordecai looked at the candle, and then at Egel.

'Oh, for fuck's sake.'

Her divine Chi was leaking again.

Apparently, two thousand years of cultivation had given her enough power to destroy a mountain, but nowhere near enough emotional control to survive sharing cutlery with a man she liked.

Then, after some long instants, the wheat field behind her flickered back into existence.

Even the grandmother in the clouds looked concerned.

"Egel," Mordecai said carefully. "Your Chi."

"I'M FINE!" Her voice cracked so badly it nearly became a whistle. She immediately tried to suppress her aura, forcing the blue energy back inside her body, but, unfortunately, she also tightened her grip on his hand.

"Hnnngh!"

Mordecai made a noise like a kettle reaching boiling point.

[CRINGE METER: 55%]

Then the blue light disappeared, and the candle returned to normal, although it now leaned slightly to one side. Egel took a deep breath, struggling to bring her heartbeat under control.

"I-I'm sorry," she whispered. "I got a little excited."

"A little?"

She lowered her head.

Mordecai looked at his hand, wondering whether the bones inside it were still arranged in the correct order.

"It's fine," he managed. "Just... try not to blow up the restaurant."

Egel nodded vigorously. "Right!"

She took another deep breath, and then, with the determination of a warrior preparing for her final battle, she picked up the fork again.

Mordecai watched her twirl another portion of spaghetti.

'Stop this madness...'

"Kaitoyama."

'Fuck me.'

"Say aaaah."

"Egel, listen. I appreciate the gesture, but I can feed myse—"

The fork shot forward, and Mordecai barely had time to open his mouth.

WHOOSH!

The spaghetti arrived with the speed and accuracy of a military projectile. He caught it between his lips on instinct.

"Mmph!"

Egel beamed.

"Good!"

'GOOD?!'

Before he could recover, she was already preparing another forkful.

This was no longer the shy, hesitant woman who'd asked permission to hold his hand. This was the warrior who used to kick hay bales across fields and had once punched the Great Sage Equal to Heaven in the chest.

And she'd apparently decided that feeding him spaghetti was a competitive sport.

[CRINGE METER: 70%]

"Aaaah!"

"Egel, wai—"

Another forkful.

"Mmph!"

"Aaaah!"

"I'm still chew—"

"AAAAH!"

Mordecai had faced monsters, lawyer ghosts, demons, fanservice, and the occasional deeply incompetent writer of this world, but none of them had ever attacked him with pasta.

Egel kept twirling and feeding, alternating between blushing furiously and smiling with almost frightening enthusiasm. Her left hand remained wrapped around his right, making retreat impossible.

The plate emptied at a rate that would have impressed a professional competitive eater.

[CRINGE METER: 85%]

[HIGHER REALMS LIVE CHAT]

Dibbs57: KEEP GOING

LUKAS_THE_GREAT: HE'S SO CONFUSED. THIS IS ART.

Gooner_King: FEED THE BOSS FEED THE BOSS FEED THE BOSS. I WAITED AN ENTIRE BOOK FOR THIS SCENE!

Power_Scaler99: I'm unsubscribing. no I'm not.

Un_Forastero: @Power_Scaler99 fuck you

[CRINGE METER: 94%]

[WARNING: At 100%, you will receive the debuff Cringe Overload.]

[Effects: Involuntary blushing, temporary loss of speech, and an overwhelming desire to crawl into a hole.]

[Duration: Until you forget this experience.]

[Estimated duration: Forever.]

At last, Egel lowered the fork and kept holding Mordecai's hand.

Our beloved fake necromancer stared at his empty plate. He'd wanted spaghetti, and he'd gotten it.

Technically, the evening had been a success. Technically.

'I am never ordering pasta again.'

"Ahem." A polite cough came from beside their table.

The owner stood there with his hands clasped over his apron, smiling so broadly that Mordecai feared his mustache might detach itself.

He glanced at Egel, then at Mordecai, then at their still-joined hands, and his smile widened.

"Che bella coppietta!" he said warmly. "Volete un dolce per finire in dolcezza?"

[Subtitles: What a lovely couple! Would you like a dessert to end on a sweet note?]

Without waiting for an answer, he raised a finger and began listing his offerings.

"Abbiamo ricotta e pera. Cheesecake. Sfogliatella. Red velvet. E una caprese."

[Subtitles: We have ricotta and pear. Cheesecake. Sfogliatella. Red velvet. And a caprese.]

Mordecai stared at him.

'Red velvet?' He looked around the restaurant. 'Where the hell am I?'

An Italian trattoria in a fantasy world with zombies working as fruit sellers was serving red velvet cake alongside sfogliatella, and nobody seemed to find that remotely strange.

'At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the chef came out carrying a Big Mac.'

"No, la ringrazio," he replied politely.

[Subtitles: No, thank you.]

The owner nodded and turned to Egel.

"Signorina?"

She didn't answer. In fact, Mordecai doubted she was even aware of his existence anymore.

Egel sat with her free hand pressed against her cheek, smiling dreamily at the tablecloth.

Her thoughts had become remarkably simple.

'I kissed Kaitoyama.'

Her blush deepened.

'I kissed Kaitoyama.'

She suppressed a delighted little squeak.

'I kissed Kaitoyama!'

The owner looked at her, then at Mordecai, and then back at their hands.

His mustache twitched.

"Mamma mia," he murmured, with all the understanding of a man who'd witnessed a thousand first dates.

He returned to the register and prepared the bill.

A moment later, he placed a little slip of paper on the table.

"Il conto, signore."

[Subtitles: The bill, sir.]

Mordecai glanced at it.

"Sono due monete d'oro."

[Subtitles: It's two gold coins.]

He blinked.

'Two gold coins? For a pizza, spaghetti, bread, and enough special effects to bankrupt a small animation studio?That's suspiciously reasonable.'

"Ah," Mordecai said. "Però, costa poco."

[Subtitles: Ah. That's cheap, though.]

He reached into his coat with his free hand and took out three AI-generated gold coins, placing them on the little plate.

"Tenga pure il resto."

[Subtitles: Keep the change.]

The owner looked at the coins, and his eyes widened.

Then he pressed both hands to his chest and bowed so deeply that Mordecai briefly worried the man might topple forward.

"Grazie mille! Buona serata, ragazzi!"

[Subtitles: Thank you so much! Have a lovely evening, kids!]

Mordecai nodded, while Egel continued smiling at absolutely nothing...

'Time to go back to the fort, I guess...'