Chapter 2391 - 2226: Still Waiting

Chapter 2391: Chapter 2226: Still Waiting

How agonizing is it for someone who’s fallen in love?

"None of you can begin to imagine what it was like, that last time I held him in my arms. I took advantage of that moment when the night grew so unbearably dark, and I remembered what it felt like to cradle him against my chest. Those memories from back then are something I hardly dare to touch; once I touch them, all I can do is silently endure the pain buried deep in my heart. When I held his hand, I never wanted to let go, yet I still let go in the end, because I knew that one day I would have no choice—on that final day, I would still be forced to choose to release his hand. In my world, what I wanted was for him to have a calm and steady life, but that kind of love was far, far beyond my reach, and I was incapable of giving it."

Now everyone regrets their past. Each of us can clearly see what kind of hurt we once brought upon our own family.

If the path I chose back then had been the right one, it wouldn’t have led any member of my family to such an ending. None of this would have happened, and the road afterward would not have been so hard to walk. If every mistake, time after time, was caused entirely by me, then for the rest of my life there is simply no way I can forgive the wrongs I once committed. Watching the people closest to me being hurt by me again and again, torn apart by my own hands, covered in wounds from head to toe—that feeling makes me see myself as a complete failure. Yet none of this is something I can rewind or undo. All I ever wanted was the most ordinary kind of life, and that is precisely the kind of life I can no longer offer for the rest of my days.

If I hadn’t chosen to treat every person in my family in that way back then, would the ending now be completely different? Watching my son suffer so unbearably he wishes he were dead, watching the people around me change step by step into what they’ve become today, I regret it—I regret everything I’ve done, I regret the sorrow and agony I brought upon them, I regret the lifetime scars I carved into them again and again that will never be erased.

"I’m sorry. If back then I hadn’t chosen to act like that, if back then I had lived openly and honestly, if back then I hadn’t indulged in those wild fantasies of chasing after my so?called freedom and love, I wouldn’t have left you. If we hadn’t been so selfish, barging into your life time after time, disrupting every decision you made, he wouldn’t have left either, and he wouldn’t have become what he is now. In truth, all of this is the outcome of my own mistakes. I have no reason, and even less any right, to blame anyone else. I should spend more time thinking about the wrongs I once committed, more time thinking about how I ought to live the rest of my life."

Never in their lives have Mom and Dad been as clear?headed as they are at this very moment, never have they regretted each decision they once made as much as they do right now. Do you know? When every one of those decisions was made, I was terrified. What I hoped for was so simple. I wished all of this was just a dream, a brief blaze of splendor that would vanish.

When I was your age, I watched my own love walk away before my very eyes. I watched everything I had once most desperately hoped to obtain disappear completely.

Heaven has finally been fair for once: the pain I once inflicted on others has now fallen squarely upon me. If this could have happened earlier, how much better it would have been. I wouldn’t have become what I am now, wouldn’t have been hurt over and over, and wouldn’t have gone on to hurt other people again and again.

Right from the start I knew that the moment I chose to hurt others time and time again, there would come a day when I would be hurt by others in turn. I just never imagined that day would arrive so soon, never imagined that the wound of that day, though inflicted by my own hands, would be so devastating. Looking at my shattered family, how could I possibly live out my days with any sense of peace? I had thought I could be cold?blooded, that I could stop caring about anything that had to do with you.

Only when everything came crashing down on me did I finally realize: I don’t have a head big enough to bear all of this, I have no way to pretend none of it ever happened. The life I longed for has always been soaked in grief; in this lifetime, there is no road I can take that will lead me away from it.

How I wish time could pause for a moment to match my stumbling steps, slow down, give me a little more chance, instead of just driving me toward old age. How I wish it wouldn’t let me drift away with the wind before I’ve had the chance to truly make amends for the mistakes of my past.

Now I finally understand why you hated me so much back then, hated me down to the marrow. You wished I could die right there in front of you. Now I finally understand what it was that turned you into that person, and what it was that dealt you such a crushing blow. Every single mistake was mine. I did everything wrong. I hurt you. I wish time could stop for a while, let me gently soothe your wounds, let me use my love to dissolve every bit of unhappiness between us. But time has already passed, and these things keep happening to our family again and again. Perhaps it really is impossible for us to ever return to those happy days we once had. I watched you grow up from the time you were small, yet I never truly stayed by your side. That feeling, deep down, wounds me terribly. To stare at my own flesh and blood in front of me yet be unable to embrace you, unable to acknowledge you, only able to quietly watch from afar, standing there in a daze—when I look back on all of this now, I can hardly believe how I managed to suppress that impulse back then, that wild urge to rush forward and hold you tight.

The moment I chose to step toward that bright, distant place, I knew the path of my journey was already fixed; you knew, too, what kind of fate my life was heading toward. When dreams descended upon me again and again, I couldn’t help it—I was afraid, and all I wanted was to make myself brave, to keep charging forward without ever seeing an end to the unveiling, to keep moving toward the goal I was so certain of. But I forgot that this was never a path that truly belonged to me. I am no longer young and hot?blooded, so why did I still have to commit those unforgivable mistakes time after time, making everyone around me suffer because of me?

I don’t know who will come to defeat that final darkness. I don’t know what exactly we should do with the time we still have. I only know what kind of road I ought to take, and yet even now I am still lost. I don’t know whether the path I’m walking is right or wrong. I’ve seen too many stories of joy and sorrow, of meetings and partings. I know I have committed sins that cannot be forgiven, and I have already paid a price. I can only hope it ends here, and that no more innocent people will be dragged into harm by anything that happens. I believe that as long as we work together, we will surely be able to find it back..."

My heart once pounding with infatuation, I flew like a moth to the flame—yet in your world, I never became a love you’d remember for a lifetime.