⁠[37] 50 Sanity

Cold. Bare.

Something pressed against my skin from every direction, dense enough that even breathing felt unnecessary.

My arms floated somewhere away from me. So did my legs. I tried moving a finger and felt resistance answer it, slow and soft.

For a while, that was all there was. No pain nor weight. No reason to move. My eyes opened eventually, or perhaps they had already been open.

Murky teal surrounded me, dark enough that distance became meaningless. Tiny particles drifted past my face, catching what little light reached this far down. My hair moved with them. When I turned my head, my body followed a moment later, suspended in whatever held me.

I was underwater.

Nothing covered me. My body was simply there, pale beneath the dim light, without so much as a scratch where I remembered there should have been pain. The thought of feeling that pain quickly passed, because in here, everything no longer held meaning.

Behind me—Darkness.

It stretched farther than I could see, swallowing the colour until even the teal disappeared.

Above me was the light. A distant surface shimmered high overhead, morning breaking across it in wavering sheets of white and gold. I could see the underside of another world through it, distorted whenever the water moved.

I let myself drift between these boundaries.

The cold held me gently. It was comfortable here. My arms loosened beside me as I held that thought inside.

...Then something glowed in the distance.

Red. Very faint. I stared at it through the murk.

Another appeared beside it, before they grew in number; scattered pinpricks of red slowly emerging from the darkness.

Entranced by the presence of another, I moved towards them. One lazy motion of my arm carried me slightly closer, and the nearest pair brightened through the water.

Two lights. Side by side.

Something pale gradually formed around them. A forehead. A nose. A mouth hanging open. The red lights blinked. They were a person's eyes. The thing drifted closer, the skin on one cheek already peeling away.

Behind it, dozens more opened their eyes.

...Zombies.

I hurriedly twisted my languid body towards the surface and kicked upwards.

The calm disappeared.

Light trembled above me, impossibly distant now, while something moved through the water behind me.

Then, from somewhere beyond that shimmering surface—

"Jun..."

I stopped for half a heartbeat.

A woman's voice.

So faint I could barely recognise it.

"Don't go... Jun."

I knew that voice.

Before I could place it, another fragment reached me.

"Live on for our sakes, okay? ...Boyfriend."

My chest tightened, yet I couldn't remember why. The water seemed to strip away names and places before I could hold onto them, leaving only the warmth that came with hearing her again.

I kicked harder. The surface grew brighter.

More voices began slipping through.

"Doctor..."

Another.

"Doctor, come back."

"Don't leave us..."

Some I recognised immediately. Others overlapped before I could place them, dozens of voices bleeding together through the water.

Above that shimmering boundary, shapes appeared. People. They stood somewhere beyond the surface, where the morning light made it impossible to see them clearly. Faces blurred into white. Hair, clothes, bodies; nothing remained still long enough to recognise. Yet arms stretched down towards me.

Some were waving. Some were reaching. I thought they were smiling. For some reason, I knew they were.

My hand reached up. The distance between us shortened.

Just a little more—

Something closed around my ankle.

...?

I looked down.

A hand. Pale fingers dug into my skin.

Another caught my other leg. Then my waist.

The red lights had surrounded me.

I kicked wildly, but the first zombie only opened its mouth beneath me. No bubbles escaped. No sound. Its jaw simply worked as another corpse wrapped both arms around my leg.

More hands came from the darkness.

I clawed upwards.

No.

The surface had been so close.

No, no—

I kicked one of them in the face. Its head twisted sideways, but its grip remained. Another caught my wrist. Fingernails sank into my arm.

They pulled.

The morning light began drifting away.

Faces passed through the murk beneath me. Not all of them were strangers anymore. A girl stared back with those same glowing eyes.

"..."

Her hair floated around her face. The wound I remembered was gone. She looked almost peaceful, except for the red burning beneath her pupils.

Another body drifted beside her.

A soldier. Then another familiar face. A man I'd watched disappear beneath a mass of infected. A woman I hadn't reached in time. And a girl holding a teddy bear, much younger than the rest... with eyes like mine. These people blurred together with the dead. Their hands clung tightly to me, as if they wanted me to join them deep below.

My movements became frantic.

The surface trembled overhead.

I stretched my free hand towards that light, desperate to leave, but someone caught that too.

...My strength was disappearing.

The strange peace from before had become terrifying now. My body was growing heavy. Every movement carried less force than the last.

The darkness below waited.

Perhaps... this was inevitable. This was what awaited every living being. A return to nothingness.

My eyes began to close—

"Ma... ....er!"

My body reacted violently to that fragmented voice.

Something broke through the surface, a shape plunging into the water.

Blue streamed behind it. The figure cut through the water with frantic strokes, descending straight into the swarm beneath me. Long blue hair spread behind her. Animal ears flattened against her head. Black fabric. Frills. Ribbons. A maid outfit.

Even while drowning, some part of me still questioned that impossible sight.

But somehow, that ridiculousness was reassuring. The closer she came, the clearer her face became. Unlike everyone waiting beyond the surface, hers didn't blur.

Her eyes were a glowing hue of red and blue.

Bared teeth. Panic.

"...Yoru," I muttered, a small trail of bubbles slipping from my lips and drifting towards the light above.

Then the water carried her voice in return.

"Master...!"

She reached towards me.

I reached for her.

Our fingers almost touched—

"MASTER!"

I sucked in air.

My body jerked violently upright as pain tore through my side.

"—Gh...! Wha-h-hey!"

Something immediately forced me back down.

"Master! Master!"

Blue hair filled my vision. Two cyan eyes stared down at me, wide and wet, while her hands pressed hard against my shoulders.

I gasped again, my heart hammering against my ribs.

"...Yoru..."

What... just happened? No... I was at the... I... Yoru...

"Master... you're okay...!"

She dropped against me as I tried to recollect my memories.

"O-Ow—Yoru...!"

"S-Sorry, Master!"

Yoru immediately let go and pushed herself upright. Her hands hovered over me instead, uncertain where they were allowed to touch now.

"...Hurts?"

"A little... sorry for scaring you."

"No... is okay, Master. Yoru is happy... Master is okay..."

Don't cry. I wanted to tell her that. But for now, I lowered my head back onto the pillow and waited for the headache to subside. The ceiling above me was black and seamless, a thin strip of white light running along its edge.

I was back at the Stronghold.

I breathed slowly, recalling the events that had led to my unconsciousness. My hand moved towards my side and stopped when I felt layers of gauze beneath my fingers. Yoru caught my wrist.

"No touch."

"...Thank you."

She shook her head at my thanks, as though taking care of me was only natural.

Only then did I notice everything around the bed.

A basin of cloudy water. Used cloth folded beside it. Disinfectant. Torn packaging. Fresh bandages stacked within reach. My bloodied clothes were gone. Yoru had changed too. Her maid uniform was clean again, but her hair wasn't. Several strands had dried together near one side of her face, and the dark circles beneath her eyes stood out more than usual.

"...How long was I asleep?" I rubbed my forehead groggily.

Yoru thought about it, counting on her fingers before stopping at three.

"...I see."

I tried sitting up again.

"No."

Her hands went straight to my shoulders.

"Yoru, I'm okay—"

"No. Rest."

"...I need water." I smiled wryly.

And then she vanished at my request. I barely had time to blink before she returned with a cup.

I ruffled her head, and she smiled contentedly.

Sip. ...Stare.

"...Yoru?"

"Mm?"

"...No, never mind..."

Once I finished the drink, she took the cup away, adjusted the blanket, stared at me for several seconds and... stayed there, watching me. Her chair sat directly beside the bed.

"...Yoru... Did you sleep there?"

Yoru followed my eyes.

"...Mm."

"All night?"

No answer.

"Yoru."

Her ears lowered.

"...Little."

My conscience pricked at me. Her devotion was too much for me.

...Maybe just this once. I shifted towards the other side of the bed.

"Come here... if you're tired."

Her ears immediately perked up.

"Master?"

"But sleep this time."

"...Mm!"

She didn't need to be told twice.

Yoru climbed onto the empty side and settled beside me with care, keeping most of her weight away from my injured side. Even then, she immediately closed the distance between us. "Haah..." Her forehead came to rest near my shoulder, one arm slipping lightly across me.

Normally, I wouldn't have thought much of this. We'd slept like this before, as part of Yoru's treatment.

But now... her skin felt warmer than I remembered. I could feel every small movement when she breathed. The brush of her hair against my neck. The faint pressure of her fingers where they rested against me.

And her smell. Had she always smelled this nice? Faintly sweet beneath the scent of soap, with something else I couldn't place mixed into it.

I stared at the ceiling.

...What is happening to me?

Was this because of the leftover adrenaline in my system after collapsing? Or some primitive instinct kicking in after getting that close to dying?

I glanced down at Yoru. She had already settled against me, breathing softly against my chest.

"?" She looked at me with an innocent gaze.

That had to be it. Otherwise... I wouldn't be feeling it this strongly. Not this much. Beside me, Yoru shifted closer. Her nose brushed lightly against my shoulder before she settled again. That small movement made me react again.

"...Master."

"...Yeah?"

No answer. Her breathing slowly evened out.

I watched her sleep for a while, until I could calm myself down.

Recovery brought me back to a routine.

Sleep. Water. Food. Painkillers. Yoru devoted all her time looking after me while I was bedridden. I was grateful for that.

My injuries didn't leave any permanent damage, and it felt like I would be back in shape in a few more days.

I pulled my shirt up and looked at where I'd been stabbed and slashed. There were faint scars left from that encounter. Yoru looked incredibly sad when she saw me looking at them. I had to reassure her that it was alright. Cosmetic suturing wasn't something easily done.

I was simply glad I—no, we—were still alive.

...Thinking back, perhaps I had been too confident... again.

But that was a freak accident. Coincidences had piled up, and I had to make a choice. If the settlement had been destroyed, Eden would've lost another foothold for survivors. More people would scatter, more would die on the roads. I thought I could prevent that.

I opened the Private Communications. There were several unread messages.

Charlotte first. As expected, hers read more like a field report than a conversation. She had broken everything down into numbers: estimated survivors, confirmed dead, missing, structural damage, usable supplies. 

She and Lunallu had returned to the settlement after the attack and found that it hadn't been completely wiped out.

The fires had taken several buildings. The death toll was still being revised, but the current estimate stood at around one hundred and eighty dead—roughly forty per cent of the settlement's original population. A large proportion of those killed were men, many of them among the people who had fought during the breach. The settlement itself hadn't fared much better. Several stretches of the perimeter were gone completely, and parts of the interior would have to be cleared before anyone could live there safely again.

Lunallu's messages came next, picking up where Charlotte's report left off.

Apparently, a few people had started asking where I'd gone. Not many. I hadn't exactly been a mainstay there, and after everything that happened, most people had more important things to worry about. Still, I'd disappeared sometime during the attack and never came back.

From what Lunallu could tell, nobody thought much of it. Some assumed I'd escaped with another group. Others figured I'd simply left once the fighting ended. Considering how many of the people I'd actually spoken to were now gone, there weren't many left who would've noticed either way.

She and Charlotte had returned with the EDF reinforcements and planned to stay for a while. There were still wounded to look after, missing people to account for, damaged barricades to replace and enough rubble to keep everyone busy for days.

But the settlement was moving again. People were already organising food, clearing buildings and putting together temporary shelters for those who'd lost theirs.

Lunallu sent one more message after that.

Doctor, if things have settled down on your end, you can come by whenever you want.

A short pause separated it from the next.

Everyone's been asking about each other. It might be good for them to see that you're alright too.

I stared at the message for a moment.

Then another appeared beneath it.

We're alright here. Just make sure you're alright too, Doctor.

...Odd way of putting it.

Then again, I'd disappeared in the middle of an attack. She was probably just worried.

I sent a short reply telling them I was fine and would visit once things settled down on my end.

That was enough for now. I closed the Private Communications and let my head sink back against the pillow.

So the settlement had survived... just barely.

Some of the weight in my chest eased. Maybe going back had been the right call. I wanted to believe that.

I ran a finger lightly beside the scar. More than ever, I needed to grow stronger.

I need to gather more Operators.

By evening, I found myself watching Yoru from the bed instead.

She stood at the Stronghold counter in her maid outfit, quietly humming to herself as she prepared dinner.

In front of her, a compact futuristic burner built into the counter glowed faintly beneath the pot.

She moved between the burner and cutting board with practised dexterity, slicing cabbage, carrots and spring onions before cutting the canned smoked ham into thick strips. The dried noodles went into boiling water first, then were drained before Yoru tossed them back over the heat with the vegetables and ham. Instead of using the little seasoning packets they came with, she reached for the bottles she'd lined along the counter. She kept the seasoning lighter for my portion.

It was a simple meal, made from preserved supplies, but watching her from behind like this did something strange to me. That warm, familiar figure reminded me of someone I'd once cherished.

It had been a long time since then.

Maybe I'd been craving that kind of affection more than I realised. Whatever had started when I woke up beside her hadn't gone away. My eyes kept lingering on the sway of her skirt and the curve of her waist.

...Have I become a Pig?

"Master...? Is food... bad?"

"No... sorry, Yoru. I was just thinking..."

I quickly slurped up another mouthful. Across from me, Yoru rested her elbows on the table and cupped her cheeks in both hands, watching me eat with a blissful little smile.

But just out of curiosity, I inspected her status.

...50 Sanity. And... 96 Affinity.

"..." 

I quietly dismissed the window.

A few days later, I could finally move around the Stronghold.

Slowly, at least. Until then, Yoru had been helping to wipe me down while I sat beside the bed. Arms, back, chest, legs... Then her hand would start drifting higher.

And I'd catch her wrist.

"Yoru."

She'd stop. Slowly. Her eyes would drop, lingering beneath the towel across my lap before returning to mine.

The little swallow in her throat, her slightly erratic breathing. It felt like she could sense my impatience too.

Still, she never pushed past the line I'd drawn.

I'd treated Yoru like a daughter until now. She still had her traumas, her insecurities, her...

...Did she really?

She went out on her own now. Managed the Stronghold without me. Took care of me when I couldn't even get out of bed. She'd even told me about the frequency afterward, the biggest part of her trauma, however reluctantly. And yet she'd still gotten back up.

Was Yoru finally independent? Was the Red Stalker no longer something I had to worry about? Could I finally... accept her advances?

In any case, I desperately needed a proper shower. So the moment I could stand long enough on my own, I gathered a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom.

It almost felt like Yoru had been waiting for this moment. I hadn't called for her, yet by the time I reached the shower room, I could already hear her following. Not the usual quick patter of footsteps, but something slower. More certain.

I found myself looking back. She was already bare, watching me enter the shower with half-lidded eyes. Her gaze lingered on my face before dipping noticeably lower. Then lower again. Her ears twitched.

Yoru bit gently into her lower lip, the corners of her mouth threatening to curl upwards as though she were trying very hard to contain herself.

"Master..."

Her voice was softer than usual.

"...Let me join."

My shoulders went tense.

This was... part of her treatment, so I allowed it.

"...Sure."

I entered the shower room first. Yoru followed a moment later, then pulled the door firmly shut behind her with a soft click.

Thump. My heartbeat sounded strangely loud in the enclosed space.

Yoru's ears twitched.

Thump. Thump.

...She could hear it.

Judging by the faint rise and fall of her chest, I wasn't the only one. Tiny beads of sweat gathered along her temple despite the shower not even being on yet. That sweet scent reached me again too, stronger now without anything between us. Warm, clean, unmistakably hers. 

Yoru breathed in softly. Her gaze never left me.

"...Master."

Her eyes narrowed. Sharp. ...Hungry. The smallest smile tugged at her lips while she held herself perfectly still, as though even moving too quickly might break whatever fragile permission I'd just given her.

"...Yeah. Let's... start washing."

"Master," she repeated, this time more insistently, almost coquettishly. Her tongue slowly traced her lower lip, catching briefly against the tip of one fang.

Thump.

"Injured. Let Yoru..."

The shower hadn't even started yet.

And the way Yoru looked at me... 

Her cyan eyes had gone hazy, almost unfocused, as though whatever restraint she'd been holding onto was beginning to slip. A deep blush spread across her cheeks while her lips parted around soft, uneven breaths.

"Master..." she breathed. "This time... let Yoru do everything."

It was like a snake staring down prey that had finally wandered willingly into its coils.