Chapter 108: I don’t trust you/I need you

Noah’s POV

My words are hanging in the air like someone else said it from outside the window.

Elias is not a happy man. I already know and have accepted that fact. He’s the kind of person who would force himself to crack a smile at a birthday party.

I know he’s not exactly a jolly person, but I at least expected a reaction. I just told him who I am...or rather, who I think I am, but he’s saying nothing.

The alpha is completely frozen under me.

If I didn’t know better, I’d think I’m sitting on a life-sized doll with brown hair, dark features and human-like pulse.

"Elias?" I call his name to shake him out of his head and he lets out a shaky breath.

"Tonight is overwhelming me" he says quietly and disappointment blooms in my chest.

Didn’t he say he has been looking for me? Why is he so cold about it?

"You don’t believe I’m the cherry blossom boy, right?" I ask in confusion, and the alpha avoids my gaze by looking over my shoulder. His hands are still on my waist but he’s not looking at me to confirm or deny my question.

What the hell?

"It’s time to go to bed" he mutters and I grab the collar of his shirt like he’s a criminal.

He is.

Elias Deus is a criminal.

He can’t make me hold my breath for this long and then walk away when I need his air.

It’s shameful but I’m a people pleaser. It’s even more embarrassing but I need his validation. I can’t help it, it’s how I’m made.

"Noah...Angel, let go" he says and I shake my head, keeping my hand on his collar and fisting the fabric.

"We’re not going to bed until we talk about this. This is driving me insane, Elias. I saw you then, okay? You were reading a book on strategic marketing and you didn’t bother to look at me. You told me to sit only if I stayed quiet..." I continue to spill what I can remember and his grip on my waist tightens. Elias is not trying to hurt me, but the hold is strong.

"Noah" he says my name flatly and I shake my head.

"Don’t shut me down, please. You said you wanted to break me and see what’s inside. Elias, this is me showing you what’s inside me. I’m confused, I’m damaged, I’m hurting and I need you..." I stop talking so I can take a breath.

"Fuck" Elias whispers and I whimper.

"Don’t shut me down" I whisper and he shuts his eyes.

The alpha mutters something under his breath before opening his eyes and meeting my gaze. He’s slowly returning to the alpha who took me to the field and took me shoe shopping. He’s coming out of the death persona.

"I have a theory, but it’s unclear. Noah, I will have you know that I don’t trust you" he says bluntly, and it feels like a freshly sharpened blade is slicing through my heart.

"That’s harsh" I say in a shaky voice and he loosens his grip on me.

"Have you ever known me to tell you a lie?" he asks and I shake my head side to side. Elias would rather shove the painful truth down my throat than give me a lie or a sugar-coated truth.

"You can distrust me all you want, but you’re not allowed to leave me" I tell him.

"I don’t let go of my possessions" he says with less coldness and I rest my body against his again.

"Don’t leave me alone" I repeat and he doesn’t respond. He’s not giving me any answers but I feel the press of his lips on the side of my head.

"Right now, we have two people between us. Julian and Conan" Elias says and I frown at the mention of Conan.

"You know Conan, too?" I ask.

"No, not well enough, but I know he might have the answers I need. Where is he now?" Elias asks and I shake my head uselessly.

"I don’t know..." I say quietly.

"Are you sure, Noah?" Elias asks and I try to force my brain to supply anything, but I come up with nothing.

I don’t even know if he’s alive or dead. Based on what Lucas words brought back, Conan wasn’t sent out of Winslow after the kidnapping incident.

This is giving me a headache.

"I can’t remember anything about him. I didn’t even remember who Conan was until Freya..." I trail off, not wanting to go to that part of my recent memory.

"You’re safe and you’re with me, Angel" Elias says and I gulp, warding the images and anxiety away.

"In my head I used to addressed Conan as them and I knew him to be the person who left me with an abandonment issue" I say and Elias’s lips form an O shape with realization.

"So Conan was who you dreamt of during your heat" the alpha says and I nod even though I don’t understand what he’s talking about.

"Memories of Conan always come up when I’m in distress or in pain, but I never remember clearly when I come out of it" I explain and Elias curses.

He sure curses a lot...I guess I’ll have to pray for him when I pray to the goddess tonight.

"Don’t think about it anymore. We’ll work it out, but right now...put it all aside" he says and I sigh.

"Just don’t leave me" I say and he nods, wrapping his arms protectively around me, and I press my nose against his scent gland.

We haven’t sorted anything, our web of mystery is tangled, and our heads are fucked. But I’m glad we got to talk and I’m glad I have a piece of Elias’s past.

I fall asleep on his body and wake up in the bed all alone.

Panic sets into my bones and I jump out of the bed.

"Elias? Elias? Elias!" I yell his name and the only response I get is the noise of running water in the bathroom.

With a whine, I barge into the space and find the alpha under the shower.

A knot loosens in my chest at the sight of the alpha. He’s wet and covered in soap suds. One of his hands is in his hair and the other one is dragging a loofah across his chest.

"What are you doing?" he asks, sliding the loofah from his chest to his cock. Why is he covering a cock that I’ve seen, touched, and put inside my mouth?

"Noah" he calls my name in a clipped tone and fold my arms.

"You said you wouldn’t leave me" I remind him and he sighs.

"I needed a shower, Noah" he says, pointing at the shower that’s still running and I sit on the lidded toilet seat.

"Go ahead and shower" I say.