Chapter 248: Tea and a Story

After the sigh, Ding Songyan picked up his teacup, took a slow sip, and fell silent.

Twelfth Madam Luo, on the swing, waited a long while, then couldn’t help asking, "And then?"

Ding Songyan looked up, slightly surprised.

"That sentence was explaining why I don’t look it. It wasn’t the start of a story."

He did not much like sharing his past or his private matters of the heart.

"Oh..." Twelfth Madam Luo was faintly disappointed.

Ding Songyan spaced out for a few more breaths, then smiled self-deprecatingly.

"Actually, that isn’t my past. It’s only a story. If you want to hear it, I can tell it, but you’ll find it doesn’t match the real experiences of Ding Songyan."

Twelfth Madam Luo asked, somewhat startled, "Why do you want to tell it now?"

"When a story has been buried in the heart too long, there always comes a time when one wants to tell it. You and I met by chance, and we may not meet again later, which makes it just right for telling and listening." Ding Songyan’s voice was low and gentle.

The knot in his heart had already faded. Speaking of it would serve as a ritual to untie it completely.

Luo Mingyin was silent for a moment, left the swing, and sat across the stone table.

Ding Songyan set a teacup before her and poured in pale yellow-green tea.

Twelfth Madam Luo lifted the cup and sipped lightly, her eyes on Ding Songyan.

Ding Songyan looked at the few tea leaves floating and sinking, and laughed.

"Back then, I hadn’t yet learned martial arts, but I thought highly of myself, was proud of my talent, and believed I would surely achieve great things someday.

"Later I met a girl as beautiful as a flower. She made many men feel inferior and too timid to approach, but I didn’t think myself unworthy at all. At that time, even if..."

Ding Songyan thought, then gave an example that would be easy for Twelfth Madam Luo to understand.

"Even if Feng Yining, the number-one beauty under heaven, had stood before me, I would have dared to pursue her as a gentleman pursues a fair lady."

Twelfth Madam Luo’s mouth fell slightly open, and after a few breaths she laughed in dismay.

"Truly the arrogance of youth."

Ding Songyan brought the teacup to his lips and looked at Twelfth Madam.

"I had some talent in the matter of wooing, too, and in the end won the beauty.

"After that, life knocked me around a few times, and I realized how naive I had been. My so-called talent brought nothing but one setback and failure after another. Forget big achievements. I couldn’t even manage the small wins I used to sneer at.

"In the most destitute year, I was kept alive entirely by the silver that girl earned. When my family members fell ill or met disaster, she was the one who ran around handling it. At the time I swore I would give her the best possible future."

Twelfth Madam Luo listened intently, her voice unconsciously softening.

"Then why did you part?"

"During that time, setback after setback left me, well, with a shattered resolve, and I went from arrogance to inferiority, my mind turning extremely sensitive." Ding Songyan wore a self-mocking look. "And she was such a wonderful girl, always surrounded by admirers. To earn silver she couldn’t stay home, either. I began to suspect her and kept getting jealous over doubts, then quarreling with her, going silent, treating her coldly. Then, once I found it really was a misunderstanding, I’d bend over backward to placate her and mend the rift.

"At first, this actually brought us closer. But it was as if I had an inner demon. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself from suspecting. Quarrel after quarrel, there was the same coldness, apology, reconciliation. In the end, both of us were exhausted and our feelings faded. We were both tired.

"The day I climbed out of the mire and had achieved something, she proposed we part, and I agreed.

"To go on would have been torture, for her and for me, just like the question you asked earlier: wanting to get close while each resisting the other.

"She took nothing from me. She left alone and went back to her hometown."

Twelfth Madam Luo quietly savored the feelings and scenes Ding Songyan described for a while, then said gently, her eyes deep, "That’s an inner demon at work.

"There was a crack in your heart, and the inner demon took advantage."

"Twelfth Madam, no need to comfort me." Ding Songyan shook his head with a laugh. "Later I achieved quite a lot, and my resolve was slowly pieced back together. Looking back, I realized how outrageously wrong I’d been. It had nothing to do with an inner demon. The mistakes were entirely mine."

Twelfth Madam Luo slowly shook her head.

"I’m not making excuses for you. An inner demon is two sides of the same coin with you. Mm, let me change the word: human desire. Too much and it becomes a demon, too little and one is no longer human. What we should do is lean neither way and hold steadfastly to the middle way.

"The jealousy within your human desire deviated from the proper path when your state of mind shattered, exceeded its limit, and became an inner demon.

"An inner demon can be defeated and eliminated, but it can’t truly be destroyed. Its seed is human desire, which is why Sage Zuo said, ’examine yourself thrice daily.’"

At this, Twelfth Madam Luo sighed with a smile.

"I thought you’d refuse to admit your faults to the death."

Ding Songyan smirked.

"For a time, waking at midnight and recalling the past, I wanted to sit up and slap myself and say, ’You really deserve to die.’"

Twelfth Madam Luo, whose spirits had been low, nearly laughed. She looked at Ding Songyan and said after some thought, "You never tried to find that girl again?"

Ding Songyan fell silent for a moment, then smiled.

"Times change. Once when I went back to my hometown, a mutual friend told me she had found a good match again and had married a while earlier."

Twelfth Madam Luo was silent a long while, then asked hesitantly, "What did you, at that moment, feel?"

"It’s been too long. I don’t remember." Ding Songyan thought back. "Probably nothing very deep, since we’d been apart for a long time. I only remember that day the sky was very blue and the cicadas were loud."

Twelfth Madam Luo gave Ding Songyan a long look and suddenly asked, "The person who said she should never have played along with you. It was this girl, wasn’t it?"

"Yes." Ding Songyan’s mouth carried a trace of a smile, but his eyes fell on the surface of the tea.

Twelfth Madam Luo took a sip of tea and asked, as if to herself or to Ding Songyan, "And later, did you let go?"

Ding Songyan finished his cup, poured another for himself, and said with a bitter smile, "For a while I tried to find another good match, but every time we were about to open our hearts to each other, I couldn’t help shrinking back, evading, giving up. I don’t know why. So I stopped looking and lost myself in women and wine, living fast and loose."

"And after that?" Twelfth Madam Luo heard the unspoken part.

Ding Songyan lifted his teacup but forgot to sip, his gaze seeming to fall somewhere very far away.

"Later I met two outstanding girls. One I met in my hour of danger, and I had no mind for anything else. By the time my situation improved, we were very, very far apart and could only write letters. We’re good friends. At first, I felt some ripples at the romance and sincerity in her letters, but being at two ends of the world, the ripples soon calmed.

"As for the other girl, er, if no accident had occurred before, the two of us would probably have naturally ended up together."

"That senior sister of yours?" Twelfth Madam Luo’s interest in gossip was kindled.

Ding Songyan looked at Twelfth Madam Luo.

"I said it’s only a story. Don’t map it onto the present."

Twelfth Madam Luo changed the question.

"Does that count as letting go?"

"How could one truly let go of such an important stretch of life? I can only say I’ve untied the knot and no longer dwell on the past, and I’m willing to welcome new possibilities and a new future." Ding Songyan spoke honestly.

"There’s no true letting go, only whether the knot is untied or not..." Twelfth Madam Luo repeated the meaning of Ding Songyan’s words.

After a long thought, she looked at Ding Songyan and said, a little embarrassed, "Actually, I’m quite curious how you untied your knot."

"Everyone’s circumstances differ. You can’t imitate mine." Ding Songyan chuckled. "When I first met that girl, I was in a situation of fear, despair, unease, with no future in sight. She walked out of the night like a candle, lighting up my whole self and bringing hope.

"That made me especially close to her. I was willing to share my life experience with her. Every day we practiced martial arts together, wandered together, played together, adventured together, sometimes bickering. In many people’s eyes, we were already a pair. Until an elder asked me what I thought of her, and I-I instinctively chose to shrink back and evade.

"But that also woke me up. I shouldn’t ruin another girl’s reputation. If I didn’t think of marrying her someday, it would be best to keep my distance.

"I carefully recalled every bit of time I’d spent with her and found I didn’t want to give up like that. So I told myself, try. Try to untie the knot.

"She is a very warm, cheerful girl. Slowly she lit up my heart, which had grown somewhat dark and stained with much scheming. At some point I forgot the knot."

Twelfth Madam Luo said with heartfelt feeling,

"How lovely.

"That kind of experience really can’t be imitated by others."

She asked with concern, "You were separated by an accident. Will you be able to be together in the future?"

A trace of a smile appeared on Ding Songyan’s face.

"I’ll try my best. She seems to have opened up too."

At this, Ding Songyan exhaled.

"The problem now is that my enemy can’t stand to see me well, and I can’t beat her. If I were with that girl, I’d bring her a death sentence."

Twelfth Madam Luo froze for a few breaths, her expression unconsciously turning heavy, and she asked gravely, "Will you give up then?"

"Why would I give up?" Ding Songyan retorted in astonishment.

How could I give up wooing Senior Sister because Demoness Ji threatens me?

That’s a weakling’s way of thinking!

Twelfth Madam Luo asked blankly, "Didn’t you say your enemy is very powerful?"

"I have to give up just because she’s powerful ?" Ding Songyan said, amused. "I’ll find an opportunity, a suitable occasion, a place the enemy can’t approach, and tell Senior Sister, er, tell that girl everything honestly. If she has me in her heart, I’ll ask her to wait for me. When I attain the Heaven-Man Realm, I’ll marry her openly. Until then, I’ll keep my distance first, or sneak around.

"In short, I won’t give up, and I won’t let her misunderstand."

As if meeting Ding Songyan for the first time, Twelfth Madam Luo stared at him for a good while before sighing with a smile.

"For all your thousand faults, that spirit and ruthlessness of yours are still worth praising."

Ding Songyan poured Twelfth Madam Luo a cup of tea and said with a smile, "Thank you for the praise, Twelfth Madam.

"My story is finished. Your turn."

"I-I have to tell one too?" Twelfth Madam Luo was somewhat startled.

"My story isn’t heard for free. It has to be traded for your own." Ding Songyan clicked his tongue.

Before Twelfth Madam Luo could respond, he shook his head with a laugh.

"Just kidding. Tell it if you want, and it’s fine if you don’t. I just think when a story has been buried in the heart too long, there always comes a time to tell it, and you and I met by chance and may not meet again, which is just right for telling and listening."

He repeated his earlier words.

Twelfth Madam Luo silently drank her tea. After a while, she sighed softly.

"My story is very simple."