Chapter 73: Reason and Regret

The smile finally fell from Amaya’s face, her expression growing stern.

Despite her callousness, it was clear the topic wasn’t exactly a light one to her. She at least knew the gravity of murder and the terrible weight it placed on Zayn’s shoulders.

A deserved weight, but a weight nonetheless.

Noting her silence, Zayn added in a whisper, wary of eavesdroppers:

"With my own hands."

Amaya wiggled her foot slightly, pressing the sole against the bed.

"What about the others...?"

"The Goblin King killed them."

"You say that... but..."

Zayn tilted his head away from Amaya. He gave her the truth, though not all of it:

"Yeah, it’s my fault. One way or another, they died because I held back."

Amaya’s foot stopped moving, settling firmly against the sheet.

"I see... but what about Maks?"

Zayn felt his stomach drop as he slowly turned to face her.

"He... I, uh... I enlisted his help."

Amaya raised an eyebrow.

"How in the world did you manage that...?"

Zayn bit his lip. The words were hard to come by, but they eventually clawed their way up his throat and into the open air.

"He didn’t see everything. The Goblin King knocked him unconscious. But... I told him what I did. To Axel, at least. It took some convincing, but the fact that he already knew about my task helped. He promised to keep quiet and even offered to help in the future. If you’re curious, why don’t you ask him yourself when he comes back up. We share this room."

Amaya’s eyes widened.

"That’s..." ℯ

Zayn’s stomach churned so violently he feared he might throw up, but he forced out a wry chuckle.

"You still don’t trust the task?"

"Who would in my position? Seeing is believing and all... At the very least, I can see now that you’re serious about it. So, it’s not a joke. Or rather, it’s at least not a very good one."

Zayn sighed.

"I figured."

"Of course, you still have my silence until your task is either disproven or proven. Though, I am quite curious. Have you found any new Disasters here?"

Zayn shook his head.

"No new ones... but just before we stormed the castle, I identified Cynthia as one."

"Hmm, that does explain your expression then." Amaya smiled, looked Zayn square in the eyes, and added, "What about me? Am I one?"

Zayn took a deep breath before spitting out a vain attempt at retaliation against the idiosyncratic murder sympathizer.

"I wonder."

"Ah, so I’m not. Good."

His words failed to fool her even slightly.

She’d probably known she was safe from the moment he first helped her walk into the goblin camp after the first big raid.

A brief silence settled between them before Amaya filled it with a question.

"Do you regret it?"

’Ah... her "wise" words.’

The night of the raid, she’d said something about not regretting his decision.

"Of course I do. Who wouldn’t regret something so vile? I’ll never stop regretting what I’ve done. Even so... I’m determined to continue down this bloody path."

Amaya stared at him for a few moments, then sighed.

"What a placid, eggshelled answer. Trying to play the middle will only end with the path under your feet narrowing into a tightrope before it ultimately vanishes. I’ll say this: pick one. Regret it, or don’t."

Zayn gulped as her words seeped into his mind, rotting the very roots of his psyche.

As much as he didn’t want to, he understood what she meant.

Regret... regret would slowly kill him from the inside.

And he was bound to accumulate countless more regrets while pursuing the fulfillment of his task.

Simply put, there was no way he’d ever see his task’s end without letting go.

Zayn took a deep breath, then returned Amaya’s intense gaze.

"Amaya... why do you talk as if you’ve experienced this?"

A dark smile spread across her face as she glanced away.

"You shared something damning with me, so I’ll share something damning with you. I’m a murderer. Before I was summoned, I killed someone..."

Amaya’s words fell silent as she looked back at Zayn.

His expression hadn’t changed.

For a few seconds, she simply stared at him while he patiently waited for her to continue.

Instead, she asked:

"Why don’t you look surprised...?"

"Should I be?"

"Yes???"

’Wow... she’s really unaware.’

She’d been summoned in normal clothes, but that didn’t exactly mean she hadn’t been caught.

"I’m sorry, but... do you really think you seem normal? My first impression was that you were some psycho murdermonger. You did offer to help, after all... That’s why I approached you in the first place. I thought you were the perfect psycho to help with this psychotic task."

’And my impression hasn’t changed much...’

Amaya’s mouth drifted open.

"Well, screw you too... Now I feel like I have to explain myself! It was self-defense! Someone was trying to mug my brother and me, and well... let’s just say he didn’t get to."

Her expression grew serious as she added:

"However... I did regret it. I regretted it for a long time. Many nights, I lay awake thinking I should have just let it happen. That I should have given that man what he wanted and let him go. Then I wouldn’t have been plagued by guilt every waking day. But eventually, I realized that what was done was done. I did what was best for me at that moment. Dwelling on it only gave it control over my mind that it didn’t deserve."

Zayn shook his head.

"Well, not everyone can simply decide not to regret something."

"I know... that’s not a power I have either. The only power I have is recognition. Recognition of my own reasons. Awareness that my reasons outweigh the actions they drive me to take... The way I see it, true regret only comes when someone fails to act on those reasons in the first place."

’Reason...’

Zayn knew his reasons. He had quite a few.

His vow to Alina. Getting back to Fluffles. Saving humanity from extinction.

He also knew his reasons for not doing it.

Murder was atrocious. Horrific. It was a lonely, scary path. He didn’t want to hurt people in any capacity.

’So... it’s my job to gather those reasons, then forge them into a purpose?’

Whether to disobey or obey the task.

And whatever he chose, sticking to those reasons would drown out the regret.

At least, that was Amaya’s theory about it.

’But... it’s not that simple.’

’This is muder we’re talking about. Mass murder.’

Plus...

’She has no idea what I did to Claire.’

Then again, by her logic, he had his reasoning in that instance to.

The doorknob started to wriggle, a soft clink announcing that it had been unlocked.

Zayn frantically whispered:

"Please hide the other Disasters from him."

The door swung open.

Maks was back.