Chapter 443 - If I Come Back, I’ll Stay

Chapter 443: Chapter 443 - If I Come Back, I’ll Stay

By the time Roxie reached the airport, she had stopped crying hard enough to see properly.

Her face still felt swollen, her nose was stuffed and every few minutes another tear slipped out without warning, but at least she could walk through the terminal without looking like she was about to collapse. She dragged her suitcase behind her, found an empty seat near the ticket counters and sat down with both hands wrapped around her phone.

She had managed to book a flight to Virginia from the car.

It had cost more than she wanted to think about.

Roxie stared at the confirmation on her screen and wondered what the fuck she was doing.

She had cheer evaluations coming up. Classes were starting. Most of her clothes were still inside the apartment because one suitcase could only hold so much. She had left shampoo in the shower, shoes by the door, food in the refrigerator and half her life mixed together with Zac’s like she expected to come home tomorrow.

Maybe she did.

That was the problem.

Roxie opened her messages with Karen, typed that she was coming back to Virginia, deleted it, then tried again.

I’m coming back. I’ll explain when I get there. Please don’t call me yet.

She stared at the message before sending it.

Karen replied less than a minute later.

WHAT HAPPENED

Then another.

ARE YOU SAFE

Roxie answered that she was safe and put her phone facedown on her lap before Karen could ask anything else.

It started vibrating almost immediately.

Roxie’s entire body tightened.

She already knew.

She turned the phone over.

Zac.

Her thumb hovered over the screen until the call ended.

Another came before she could put the phone down.

Then another.

Roxie stared at his name flashing across the screen and pressed both lips together so tightly they hurt.

He was home.

He had seen the apartment.

Her suitcase was gone.

The calls stopped long enough for messages to start appearing.

Where are you?

Roxie answer me

Your stuff is gone

Please fucking answer

Roxie covered her mouth with one hand.

The phone rang again.

She let it ring until the last second, then answered before she could lose her nerve.

For a moment neither of them spoke.

Roxie could hear Zac breathing.

Then his voice came through rough and frightened.

"Where are you?"

Roxie closed her eyes.

"I’m safe."

"Where?"

"Zac."

"Where are you, Roxie?"

She looked toward the departure board across from her. "The airport."

Silence.

Not complete silence. Roxie could still hear him breathing, but whatever Zac had been about to say disappeared.

When he finally spoke again, his voice had changed.

"You left?"

Roxie looked down at the suitcase beside her.

"Yeah."

"What the fuck do you mean you left?"

She flinched.

Zac immediately lowered his voice, but the panic stayed in it. "I came home and your suitcase was gone. Half your shit is gone. I’ve been calling you for ten fucking minutes. What are you doing at the airport?"

Roxie rubbed her thumb against the edge of her phone. "I’m going back to Virginia."

"For what?"

She almost laughed because the question was so Zac. As if there had to be an event. A reason with a date attached. Something they could solve once he understood what it was.

"I need to go."

"No. Rox, come on. What happened? Is this because I went to Dylan?"

"No."

"You left right after I went there."

"I know."

"Then how is it not because of that?"

Roxie leaned forward and rested her forehead against her free hand. "Because you should’ve gone."

Zac went quiet.

"He was talking about hurting himself," she continued. "I know you had to make sure he was okay. I’m not angry at you for that."

"Then come home."

Her eyes filled immediately.

Zac must have heard something in her breathing because his voice softened.

"Please, babe. Just come home and we’ll talk."

Roxie wiped beneath her eye.

"I can’t."

"Yes, you can. Tell me where you are. I’ll come get you."

"No."

"Roxie."

"I said no."

"What the fuck is happening?"

His voice cracked on the last word.

Roxie pressed her lips together and tried to breathe normally.

Zac continued before she could answer. "I left because somebody might fucking hurt himself. I came straight back. I told you I was coming back. I meant everything I said before I left, so tell me what happened between me walking out that door and you packing your shit."

"Nothing happened."

"That makes even less sense."

"I sat there."

"What?"

"I sat there after you left."

Zac went quiet.

Roxie stared at the people moving through the terminal while she tried to find words that wouldn’t sound ridiculous once she said them out loud.

"I knew you were coming back. That was the first thing I knew. I knew you’d make sure Dylan was okay and then come home. You’d explain everything, I’d listen and you’d apologize for leaving after what we just talked about."

"I would’ve."

"I know."

"Then why did you leave?"

Roxie closed her eyes.

"Because I know what I would’ve done too."

Zac didn’t answer.

"I would’ve understood. I would’ve let you hold me. You would’ve told me we could fix everything, and I would’ve believed you because I always believe you."

"Because I mean it."

"I know you mean it."

"Then what the hell are we doing?"

The pain in his voice made Roxie grip the phone harder.

She had expected anger. Maybe even yelling.

She hadn’t expected him to sound this scared.

"I don’t know who I am anymore when everything I feel depends on what you’re doing."

Zac went completely silent.

Roxie rubbed at another tear before it could reach her jaw.

"I wait for you to come home. I count how much time we get. I get jealous when somebody else takes up too much of it. I look at your phone and hate myself afterward. I got mad at Dylan before anything even happened because I already felt like I was competing with him. Then he kissed you and everything got worse."

"Roxie, you’re not competing with Dylan."

"I know."

"Then stop acting like you are."

"I’m trying."

Her voice broke.

Zac immediately softened. "Baby."

Roxie squeezed her eyes shut.

"Please don’t."

"What am I supposed to call you?"

That nearly undid her.

She pressed her fist against her mouth until she could speak again.

"I don’t like who I am right now."

"You think leaving me fixes that?"

"I don’t know."

"Then why are you doing it?"

"Because staying isn’t fixing it either."

The line went quiet again.

Roxie could hear him moving somewhere, then the sound of something being set down hard.

"Okay," Zac said. "Fine. You need space? Take space. I’ll sleep somewhere else. You stay in the apartment."

Roxie shook her head even though he couldn’t see her.

"No."

"I’ll stay with one of the guys. You don’t have to leave Tennessee."

"Zac."

"Your cheer shit is here. Your classes are here. You were finally starting to like it here. Why the fuck are you throwing everything away because we’re having a bad few weeks?"

"I’m not throwing everything away."

"You’re at the airport."

Roxie wiped her face again. "I need to get away from you."

The words hurt as soon as they came out.

Zac stopped talking.

Roxie wanted to take them back immediately.

She could picture him inside the apartment, probably standing in the bedroom looking at the open closet and the spaces where her things had been.

When he finally spoke, his voice was low.

"You need to get away from me."

Roxie swallowed. "For now."

"Why?"

"Because if I stay there, I’m gonna keep choosing us before I even figure out what I want."

"You want us."

"I do."

"Then what the fuck?"

His voice rose, and this time Roxie heard the anger underneath the panic.

"You love me. I love you. I didn’t cheat on you. I don’t want Dylan. I’m trying to fix what I fucked up. Tell me what part of that means you get on a fucking plane and disappear."

Roxie bent forward, trying to keep her breathing under control.

"None of it."

"Exactly."

"That’s why this is hard."

"It shouldn’t be this hard if you still want me."

Roxie stared at the floor between her shoes.

"That’s what scares me, Zac. I want you enough that I’ll stay through anything if I keep telling myself you mean well."

He went quiet again.

"You think I’m hurting you on purpose?"

"No."

"You think I don’t care?"

"No."

"You think I’m choosing Dylan over you?"

Roxie shut her eyes.

"No."

"Then what did I do bad enough for you to leave me?"

His voice broke.

Roxie covered her mouth.

For a few seconds she couldn’t answer because she knew that was the question neither of them could solve.

Zac wanted an offense.

A line he had crossed badly enough to explain why his girlfriend was sitting at an airport with a suitcase.

Roxie didn’t have one.

"You keep asking me what you did bad enough," she whispered. "Maybe nobody has to be the bad guy."

"That’s bullshit."

A shaky laugh escaped her through the tears.

"I knew you’d say that."

"Because it is. We don’t throw this away because things got hard."

"I’m tired."

"So am I."

"I know."

"Then come home and be tired with me."

Roxie started crying again.

She turned her face away from the people around her even though nobody was paying attention.

"Please stop."

"No."

The answer came immediately.

Zac’s breathing sounded uneven now.

"No, Roxie. I’m not gonna sit here and act like this makes sense. You want me home more? I’ll come home more. You want space from Dylan? Fine. You want me to stop staying after practice unless Coach makes me? Fine. You want your own place? We’ll find you one. You want me out of the apartment for a month? I’ll fucking go. But you don’t get on a plane and decide we’re over because you’re scared we might keep hurting each other."

Roxie pressed her fingers against her eyes.

Every solution made her want to turn around.

That was exactly why she had left while he was gone.

"Listen to yourself."

"What?"

"You’ll change everything."

"Yes."

"You’ll give me everything I ask for."

"If that’s what it takes."

"And then I’m still the one telling you how to choose me."

Zac swore under his breath.

"This again?"

"Yes, this again."

"I already told you I choose you."

"And I believe you."

"Then why doesn’t it fucking count?"

Roxie couldn’t answer right away.

A boarding announcement sounded somewhere farther down the terminal, and she looked toward the screen automatically. Her flight wasn’t boarding yet.

Zac heard it.

"Are you already through security?"

Roxie stayed quiet.

"Roxie."

"Yes."

"Jesus fucking Christ."

She heard movement again, faster this time.

"Where are your keys?"

"What?"

"Your apartment keys. Did you take them?"

"They’re in my bag."

"Good. Keep them. Come back."

Roxie almost laughed through her tears. "Zac."

"I’m serious. Walk out of the airport. I’ll come get you."

"I can’t."

"You keep saying that like somebody is forcing you onto the plane."

Roxie looked down at her boarding pass on her phone.

"You are."

Zac went silent.

Roxie immediately shook her head. "That came out wrong."

"Yeah."

"I mean you’re the reason I know I won’t leave if I see you."

His breathing caught.

Roxie wiped her face again.

"If you were standing here right now, I’d probably go home with you."

"Then tell me which airport."

"No."

"Roxie."

"No, because I know myself."

"You think I don’t know you?"

"That’s exactly why I’m not telling you."

For the first time since answering, Zac said nothing for several seconds.

When he spoke again, the anger had disappeared.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Roxie’s hand went cold around the phone.

She had known the question was coming.

Knowing didn’t help.

Her eyes dropped to the suitcase beside her.

"Rox?"

She tried to answer.

Nothing came out.

Zac’s breathing changed.

"Please don’t."

Roxie covered her eyes with her free hand.

"I think I have to."

"No."

"Zac."

"No. Fuck that. You don’t even sound like you want to."

"I don’t."

"Then don’t."

Roxie started crying harder.

Zac kept going, his voice cracking now.

"We’ve broken up before. We know what that did to us. We spent days fucking miserable because neither of us knew how to let go, and now you’re doing it again while telling me you still love me."

"I know."

"You know?"

His laugh sounded awful.

"Then come home."

Roxie bent forward until her forehead nearly touched her knees.

"I can’t keep making my whole life about whether you’re there, Zac."

"I never asked you to."

"I know."

"Then build your own life. Stay in cheer. Make your own friends. Tell me to fuck off when you want time alone. You don’t have to leave me to have your own life."

That one hurt because Roxie knew he was right.

She had started finding things in Tennessee that belonged to her. Cheer was becoming hers. There were people she might eventually call friends. Maybe she could stay, move somewhere else and learn how to build a life beside Zac instead of around him.

Maybe that would work.

Maybe everything he was offering would work.

Roxie stared toward the airport exit.

For a few seconds she actually imagined standing up, pulling her suitcase behind her and walking back out.

Zac would come get her.

She would cry the second she saw him.

He would hold her.

They would go home.

She wanted it so badly her hand tightened around the phone.

Then she remembered sitting alone in the apartment less than an hour ago, knowing she would forgive everything the second he came back.

She remembered how quickly she had started preparing reasons to stay.

Football would calm down.

Dylan would get better.

Zac would try harder.

There was always another chance waiting for her if she wanted one.

And she always wanted one.

"I don’t know if Tennessee is mine yet."

Zac didn’t answer.

"I came because you were coming. Cheer is starting to feel like something I chose, but I don’t even know what I’d choose if you weren’t standing beside everything."

"So figure it out there."

"I can’t."

"Why?"

"Because every time I see you, I’m gonna choose you first."

The words left Roxie exhausted.

Zac stopped arguing.

For a long time neither of them spoke.

Then he asked quietly, "Do you love me?"

Roxie’s face crumpled.

"Yes."

"Do you think I cheated on you?"

"No."

"Do you think I wanted Dylan to kiss me?"

"No."

"Do you think I want him now?"

"No."

Another long silence.

When Zac spoke again, he sounded completely lost.

"Then what the fuck are we doing?"

Roxie pressed her palm against her chest.

"I don’t know."

"That’s not enough."

"I know."

"You can’t leave me with that."

"I don’t have anything better."

"Then stay until you do."

Roxie shut her eyes.

Of course Zac would say that.

Stay until they understood.

Stay until they fixed it.

Stay until the next day.

Stay until next week.

There would always be another reason to wait.

An announcement came over the speakers again.

This time Roxie heard her flight number.

Boarding would begin soon.

Zac went silent.

"Was that your flight?"

Roxie couldn’t answer.

"Roxie."

"Yes."

"How long?"

She looked at the screen. "They’re starting boarding."

"Don’t get on that plane."

Her throat closed.

"Zac."

"Don’t."

The word came out rough.

"Please. I’m begging you."

Roxie pressed her knuckles against her lips.

"Stay where you are. I’ll come get you."

"You won’t make it."

"Then miss the fucking flight."

Roxie cried harder.

"Please."

"I’ll buy you another ticket tomorrow. Next week. Whenever. If you still want to leave after we talk, fine. I’ll drive you to the airport myself. Just don’t fucking do this while I’m standing in our apartment wondering when my girlfriend decided she couldn’t even wait for me to come home."

Roxie squeezed her eyes shut.

That hurt because he was right too.

She had left without giving him the chance to fight for them in person.

She had done it because she knew he would.

"I’m sorry."

"No."

"I’m sorry, Zac."

"Stop saying that."

"I am."

"I don’t want you sorry. I want you home."

Roxie covered her mouth as another sob escaped.

People were starting to line up near the gate.

She stayed seated.

Zac heard her crying and his voice softened again.

"Baby, please."

Roxie closed her eyes.

There he was.

Her Zac.

The boy who had fought her on everything from the first day because accepting no had never come naturally to him.

The boy who could drive her insane and still be the first person she wanted when something went wrong.

The boy she had imagined growing up with.

For one second Roxie hated herself for doing this to him.

"I love you."

"Then stay."

She cried harder.

"I love you so fucking much."

"Then stay with me."

Roxie looked toward the gate.

The line was moving.

Her legs felt weak when she stood.

Zac must have heard the suitcase wheels because his breathing changed.

"What are you doing?"

Roxie couldn’t answer.

"Roxie, what are you doing?"

She grabbed the suitcase handle tighter and moved toward the line.

"I’m sorry."

"Don’t get on that plane."

Roxie pressed the phone harder against her ear.

"If I come back tonight, I’ll stay."

"Good."

"For everything."

"I want you to."

"I know."

"Then what is the problem?"

Roxie stopped walking.

Someone behind her moved around with their bag.

She stared at the gate ahead.

"The problem is I don’t know if I’m staying because it’s good for me or because losing you hurts worse."

Zac said nothing.

Roxie’s mouth trembled.

"I need to know."

His voice came back quieter.

"And what happens to me while you figure that out?"

The question hit hard enough that Roxie had to look down.

She had spent days thinking about what she needed to survive this.

Zac was still inside it too.

"I don’t know."

He laughed once, but it broke halfway through.

"Fuck."

Roxie cried silently.

"I’m sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"I don’t know what else to say."

"Say you’re coming home."

"I can’t."

"Say you’ll call me tomorrow."

Roxie swallowed.

"I will."

"Promise me."

"I promise."

"And you’re gonna answer?"

"Yes."

"You’re not gonna disappear?"

"No."

Zac breathed out shakily.

Roxie moved forward with the line.

When she reached the point where she would have to show her boarding pass, she stopped again.

"Zac."

"What?"

"I love you."

His answer came immediately.

"I love you too."

Roxie closed her eyes.

"More than anything."

"Then don’t leave me."

Her face crumpled.

"I have to."

"No, you don’t."

The agent looked toward her, waiting.

Roxie held up one finger and turned slightly away.

Zac was still talking.

"We can fix this. You know we can. We always fucking fix it."

Roxie smiled through the tears because that sounded so much like him.

Maybe they could.

That was the hardest part.

Maybe if she went back, Zac would change exactly what he promised to change. Maybe they would make it through college. Maybe years from now they would laugh about the night Roxie almost got on a plane because both of them were eighteen and stupid and terrified.

She wanted that future.

But she wanted to know she had chosen it because it was hers too.

Roxie looked at the boarding pass in her hand.

"I’ll call you tomorrow."

"Roxie."

She took a breath that shook all the way through her.

Then she ended the call.

For one second she stood there staring at Zac’s name on the screen.

The phone started ringing immediately.

Her thumb hovered over it.

She almost answered.

She almost stepped out of line.

Instead Roxie pressed the side button until the screen went dark.

The agent scanned her boarding pass.

Roxie pulled her suitcase behind her and walked through the gate while her phone kept vibrating inside her hand.

She didn’t look at it again.