Chapter 792 – Reconciliation

The purpose of this letter is your silence. There is no quota, the best timeline that can be given is up to seven months. We are not measuring in terms of weight or cost, and we shall not bankrupt the Empire by introducing profit incentives. If the Emperor chooses to offer rewards after this crisis is over, then he shall offer rewards, nevertheless, I am not the Emperor and I will not pretend for a single second that I can speak for the man. Nor do I think that there is any reward that triumphs what we are doing here, because we are building for our survival.

You ask for estimates. The estimates I have received myself measure in the tens of thousand of kilometres of irregular platforms and beams. What sort of weight estimate is there to give? The dwarves have already been notified, and they have taken to the order with their full heart, digging and expanding their holds into rich veins of ore. It is only with you that I have a problem.

Ultimately, it is within my authority to submit documents to the Imperial Bureau of Information, the Special Imperial Service, and Imperial Auditry. Understand that the Empire is not fighting for its own survival at this point, and that there is no sliding scale of defeat in which some of you may become collaborators to a new regime.

I have enough issues to deal with right now, I do not need your scampering begs requesting for an estimate. There is no estimate! There is either enough, or there isn’t! And we shall know within the year when precisely one of two scenarios occur in the binary problem we face now! Either the Million Man Miracle succeeds and the Second Arc is annihilated, or the Second Arc hits Arda and this world is destroyed! That is your motivation!

- Copy-Pasted email sent to various Epan companies, written by Minister of Internal Affairs, Lord Wilhelm Trosk.

Kassandora glumly approached Kavaa in their shared hotel room. In the city of Forence, it was high in the mountains, close enough to Rhomaion that they didn’t have to waste too much of their day on travel, but far away enough that the military matters did not follow her here. Besides, everything that needed to be done, arranged and organised was already done, arranged and organised. Such was the beauty of her system that one meeting was more than enough to issue a borderline total rearrangement of military affairs.

The notes that she and Iliyal and the other commanders of the Imperial Armed Forces had taken were all taken, combined into one sheet, and then the changes were quickly scheduled by Kassandora. Major cities would be garrisoned, military jets needed new battle tactics. Drones would be more plentiful. Especially those that were either armed with suicide bombs or with rifles. The Angels themselves were too difficult for infantry to hit, one commander had suggested aiming courses for the troops.

Kassandora had quickly shut that stupid idea down. There was a limit to human ability, people could react quickly, but they could not react instantly. Add to natural response time the din and chaos of battle and suddenly, it was obvious. Some men could hit Paradeisian forces because they simply had the natural abilities that bequeathed such accuracy. For others, there would be no amount of training that would bring them up to such a level.

Automated turrets, guns with computers in them, dwarven automata. All of that could be worthwhile because all of that did not waste time on thinking about whether to take a shot. It was a new style of warfare, and one Kassandora had never thought would occur. Finally, the ultimate trade had surpassed its ultimate practitioner. But that was neither here or there. That meeting had been run on autopilot, when Kassandora could disengage from her problems and push them away and focus on the task ahead of her.

And now that she was stripped down to her bare skin, hidden in nothing but a blanket and nursing a bottle of wine in her arms, she had to deal with the reality of the day. Allasaria had returned and Allasaria spoke in that way she always did and Kassandora did not know what to say or do or act. The woman was not better than her, the woman was worse in fact. Worse in every way. But just because Kassandora could see the patterns of the game they were playing, and just because she had grown used to them, did not make them hurt any less.

Kavaa came into the living room after finishing her own shower. She stripped her towel off, Kassandora blushed and averted her eyes, and the Goddess of Health snuggled in under the blanket. “I’m sure you want to cry about it.” Kavaa said quietly and Kassandora felt a lump in her throat. She did want to cry about it. She wanted to sit and weep and say every bad thought she ever had about the Goddess of Light. And it would be worthless, a game with no reward bar pain and heartache.

Kassandora leaned her head on Kavaa’s. Immediately, red hair fell and intertwined in between Kavaa’s grey locks. They had been made into the colour of grey slurry left behind by snowfall that wasn’t thick enough to blanket the ground. “I do.” Kassandora said quietly. Neither of them reached for the remote. “I really do.”

“Then do.” Kavaa said. “Or don’t, but I’m here whichever it is.”

“Did I say the right thing?” Kassandora asked pathetically. Internally, she was kicking herself for being so terrible to Allasaria. And it was not the kicking of guilt or the victorious thoughts that always followed winning a battle. It was instead the realisation that even though she felt terrible, she felt terrible because Allasaria had been hurt.

And Allasaria could be hurt, but it was poor team management. There had been no reason to be so heavy on the Goddess of Light. The woman had a high opinion of herself. Great! What Divine didn’t? Kassandora could not find an answer to the question that appeared in her own minds. “Do you want me to say yes?” Kavaa asked. “Because I think you did the right thing.”

“And what if she hates me?”

“And what if she does?” Kavaa asked.

“Then I won’t be able to give orders to her in the battlefield.” It was nothing like Fortia or Maisara who had not a shred of personality between the two of them and were downright professional in everything they did. This was the same Allasaria that held grudges and talked about old times as if she was still living through them. And how could Kassandora send a person like that into the battlefield? When would Allasaria just have enough and decide to leave because Kassandora, as she truly was.

“Why not?” Kavaa asked quietly. “She is not so soft that she’ll leave over this.”

“But what if she does?” Kassandora asked, she had to explain it more. “I had to be as brutal as possible. I had to tell her flat out that she didn’t matter and that our time together did not matter either. And you think she’ll let go of that?”

“Of course no.” Kavaa said dryly. “It’s Allasaria we are talking about. The woman cannot let go and nive ib, she dragged the White Pantheon through a thousand years of. Do you think she’ll quit? The Goddess if Light and her holy orders will give ul after one argument? Do you even know her?

“She won’t.” Kassandora answered, although it was obvious. Allasaria was made of more stubborn brick that that. “I just should have been able to handle it better. I didn’t have to go at her in the way I did.”

“But you did go at her.” Kavaa said. “And nothing will change that, and frankly, she does deserve it.”

“I know she does.” Kassandora said. “That’s why I shouldn’t have gone as hard. Everyone who doesn’t know will just make me out to be cruel.”

“You are cruel.” Kavaa said. “At least as cruel as I am.” Of Health whispered, then held the blanket in place as she poured two glasses of fine Rilian wine into two massive glasses. Everything was upscaled here, from the wine bottle itself to the drinking devices. “And what am I supposed to say to that Kassandora? You said what you had to say, and you gave her an honesty she did not expect. And now you’re torturing yourself over doing the right thing.” Kassandora let out a deep breath.

“It was in the presentation.” Kassandora said.

“No.” Kavaa replied as she passed a glass of wine to Kassandora. “It wasn’t, because a battle is about tactics and you don’t cry when you lose a battle. You just learn and get better.” Kassandora closed her eyes and to hold the wetness in. And what exactly was she supposed to learn from this? That she could not talk to Allasaria as Allasaria could talk to her? Kavaa was correct. “But we both know that this is not about that.”

“What is it about?” Kassandora didn’t care what answer Kavaa would give her, any was better than the sheer nothingness in her right now.

“How am I supposed to answer that for you?” Kavaa said lightly, then sipped some of her glass. “What do you want me to say? That you feel bad? That you have a right to feel bad? That you feel good and feel bad about feeling good?” She sighed. “I’m not you Kassie, I can’t read your mind, you’re going to have to say more than just that.”

“When I said it to her…” Kassandora trailed off, then physically had to steady herself and retreat back into that source of sheer nonfeeling to continue. She stared into her wine glass as her fingers loosely held it above the blanket. She did not even have the energy to lift it up to her lips. “I said it and…” Kassandora once again found herself at a lack of words. Kavaa remained silent, as she always did. “Please Kav… say something.”

“I know you can say whatever you want to say.” Kavaa said.

“I had nothing.” Kassandora whispered the word. “Nothing whatsoever.”

Kavaa sipped her wine again and put her hand on Kassandora’s chest. “And that’s a bad thing why?” She asked.

Kassandora did not flinch from the contact, she just felt her own heart beat against Kavaa’s hand. “Why wouldn’t it be?” Kassandora asked. “I told her it specifically to make sure we would never talk of it again.”

“So you feel bad you hurt her?” Kavaa said. “Allasaria? Say it again.”

“No.” Kassandora said.

“Then you feel bad you had no reaction?”

“Mmh.” Kassandora answered.

“So again, I go back to my original point, why is that a bad thing?” Kavaa said.

“Because it is.” Kassandora said. “Because people should not act this way.” Kavaa sighed and stroked Kassandora’s tummy under the blanket. For a moment, the pair of Divines sat just like that, in the silence and listening to nothing but the shifting of cloth and the drag of skin on skin.

“Who taught you that?” Kavaa asked.

…

..

.

For a moment, Kassandora could not breathe or think or do anything more but hold her eyes wide open. Her lips trembled, her fingers closed on Kavaa’s shoulder. She shook her head. She knew exactly who taught her that. And she did not want to say it. It was so long ago that she didn’t even want to think about it. “It was a serious question Kassie.” Kavaa said. “I know what you mean because I know what it is. Do you think I cry out of joy when I heal someone who was about to die? Or that I collapse if I’m there late? Or when people beg me to try and reverse time? Or if there’s a curse that isn’t an illness and I can do nothing about it? No. It’s just…” Kavaa shrugged. Her stroking stopped.

“In one ear, out the other. Call me callous for saying it like that, but what am I supposed to do? I’ve saved more lives than every soul on this planet. My healing alone is probably what? A quarter of all death that should have happened did not happen? If we include the Clerics and my blessing, then we both know I’m responsible for the majority of all those who should have died. They’re in everything hospital, in every battalion. Everywhere.”

Kassandora mumbled out a word. “Kavaa…” She said. She blinked again to ease the blur in her eyes and realised there were no tears to dry off there.

“I’m being dead serious.” Kavaa finally pulled away and turned towards Kassandora. “You felt nothing when you told Allasaria you’re not friends and that the twin Goddesses of Victory are not there. And she cried, as she always does, and now you sit and weep because you feel bad over the fact you did not feel bad.” Those grey eyes held hers. “So who taught you that?”

They both knew the answer, didn’t they? Kavaa must have worked it out already and Kassandora knew it from the very moment that the question was posed. But she simply could not answer. “I…” Kassandora’s lie ended where it stopped. It wasn’t her. That was for certain. “I know.” Kassandora said.

“Well it wasn’t Arascus, was it?” Kavaa’s words were a slow yet definite murmur. “Because I know what he’s like.”

“It wasn’t him.” Kassandora agreed. Not the God that had claimed her as a daughter and she had accepted as a father. Who sat with her whenever they were together and whose very presence was a barrier against the stillness she was terrified off. She knew that Arascus hated seeing her like this.

“No.” Kavaa said. “Because if anything, Arascus would like you to rage and cry and feel bad about everything.” She smiled and blushed. “Did you know once, when we were in the UNN, I…” Kavaa’s blush deepened. “I shouldn’t say it, no one knows but me and him. I came back from a shift of healing. Some worker had impaled himself with rebar and they waited for me to pull it because they couldn’t do it themselves.” Kavaa sighed. “I ripped out the man’s side and regrew it, just for it to be over with.”

Kassandora didn’t know what sort of reaction Kavaa wanted. Horror? She had seen far more horrible things on the battlefield. “Well it was fast, wasn’t it?”

“Mmh.” Kavaa agreed immediately. “It was the fastest method to deal with the problem, so I did it, and then they stared at me in horror. As if regrowing a man’s side was some difficulty, or as if there was even the slightest chance of him dying when I was in the room. I had to do it though, and not to get the hospital empty but do you do know what happens when I’m too gentle?”

“What?”

“Then people stop caring if they get hurt because I’m there. Because I could gently put him to sleep, and then everyone knows they can afford to be sloppy, because Health is gentle. Or he can scream, and everyone knows there’s a price to pay.” She pulled the blanket up. “Try explaining that to someone that isn’t you or me?” Kavaa said. “What twisted logic? I couldn’t even say it to Arascus.”

“He’d understand.” Kassandora said automatically. He would though. It was how the God worked. Every problem there was, he would try to solve it.

“But it’s not his problem to deal with, it’s mine.” Kavaa said. “And then I came to where we were staying, I got drunk, I swore at him, I cried, he carried me to bed.” Kavaa sighed. “And I got so annoyed at him that I pushed into him with every intention of forgetting the day.” Kavaa chuckled and Kassandora blushed. Should it be jealousy right now? But there was none. Not because of Kavaa, but because it was Arascus. And she knew her father.

“He put you to bed, didn’t he?” Kavaa blushed.

“He told me to hold my arms up in the air, stripped me like a child, tucked me in and gave me a good night kiss on the forehead.” Kavaa said. “If I had a power to destroy, I would have annihilated him on the spot.” She burst out in laughter. “I have never, not once, felt like such a child before.” She collapsed forward, leaning her forehead on Kassandora’s. “It was sweet though. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I know.” Kassandora said. “He’s done the same for me too.”

Kavaa’s voice was a low whisper. “That’s why I know it’s not him, because he would prefer you to get angry so he can pat you on the head and feel good about what a grand job he’s doing.” She stopped talking for a moment. “It was Allasaria, wasn’t it?”

Kassandora closed her eyes and nodded. Her voice was as quiet as a mouse. “It was.”

“I fucking hate that woman.” Kavaa said immediately. “I fucking hate whatever Arascus sees in her, she’s his only mistake.” Kavaa sighed. “But likewise, Fortia and Maisara were mistakes, and look at them now, so obviously I’m not a good judge of character so whatever, this is why I’m not the boss and instead I’m just sitting here with you.”

“Thank you.” Kassandora said.

“So no Kassandora.” Kavaa said. “I told you that story because I know enough about people to know that Arascus wants to comfort you, because do you know what your father did in the fucking morning?”

“What?”

“I came out and he was up.” Kavaa said. “Of course he was, and he had tea ready, because of course he did, and then he brushed my hair. And you should have seen the stupid look on his face. And the worst part is was that he was good at it. He brushed my better than I do.”

“He brushes Fer’s hair.” Kassandora said. “All the time.”

“Do you think he doesn’t want to brush yours?” Kavaa asked. “I know that if I go up to him right now and ask him for it, he’ll tell me to dress first, and then he’ll do it, and for a few minutes, he’ll be the happiest man in the world.”

“I know.”

“So why don’t you?”

“I…” Kassandora said. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Am I speaking to Allasaria or Kassandora here?” Kavaa asked. “Because that is bullshit, and you do, and the idea of him denying you is farcical. So no, Kassandora, both of us are cursed to be at the frontlines of death and that is not a pleasant subject. Allasaria raised you but you are not her child. A Goddess of Light and hymns, whose power is so awe-inspiring she kills clean and doesn’t leave blood tried to teach the Goddess of War how to deal with the fact you walk through rivers of blood and seas of corpses.”

Kassandora took a deep breath. Phrased like that, it was farcical, wasn’t it? And Kavaa continued. “I know, because she pulled the same stunt on me in the White Pantheon. But the difference is that I’ve been a wanderer since my incarnation, and I had my Order, and I could play politics and I did not have another’s influence on me. Even in the Reconstruction Authority, it was Fortia who pulled me. Do you know what she said?”

“What?”

“That she had a job and that I had a skill and that I could take it or leave it.” Kavaa said. “And that was the grand guidance I got from an ancient. Whereas you got raised by a Goddess… How much is Allasaria older than you anyway?”

“About twenty years.” Kassandora said.

“A child raised a child.” Kavaa said and Kassandora burst out in laughter. “And now the younger feels bad that the delusions of someone who had not even experienced the First Filter yet don’t work out.” The First Filter, in Divinity, was at around a century. When all the relationships one made died off through time. Kassandora had never gone through it, she had seen her soldiers die long before then. “Excuse me for being blunt about it.”

“You’re excused.” Kassandora stared into Kavaa’s eyes. “Thank you.”

“It was obvious from the conversation when I watched you. I hate that woman.” Kassandora opened her mouth and…

And finally, after so long, she could honestly that there was something within her. It was bitter, a sharp knot in her stomach, the beginning of a headache that would never come, the remnants of acid in her throat, stones in her legs and weights tied to her wrists. “I…” Kassandora began. “I feel betrayed.” Kavaa took a deep breath.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You’ve never been betrayed?” That was a rarity even amongst Divinity.

“I’ve been scammed.” Kavaa said. “But I’m the Goddess of Health. How idiotic do you have to be to betray me?” Kassandora stared at Kavaa for a long while. What a stupid fucking answer. Just the worse. And Kassandora thought she could rely on this woman? For her sagely advice? Kavaa was younger than her anyway! Not that much younger, only two hundred years or so about, but still! The woman had missed almost all of Worldbreaking! And here she thought she could give advice?! What a fucking idiot! And she was completely correct!

“I love you.” Kassandora whispered. “You’re such an annoying know it all bitch, but I love you.” Kavaa burst out in laughter too.

“Me? I’ve never been a know it all.”

“My junior is giving me sagely advice about my own father.” Kassandora said. “What a sad state of affairs. Fucking pathetic.” She meant it. Every last word, and her tongue hurt to move. She wanted to cry and laugh and collapse and… “I don’t Allasaria. I honestly have no clue, I like her, I respect to a degree, but I hate her and I hate that I incarnated in Sythia and not alone or with someone else.” Kassandora closed her eyes and sighed. “Do you know what I hate?”

“What?”

“I don’t think I’d be alive if it wasn’t for her.” Kassandora said quietly. “If I saw myself, and I realised what I was capable of, I would execute her. Allasaria protected me until I had enough of a reputation to protect myself.” Kavaa held Kassandora’s shoulders.

“I know what to say to that.” She said.

“What?”

“That I’m not qualified whatsoever for something like that, and that you have Arascus and Fer to talk such things through.” Kassandora burst out in laughter again. What a foolish girl! Here she poured her heart out once and that was the advice!? That Kavaa couldn’t say anything.

“You’re so annoying.” Kassandora said. “I’ll talk to him then, in my own time.”

“Do.” Kavaa said. “You can keep crying to me every night though, it’s cute.”

“I will never cry to you again.”

“Then don’t.” Kavaa said. “And I won’t feel worse for it.” They stared at each other, forehead to forehead, the wine that neither had drunk forgotten, showered and undressed and obscured by the blanket. Kassandora knew what she was thinking and from Kavaa’s red cheeks, the woman was thinking the same thing.

“We’re the worst.” Kassandora said. “What a perfect moment.”

“Well you didn’t have to ruin it.” Kavaa said, not moving away. “I wish Fer was here.”

“Why exactly?”

“Because she slap us together, wouldn’t she?”

“She would.” Kassandora agreed. “But Fer is not here.”

Kavaa laughed as she held the position. “We’re the worst.”

They were, indeed, the worst. And they sat like that until their foreheads were flat. And they did not kiss. And in the morning, they dressed and Kassandora went to work. And it was a perfect night. Kassandora would not have it any other way.