Chapter 712 Post-Epilogue Chapter 27: Pedantic Predators, Protein Problems, Perplexing Petals, Plus Promising Plans for Personal Payback

School is almost over for the day. I like school. Not the lessons, usually; Purin gets bored when listening to those, but the breaks are fun! And during PE classes, Purin can play with everyone! It's super-fun!

Lunch breaks are also nice, but Purin doesn't like them much anymore, because the stupid gnawer keeps pestering Purin to eat weird things. Who does he think he is, to tell Purin what to eat! I'll show him! I'll eat only pickles today! That'll show him! Nyuhuhu!

"Hi, Purin," the cafeteria lady greets Purin. She remembers me because Purin is super cute and memorable. "What would you like today?"

"Purin will…! … Um…" I let my shoulders down and say, "Purin will have the B-menu."

I-It's not because Purin changed her mind about the pickles! It's just that we played handball during PE, and Elly Mama told Purin to eat well after exercising, so Purin has no choice! That's right! Purin can't make Elly Mama angry, right?

"Here you go."

I say "Thanks!" to the nice cafeteria lady. Oh, look! She gave Purin extra fries. She must also know that Purin needs to eat well. I will now promote her to super-nice cafeteria lady!

…

Um, what was Purin thinking about? Ah, right! Breaks! This is the lunch break, obviously, when everyone comes together to the cafeteria to eat and chat. Judy Mama says that once we go to high school, eating home-made bentos on the rooftop is an integral part of the experience, but Purin's not in high school yet, so it doesn't matter. What does, is that Purin needs to find a spot to eat, and…

"Puriiin-chaaan! Over heeere!"

"Ah! Ichiko!"

Ichiko notices me first, and she waves her hand over her head to get Purin's attention. I walk over quickly, but very carefully, making sure not to spill the extra fries from the plate. Purin would DIE if that happened. Not literally literally die, but figuratively literally. Or literally figuratively? One or the other.

Everybody's already at the table. Does that mean Purin is the last? Gasp! Is Purin a slow-poke?

…

No, that can't be. Everyone else must've been just suuuper hungry, and they got here right after the bell rang. That's the only logical explanation.

"Come on, Purin! We saved you a spot!" Xiao tells me with a big smile, so I smile back. I like Xiao. Ichiko likes her, and Purin likes Ichiko. As the saying goes, a friend of a friend is an enemy, or… wait, was it the other way around? Purin's not sure, but whatever the saying says, Purin still likes them.

"Ichiko," Kóre says, looking all grumpy. "We can't discuss the you-know-what if Purin is here."

"Ah, right…" Ichiko says and bonks her own head. "Tee-hee. Silly me."

"It's not a big problem," Pais says next and pats his sister on the shoulder. By the way, if Pais is a boy, why is he wearing a girl's uniform, like Kóre? Is this one of those 'preferences' things Judy Mama told Purin about? The ones we respect and don't ask him about? Maybe Purin should ask Papa about it instead. Papa knows everything, so he should know this too, because this is part of everything. It's only logical.

"What did you get?" Ollie asks Purin, so I show him my plate. "Just the B-menu?"

"Y-Yeah? Is there something wrong with it?" I ask and look at my food. It looks normal.

"No, just…" Ollie stops to scratch his ear. "We have all kinds of cool things on the menu, like mushroom wellington, and escargot."

"What's that?" Purin asks, and Ollie scratches his ear again. Why is his ear itchy? Did a mosquito bite him? Mosquitoes are the worst, because they kinda remind Purin of the stupid gnawer.

"I'm not sure, but it sounds really cool. Right, Fiia?"

"Hiii!"

Fiia lets out a squeak when Ollie pokes her, and she nearly jumps out of her seat. Nyuhihi. That was funny.

"What's wrong with Fiia-chan?" Ichiko asks with a fork in her hand. She's eating some kind of pasta. It looks nice, but Purin doesn't know what it's called. The B-menu is safe.

"T-There's nothing wrong," she waves her hands and says with a 'Hauu!'

"She's been high-strung ever since literature class," Kóre says, and she has the A-menu. I know that for sure, because it's also fries, but hers has chicken drumsticks. Purin's has cheese and mushrooms, because Purin doesn't like meat much.

Xiao raises her knife like sword and says, "Right, right!" and then pokes her food with it. "I didn't expect Brother Naoren to really come to our school!"

"He's a part-time substitute teacher, right?" Pais asks next, and his sister nods.

"That's what he said when he introduced himself."

"I know, I'm just reiterating," Pais pouts, and then drinks his soda to hide that he’s pouting.

"And Rinne-san is teaching here, too!" Ichiko adds with a happy smile, then she ponders, "I wonder who's going to teach in Ue-sama's school now."

"Maybe one of the arch—" Ollie starts, but then he clears his throat and mutters, "I-I mean, maybe a new substitute teacher?"

Everyone's looking at me now. Why?

…

Oooh! I get it! He almost said 'arch-mages', and now everyone's worried that Purin overheard, because it's supposed to be a secret. Nyuhuhu. Ollie almost made a blunderous blunder, but Purin will now graciously save him by saying, "Sorry, I wasn't listening. What was that about Mrs Feilong?"

"We were…" Xiao speaks up, then stops, and then starts again with all sorts of gusto. "I'm just worried about how Senior Brother Naoren and Senior Sister Rinne are doing in a new school!"

"I'm sure Mr Feilong is doing well," Kóre says, sounding a little disinterested. "He only has to teach a few classes, right?"

"Yes, that's what he told us," Pais says, and this time Kóre squints at him.

"I know. I'm also just reiterating."

She tries to look not-sulky, but she really is. They really are alike, aren’t they?

"Mrs Feilong should have no problem, right?" Ollie interjects. "She taught classes in my big sis's school, and everyone loved her there. She also looks really nice and friendly, right, Fiia?"

"Hiii!"

Nyuhihi. Fiia squeaks again. She's funny.

"I-I-I don't know about that," she mutters and starts eating in a hurry.

"But it's so romantic, right?" Xiao says all of a sudden, making everyone look at her. "Senior Brother and Senior Sister just came home from their honeymoon, and they both came here to work together!"

"Right, right!" Ichiko agrees, and since she does, I nod along, even though I don't know what Xiao really means. Ah, let's ask!

"What does 'romantic' mean?" I ask, but everyone's looking at me funny, so Purin quickly adds, "I mean, what makes them working together romantic?"

"It's because…" Pais starts, but he doesn't seem to know for sure either.

"I-Is it because…" Fiia speaks up for the first time, and she taps her fingers together. "It's like, they like each other so much they are inseparable?"

"Right! They are working together because they like each other very, very much," Ollie insists, but Purin's not sure. I mean, I'm working with the stupid gnawer all the time, but it’s to help Papa and my Mamas, not because I like him. Purin hates him, actually. That means working together probably isn't romantic, but Purin doesn't want to start an argument, so Purin just nods like she agrees.

Everyone fidgets for some reason, so I take it upon myself to keep the conversation going, like Papa taught me, and I say, "We have math and geography classes left, right? Uuu… I don't like math."

Everyone nods in agreement, but they don't know that Purin already knew they would react this way. Because Purin is a nefarious infiltrator whose job is to spread chaos and stuff, so Purin naturally knows everyone's strengths and weaknesses, because that's Purin's job. And they don't suspect a thing. Nyuhuhu!

"Math's the worst," Xiao says with a frown, and Ichiko agrees.

"It is a little boring, but we'll need it for the future," Pais tells us, and everyone agrees. Very grudgingly. "And it's the last mathematics class for the week. It'll be over quick."

"Yes, and then we can go and…" Fiia starts, but then she covers her mouth.

"And then what?" Purin asks, and everyone's getting awkward again.

"Lunch break is over soon." Kóre points at the clock on the wall. Gasp! It's really late. "We should hurry up."

"R-Right!" Ollie agrees, and we all start eating fast.

Nyuuu! What was that about? Are they holding out on Purin? Is it a…

…

Oooh! They must be going on a magical girl adventure! Right, right. That makes sense. But Purin's now curious! Why didn't Papa tell me about it? Is it a secret? A secret adventure? Nyuuu! That only makes Purin more curious… but I'm also very mature and responsible, so I pretend I don't care and finish eating. I only pretend, though. Because I still care. I care a lot.

Then the break is over, and we go back to the classrooms. Pais was right; the math class is over super-quick, but the geography one is extra-boring. I still pay attention to all the longitudes and the latitudes and stuff, because Elly Mama gets mad if I slack off, and nobody wants that. When the classes are over, Purin says bye-bye to everyone and heads home, but not really.

Purin loves to stay with Elly Mama, but Purin's under the cover, and it would be bad if someone recognized me at Elly Mama's big house, so Papa made me a fake house. Except, it's not a house; it's a flat. I have no idea why it's called that, because it isn't really flat, but Papa called it that, and Papa knows best, so Purin won't argue. It's in this biiig building, on the sixth floor, and I ride the lift up there, then open the door with my very own key, and then…

"Heeey! Stupid gnawer?" I say as I barge into the big room, and he glares at Purin.

"Didn't I tell you to knock when you enter, pest?" he says, looking all growly and stuff. I really, really wanna punch him, but Purin has great self-control, so I don't.

The gnawer is sitting in a big chair with tiny wheels and big armrests that makes him look even tinier than usual. He also has one of those small computer things on a desk. Not the kind that Papa has, but the sort that has the typing part attached to the screen part so you can put it on your lap and stuff. There's nothing else in the room, just those things.

Not even a bed, because the gnawer says he doesn't need to sleep, which is dumb. Purin doesn't need to sleep either, but I still love sleeping, because that's when I can meet Mom and Dad. And Grandma. Oh, and Oriole and Obsidius and… and everyone! The gnawer just sits here and plinks-plonks on the lap of his top all day, because he has no friends. Because he's boring. Oh, and the worst. Can't forget about that.

"What are you doing?" Purin asks, because Purin is very nice and polite, but the gnawer rolls his eyes. Super-rude! No, ultra-super-rude!

"Just the usual," he says, then squints at Purin. "What do you want?"

"Take me to the super-secret secret spot!" I tell him, and this time he groans. Omega-ultra-super-rude!

"I told you that's redundant, and… Why do I even bother?"

"Because you made a deal with Papa, 'cause we can't always bother Papa to take me there," I tell him very nicely and helpfully.

"That wasn't what I meant when I said…" The gnawer trails off, and he turns around on his twirly chair. "Let me finish writing this, and then I'll transport you."

"Good," I say, but then I realize that I have nothing to do in the empty room, so Purin walks up to the gnawer's desk to pass the time.

He's been on this internet thing all the time lately. He said it's because directly observing humans is showing diminishing returns, so he asked Papa for a way to access information about the broader socio-economic structures of human society. See? Purin can discuss difficult topics like that! Or, at least knows what they mean! Mostly!

Except…

"Why are there so many flowers on the screen?"

Purin's question makes the gnawer stop poking the keyboard, and he turns in the twirly chair again.

"It is none of your business, but if you really want to know, I'm simply investigating the food chain."

"Yes, but why flowers?"

"Plant life is an essential bedrock of the current ecosystem. If not for their chlorophyllous metabolism synthesizing the complex carbohydrates necessary for storing energy derived from the sun, there would be no herbivora, and therefore carnivora would have nothing to predate. It’s all very self-evident."

"Yes, but… why flowers?"

“I just told you. My interest in plant life is entirely related to their role in the food chain. Nothing more.”

“But… flowers…?”

He grimaces at me, and then closes the lid of his internet machine and grabs Purin's hand.

"My explanation is wasted on the likes of you. Come." He drags Purin to the other side of the empty room, then stops and looks over. "But speaking of predation and consumption, have you eaten properly?"

"I-It's none of your business, but if you really want to know, I ate a proper B-menu! Also, Ichiko gave me a whole box of Japanese candies and snacks! She got them from her little sister, who's much bigger than her, and she's our PE teacher now, and—"

"Did any of that contain any meat?"

"N-No?"

He squints his eyes at Purin and says, "I keep telling you, but you have Defined yourself into the Simulacrum as a biological life form, and therefore you are subject to the metabolic requirements of your corporeal form." When I don't answer right away, he squints even harder at Purin. "In simpler terms, you need more protein in your diet."

"No, I don't," I object and squeeze his hand really, really hard, but he pretends it doesn’t hurt. "And what does it matter to you, anyway?"

"It's because…" he starts, then stops, starts again, and ultimately just waves his other hand and opens up one of his creepy mouth-tunnel thingies.

"Wait! You didn't answer my—"

Before I can finish, he pulls me through the hole, and now we're in the fairy-tale land that Judy Mama and the others made. There's a cute cottage on a hill surrounded by sunflowers, and that's where Purin usually stays when I can't stay at Elly Mama's house. I mean, the cottage, not the sunflower field! That would be just weird!

The gnawer lets go of my hand and dusts off his palm, like he just touched something dirty. Omega-Ultra-Hyper-Mega-Super-Rude! Purin makes sure that nobody's looking, and when everything seems clear, I get ready to punch him in his annoying face, but then he turns to Purin.

"Fine. Since Sol dragged me into this so-called pseudo-scenario, and its success is dependent on your performance, it would reflect poorly on me if you failed your tasks because of something as utterly inane as malnutrition or anemia. I shall investigate alternative sources of protein and matching meals. Prepare yourself."

I'm so surprised, I forget to punch him, and then he goes through the mouth portal thingie and disappears! Argh! Purin hates him so much! And why must he always get the last word, anyway? He's just the worst!

But then, as I turn around and walk towards the cottage, I start to wonder again. Why flowers? What was he interneting back there? Hm. The gnawer is always bothering Purin about meat. Flowers aren't made of meat, so he probably doesn't like them. All that talk about the metabolisms this and the carbo-somethings that was probably just to distract Purin. In fact, I bet he really hates flowers. Like, maybe he was researching how to avoid them, or something. But then…

"Nyuhuhu…"

Purin got an idea. A devious idea. Purin got a wonderfully devious idea! I will have my revenge! My vengeance, even! Nyuhuhuhuhu—

"Is that you, Purin?"

Ah! I was so immersed in my devious plans of revengeance that I didn't notice that Ammy was already in the cottage!

"Hi!" I greet her, and she nods back to me. She's sitting at the table in the middle room, in her school clothes, and she has a bunch of books in front of her.

The inside of the house is really nice. My Mamas made it just for Purin, with Uncle Fulgor, so everything's super-comfy and really convenient. Ammy comes here often too, when she's planning her magical girling, because nobody bothers her here. This is our very own secret hideout! Like Papa's, except smaller and cozier and quieter. There are much less people too. Only us, and Papa, and my Mamas, and Uncle Fulgor and Grandma Carmine come by from time to time. That’s not a few, but much less many than aaall the people underground, where most of me is.

Oh, and the fairies. The ones that fly all over the place. They aren't really fairies, just shinies in the air, but this is a fairy-tale secret hideout cottage, so it must have fairies, right? They usually only come around when Judy Mama's here. They like her.

"Is school over already?" Ammy asks, and I nod as I come over.

"Yes! I couldn't hang out with… I-I mean, spy on Ichiko and Ollie and the others, because they were planning to go somewhere together, so I came here right away." I put my bag on an empty chair and take out a colorful box. "Candies?"

Ammy smiles at me. She's pretty when she smiles, but she usually only frowns. It's a shame.

"Why, thank you," she says and, after browsing for a bit, she picks out the… Aw! I wanted to try that one first! But since Purin's very nice and mature, Purin won't complain and lets Ammy eat the— "On second thought, how about this one?"

She picks a different snack and eats it. Phew!

"What are you doing today?" I ask while putting a box aside very sneakily and inconspicuously, and after licking the sugar off her fingertip, Ammy gestures towards the books.

"I'm going over the script one more time. Leo… I mean, you 'papa' really likes to play with destiny improvisationally, so someone has to keep the records and at least try to follow logic and the scientific method."

"Oh, I see," I say. So she writes down everything so Papa doesn't have to. Ammy is really nice.

"It's not like there's much else to do today, other than this," she says and taps her pencil on some papers. "Everyone decided to finally continue the scenario, but we don't have a role in it today."

"Huh? So… are the others going on a magical girl adventure today?! Why didn't anyone tell me!?"

Ammy looks at me funny and then taps her pencil again.

"I just said it, but we don't have a role in today's events. It's supposed to be Éolienne and Fiia recovering the first scattered legacy of the Sonnenwenderetter. If I'm always with them, then destiny won't be able to properly guide them. Also, something about the mentor character being too involved in too many battles being a red flag, or a trope of some sort. That's how Leo put it, but I think we're mostly on the same page." She then points the rubbery end of the pencil to me and pokes my nose. "As for you, they aren't meant to face serious obstacles today, so Tapioca Schwartz isn't meant to appear."

"Oh, okay," I say, but I'm still a bit sad. If I knew the others were going to have a fun adventure, I should've followed them all sneaky-like to watch. Nyuuu… Why can't Purin look at things from afar like Papa? I don't know how to do it, and I can't even practice, because then Papa pokes Purin's forehead and tells her to stop narrating, because it's distracting. I don't even know what that means!

Ammy looks at me, then at her papers, and then says, "I was just about to take a break. We've got some cheesecake in the fridge. Would you like some?"

"Of course!"

She gets up from the table, and we both go to the kitchen, to the magical fridge! It's running without electricity, and whenever we aren't looking, it gets magically refilled with yummy things! Papa says it's 'those darn invisible maid ninjas acting up again'. Purin doesn't know what that means either, but it doesn't matter. If everyone else is getting to have a cool magical girl adventure, then Purin deserves at least some cheesecake! It's only fair!

…

And then maybe I'll practice that afar-looking thing again. Just a little...