Chapter 1754: Living for Yourself
Chapter 1754: Living for Yourself
Jocelynn’s heart hammered in her chest as Nyrielle stared deeply into her eyes from inches away, and for perhaps the first time since they’d met, Jocelynn felt truly, deeply afraid of the Harbinger of Death.
In the courtyard, she’d been the most beautiful, most enchanting woman Jocelynn had ever seen. The sight of her was so captivating that it took her breath away. In the corridor and in the gallery, she’d almost been able to think of her as a great lady or queen... Elegant, intelligent, even wise. She’d reminded Jocelynn of her tutors back in Blackwell.
But now, standing just inches away with eyes like the night sky, she no longer felt human. She felt like the embodiment of death, and the longer Jocelynn looked into her eyes, the weaker her knees felt and the more her heart raced.
Run.
Every instinct in her body told her to run from this place, as fast as she could. To escape the predator looming over her and flee as far away as her feet would carry her.
But running was pointless, even if she wouldn’t have gotten lost in the darkness outside the gallery. Nyrielle was too fast. Too powerful to escape.
Hide.
If she couldn’t run, she should hide, but that wouldn’t do her any good either. There was nowhere to hide in the gallery, and even if she made it to the dark labyrinth outside, she was certain those midnight eyes would still see her, even in the darkness.
She couldn’t run and she couldn’t hide but... She refused to let this be her end. Like a ship breaking free from ice in the cold northern waters, her mind finally began to move, and she did the only thing she thought had a chance of saving her life... she gave up.
"Go ahead," Jocelynn said, turning her head to the side and offering up her neck to the vampire. "If you want to send me away so my sister doesn’t have to see me die, then kill me now, so she never sees me again," she said.
"Because if you want to keep me away from her," Jocelynn said, swallowing heavily to keep her voice from shaking. "If you want to keep me away from her, you’re going to have to kill me. And then, then I’ll find her in my next life, or the one after that, or the one after that..." she said as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.
Jocelynn’s hands curled into small fists, and her nails bit into her palms hard enough to form deep, red crescents in her flesh, but she refused to move from the spot where she stood. She couldn’t look at Nyrielle, not even out of the corner of her eyes, but she could at least stay right here, on this spot, and make her stand.
"Go ahead and kill me," Jocelynn said. "But she’ll never forgive you for it. She’ll never forgive you for keeping us apart, and if you loved her, you’d know that," Jocelynn added.
"I do love her," Nyrielle said, tracing the sharpened tips of her fingernails lightly along the delicate curve of Jocelynn’s tender neck. "In ways you cannot understand. I’ve protected her from herself before," Nyrielle added, gripping Jocelynn’s chin in fingers that held the strength of an iron vice and turning her head back so she could look into Jocelynn’s eyes once more.
"My darling and I will have an eternity together," Nyrielle added. "Eventually, she will forgive me. Eventually, she will forget. It’s only a matter of time."
"You’re wrong," Jocelynn said, feeling like the ground beneath her feet had grown firmer as her legs stopped trembling. "If you keep me away from her, or you kill me, she’ll never forgive you, and she’ll avenge me."
"That’s why you haven’t killed me yet," Jocelynn said defiantly. "You know you can’t hurt me without hurting her so badly that she’d never forgive you. You want me to accept being sent away because you can’t do anything to me... You’re just trying to frighten me into leaving her, but I won’t. I won’t leave her until I’ve made things right, whatever it takes..."
"Congratulations," Nyrielle said as the darkness faded from her eyes and the night sky held within them melted away, leaving eyes that were simply dark and beautiful without being otherworldly. "You have held a knife to your own neck and threatened me with your sister’s pain to stay my hand," Nyrielle said as if Jocelynn’s actions were deserving of some sort of praise.
"That takes a measure of courage," she said, letting go of Jocelynn’s chin. "But it still speaks of a blatant disregard for your own life," she added with a heavy sigh. "You still can’t become her Olive Witch like this. This is no different from your determination to kill Owain even if it cost your life. Deep down, you still want to die," Nyrielle said.
Nyrielle drew a delicate, silver-hilted blade from a sheath at her waist, spun it in her fingers, and offered it to Jocelynn hilt-first.
"A blade like this could strike even a vampire down," Nyrielle said. "Go ahead. Take it and protect your sister from my cruelty. Or spill your own blood and put an end to your misery," she said in a voice that rippled with the faintest amount of power, caressing the corners of Jocelynn’s mind just enough to ensure Jocelynn understood that the offer was real.
If she wanted to, she really could take the blade and plunge it into Nyrielle’s heart... or her own. She could put an end to things, one way or another. Here in the dim light of the gallery, no one would hear her or stop her. She could kill Nyrielle and rush back to Ashlynn’s side or... or she could turn the knife on herself and no one would stop her. She could finally, truly, make an end to things...
"You won’t do it, will you?" Nyrielle asked rhetorically a moment later when Jocelynn made no move to touch the knife. "Something is holding you back from crossing that line," she said, tucking the knife away. "You yearn for death, but you refuse to take your own life. You’ll throw your life away, but you aren’t in so much pain that the knife is a release..."
"I can’t die yet," Jocelynn said stubbornly. "Not until I’ve made it up to Ash and, and made it up to Eleanor too. Even if it hurts to go on, I, I owe them both so much," she said.
"That’s not good enough, Jocelynn," Nyrielle said softly. "It’s enough to keep you alive when everything is safe and calm, but you’re dancing on the edge of a cliff. If the ground shakes beneath your feet, if something ever tests your resolve, you’ll tumble over the edge."
"It’s not enough to live for someone else," Nyrielle said. "And vague hopes and desires aren’t enough to save you from yourself. You still can’t even explain what it means to make things up to your sister or your cousin, and even if you could, it’s not reason enough to go on living."
"Tell me, Jocelynn," Nyrielle asked. "What do you actually want for yourself? What do you need so badly that it’s worth living beyond the day you’ve paid your debts? Because if you can at least answer that, you might still have a chance..."