Chapter 69: Panic

Chapter 69: Chapter 69: Panic

Marian walked away from the garden.

Calmly.

Gracefully.

With every ounce of dignity expected from the future Crown Princess.

At least until she reached the corner.

The moment Cassian disappeared from sight, all dignity immediately abandoned her.

"Oh, God."

She covered her face with both hands.

Then kept walking.

Fast.

Very fast.

"Oh, God."

The words escaped again.

Marian lowered her hands just long enough to make sure nobody was nearby.

Then immediately covered her face again.

What had she done?

No.

Better question.

What had possessed her?

She groaned.

The sound would have horrified every etiquette instructor she had ever known.

"If I walk away from that future, am I walking toward you?"

The memory arrived with perfect clarity.

Marian nearly tripped over absolutely nothing.

"No."

She pointed accusingly at the nearest tree.

"No. We are not repeating that."

Unfortunately, her memory ignored the instruction.

The words replayed anyway.

Word for word.

Marian made a strangled sound.

Then walked even faster.

Because apparently humiliation could be relived repeatedly.

Who said things like that?

Who?

Certainly not sane people.

And definitely not women attempting to preserve their dignity.

Marian buried her face in her hands again.

"Oh, God."

Because now she realized something even worse.

Cassian understood exactly what she meant.

Every word.

Every implication.

Every terrifying possibility.

She had not confessed.

Technically.

And yet somehow she had managed to say something infinitely more dangerous.

Because she had not placed her feelings in his hands.

She had placed her future there.

Marian stopped walking.

Then immediately resumed walking because standing still was not helping.

Neither was thinking.

Unfortunately she seemed incapable of stopping either.

By the time she reached her room, she was prepared to spend the remainder of her life hiding beneath a blanket.

The plan seemed reasonable.

She entered.

Closed the door.

Then immediately buried her face in a pillow.

"This is your fault."

The pillow offered no defense.

Marian glared at it anyway.

Then groaned again.

Because there was nobody else to blame.

She had said the words.

Voluntarily.

With her own mouth.

The realization was deeply upsetting.

And strangely wonderful.

That was the worst part.

Because beneath the embarrassment.

Beneath the panic.

Beneath the overwhelming desire to disappear forever.

There was relief.

For months she had carried those thoughts alone.

Questions.

Doubts.

Fears.

What if?

What if?

What if?

Today she had finally stopped asking herself.

And asked him instead.

The realization made her stomach flip.

Marian immediately buried her face in the pillow again.

"No."

The pillow remained unsympathetic.

--

Meanwhile, Cassian Ashford remained standing exactly where Marian had left him.

Which was unfortunate.

Because he was supposed to be thinking.

Instead he appeared to be staring at absolutely nothing.

A highly unproductive activity.

"Am I walking toward you?"

The words replayed again.

And again.

And again.

Cassian closed his eyes.

That had actually happened.

Marian had actually said that.

The realization remained difficult to process.

Not because he doubted her.

Because he didn’t.

Not after that.

Not anymore.

For months Cassian had wondered.

Carefully.

Cautiously.

Never allowing himself too much hope.

Never allowing himself to assume.

Never allowing himself to imagine.

Today Marian had destroyed all of that.

Completely.

Thoroughly.

Without even realizing it.

For a moment, Cassian simply stood there.

Because there was another realization he had not yet allowed himself to examine.

Marian had chosen him.

The thought felt absurd.

Impossible.

Yet there it was.

Not a guess.

Not a hope.

Not wishful thinking.

A fact.

Out of everyone she could have turned to.

Out of every future available to her.

Out of every man in the Empire.

She had looked at him.

Him.

And asked whether he would be there.

The realization sent a strange warmth through his chest.

Part astonishment.

Part disbelief.

And, if he was being completely honest, a dangerous amount of satisfaction.

Not because Marian admired him.

Because Marian knew him.

And had chosen him anyway.

A laugh escaped him.

Soft.

Disbelieving.

Because suddenly an image returned to him.

Not the conversation.

The aftermath.

Marian walking away.

At first calm.

Composed.

Elegant.

Then reaching the corner.

Then very obviously fleeing.

Cassian laughed again.

A real laugh this time.

Because for ten minutes she had stood before him looking brave enough to challenge fate itself.

Then immediately panicked the moment she escaped.

The realization warmed something inside his chest.

Because beneath the courage.

Beneath the intelligence.

Beneath the determination.

She was still Marian.

And somehow that made him like her even more.

Which was a problem.

A very serious problem.

Because he was already in enough trouble.

The smile faded slowly.

As reality returned.

Because there had been another part.

The important part.

The dangerous part.

If I walk away from that future...

Am I walking toward you?

Cassian looked toward the distant hunting lodge.

Toward the room where Marian was undoubtedly hiding from her own embarrassment.

And for the first time, he truly understood what she had given him.

Trust.

Not affection.

Not attraction.

Trust.

The kind that could alter lives.

The kind that could destroy them.

And now she was waiting for an answer.

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

But eventually.

The realization settled heavily inside his chest.

Because Marian had spent months preparing herself for that question.

He had spent months avoiding it.

And now avoidance was no longer an option.

--

That evening Cassian attempted to read.

This failed immediately.

The book remained open.

The same page.

For nearly twenty minutes.

At one point he became aware that he had not actually read a single sentence.

An embarrassing discovery.

He closed the book.

Then leaned back in his chair.

And stared at the ceiling.

Because there was no point pretending anymore.

The answer to Marian’s question mattered.

More than anything else.

And for the first time, Cassian allowed himself to imagine it.

Not the feelings.

Not the attraction.

The future.

A real one.

Marian beside him.

Years from now.

Not as a possibility.

As a choice.

The image arrived so naturally that it startled him.

Because he had expected uncertainty.

Expected hesitation.

Expected doubt.

Instead he found himself wondering something entirely different.

Not whether he wanted that future.

But whether he was brave enough to reach for it.

The realization lingered long after darkness settled outside his window.

And somewhere else in the hunting lodge, Marian was probably still trying very hard not to remember what she had said.

A completely hopeless effort.

Cassian smiled despite himself.

Then looked out into the night.

And wondered whether, for the first time in his life, his heart had already made a decision before the rest of him managed to catch up.

--

AN: the Chapter where i was smiling all the way.