Chapter 1: Entrance Ceremony?

Urban legends...are usually born out of human desperation for meaning.

People want to believe the government keeps aliens in the desert, or that a hidden code can unlock a secret ending in a game, because the alternative is accepting that the world is chaotic, arbitrary, and fundamentally boring.

Then there is a different breed of urban legend. The kind born not from wishful thinking, but from pure, unadulterated human malice.

If you crawl deep enough into the rotten sub-threads of obscure gaming forums, you’ll hear rumors of a specific hyper-niche anomaly: the Trash-Game Reaper.

Legend speaks of an elusive, digital phantom who doesn’t waste time reviewing masterpiece triple-A titles or indie darlings.

No~! this degenerate savior targets the absolute bottom of the barrel: zero-budget online eroge.

They say he’s an unhinged, jobless zealot who plays these atrocious adult games not for the titillation, but purely to tear their writing down to the atom.

They say his rage is so precise that developers have deleted their accounts after a single one of his reviews.

They say he has never lost an argument, never skipped a line of terrible dialogue, and never spent a single dollar on a microtransaction.

He is the stuff of developer nightmares... a mythic hater floating through the ether of the web.

.....

It’s a hilarious story. A laughable premise.

Because who in their right mind would dedicate their youth to aggressively litigating the plot flaws of pixelated porn games?

Except the legend is real. No one knows his face—and this is yet another factor that accelerates the growth of an urban legend.

—And so.

—It’s time for an introduction.

This is it. The uncontested king of internet trolling.

The degenerate savior who continues to review-bomb trash games—in the

flesh—!

...

—Ryan

[... The game is trash, but it’s a fucking hot game. Honestly, what does an eroge need gameplay for? If it gets you horny, that’s all that matters. But that’s exactly why it’s more infuriating. The sex scenes are ridiculously hot. The female characters are nonsensical perverts, sure, but it’s an eroge, so that’s fine. But fuck, the protagonist’s intelligence is on chimpanzee level. And the story... if you can’t write a story, just half-ass it. The sex scenes are hot as fuck, but the process of getting to them is a fucking tumor. And the protagonist, Yaze Orpheus, is just...]

"Hoo."

After finishing the game review I’d been writing as a hobby for years, I stretched my sore body.

What started as a hobby eventually turned into a job.

Sometimes I get ads and make some money.

The initial passion was long gone.

No matter how much you love something, once it becomes a job, you start to hate it.

But every now and then, a game comes along that reignites that old passion, like the one I reviewed today.

"Goddamn, I’m so fucking pissed."

’I thought, ’Finally, a masterpiece that’ll make my balls clap like a seal—!’ But after playing it, I wanted to puke.

The sex scenes are hot, but you have to grind through a shitty RPG for three hours just to see one.

Soon after, comments agreeing with my review started pouring in.

"I agree. The gameplay is trash, but it still got me horny," and similar stuff.

’Yeah, even Buddha would have to admit this.’

One comment caught my eye.

[god6974]: "LMAO. What, you think you’d do any better as the protag? The story carries this game, dude."

Normally, I wouldn’t respond to dumb bait like that, but I was still pissed at the devs for ruining such hot heroines. So I replied in anger.

[Me]: "If I were the protagonist, no joke, I’d be fucking every heroine in sight."

[god6974]: "Wanna bet?"

[Me]: "Bet what, dumbass? Go work on yourself or something."

The dude replied instantly, like he’d been waiting for me to respond. Definitely an attention-seeking fuck.

I blocked him before he could say more and flopped onto my bed.

Instead of wasting time on clowns like that, I needed to figure out what game to review tomorrow.

Ding~!

’Who the fuck is texting me this late?’

I barely get texts since I blocked every ad account and have no friends to text me.

[You gonna take the bet or not? Make up your mind.]

The sender was [god6974].

’Who the fuck...?’

The name from the review section popped into my head.

’Isn’t that the dumbass from earlier?’

I don’t have any friends who’d pull a prank like this. And my family doesn’t even know I write porn game reviews.

[god6974]: [Ignore me one more time and you’ll regret it.]

[Me]: [Who the fuck are you? Keep this up and I’m reporting you.]

I was gonna report him either way.

Not that I expected the cyber police to do much, but what else could I do?

[god6974]: [Come on. Bet with me. Think you can do better than the protagonist?]

[Me]: [Fuck off. I’m reporting you.]

I was a little nervous, but the sheer ridiculousness of the situation made me relax.

Imagine being so obsessed with a game that you harass some random reviewer.

What a loser.

I saw a glimpse of our country’s doomed future in that one comment. Not worth my time.

Getting stalked like this probably meant I’d gotten famous. Maybe not a bad thing.

’I’ll report him first thing tomorrow.’

I put my phone down and closed my eyes, thinking about tomorrow’s game plan.

*

"...Excuse me? Hello?"

Tap, tap.

’Fuck off. I’m sleeping—!’

"Hey. I don’t think you should be sleeping here."

’I’ll sleep if I want to—wait, what?’

I was in my studio apartment when I fell asleep, but now some girl was waking me up.

My mind snapped awake.

In front of me stood a cute girl who looked vaguely familiar.

"Who sleeps during an entrance ceremony? Were you too nervous to sleep last night?"

Entrance ceremony?

I looked around. I was in a massive auditorium filled with students in matching uniforms. The upper levels were packed too.

Nearby students were glaring at me.

A floating text above the stage read: [32nd Primrose Academy Entrance Ceremony].

Floating. Not a banner—actual floating letters.

"What the fuck..."

I went to bed in my apartment and woke up here.

And the place felt familiar.

Then I remembered last night: that internet troll obsessed with [Eroge Online], a porn game.

[Next, we will hear the freshman representative’s speech and oath.]

"..."

I glanced down.

A name tag clipped to my chest read "Yaze Orpheus."

Whoa~!

The floating text, the familiar uniforms, the heroines I’d seen in the game...

I’d somehow become the protagonist of [Eroge Online].

’What the actual fuck.’

Scanning the crowd, I recognized faces from the game: Ivy, Iris, Ezra, Nam Daeun... all heroines from [Eroge Online].

[Freshman representative, please come up to the stage.]

The ceremony continued, regardless of my existential crisis.

A blonde girl stood from the front row and walked to the stage.

Her long hair shimmered with each step, her pale skin like fresh snow. Her confident eyes radiated arrogance.

Her tits bounced slightly with each step, and her round, firm ass swayed with hypnotic allure.

"Whoa, is the top student a foreigner?"

"She’s the daughter of some foreign mega-guild. Apparently, she aced the written exam."

"...Hot and smart. What a combo."

The auditorium buzzed as the girl reached the podium.

That was Ezra, daughter of a guild leader and one of the main heroines.

She unfolded the speech on the podium.

"Good morning, fellow students and parents..."

Typical stuff.

"Now, the oath."

I wanted to get up and figure out what the hell was happening, but I stayed put.

[That concludes the 32nd Primrose Academy Entrance Ceremony. Thank you for your attendance.]

The students scattered afterward.

I quickly headed to the dormitory.

*

I tapped my smart watch against the door sensor and entered.

The dorm was way bigger than my old apartment.

I tossed my uniform onto a chair and flopped onto the white bed.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

I pinched my cheek. It hurts. Not a dream.

My reflection in the mirror showed Yaze Orpheus’ face.

"..."

I thought ’status window’ in my head.

--------------------

[Yaze Orpheus]

▶ Strength: 34

▶ Stamina: 35

▶ Agility: 30

▶ Endurance: 34

▶ Magic: 36

- Unique Ability: Combat Sense

- Skills: None

???: ???

--------------------

Holy shit. Status window.

’Combat Sense’ was Yaze Orpheus’s signature ability.

I was officially a porn game protagonist.

"Hmm..."

Wasn’t this actually a good thing?

I was hot as hell, with a top-tier combat ability.

No downsides so far.

Ding~!

My smart watch vibrated.

[Yaze Orpheus, you are assigned to Class A. Please report to the first-year building, Class A, by 9 AM tomorrow.]

Class A—the same as in the game, packed with important characters, mostly ladies, obviously.

"Let’s hit the shower and think this through."

I stripped and jumped into the shower. Afterward, I threw on some casual clothes from the closet.

Toweling my hair dry, I stepped out.

"Huh?"

An unfamiliar envelope lay

on my desk.

’That wasn’t there before.’

I picked it up. A plain, sealed envelope with no markings.

"Must’ve missed it earlier."

Probably just dorm rules. I’d been too distracted to notice it.

I tore the seal open.

Light and letters poured out and rearranged themselves in midair.

***