Chapter 1. Death by Plushies... The Dumbest Way to Leave the Mortal World, Allegedly

Chapter 1: 1. Death by Plushies... The Dumbest Way to Leave the Mortal World, Allegedly

Yo! The name’s Leon. The main character, of course, hahaha!

No... not the Leon who always aura farming in a zombie apocalypse... well, let’s say that this Leon, you know, is not the better one because of how big of a douchebag that he is.

Who am I to complain or refuse that fact? It is! I’m a douchebag that loves to get laid every day and every night with tons of different women that I’ve just met.

Yes, they’re virgins and no... I don’t take any bitches, especially when their holes are already used. Yuck, but milfs are an exception, though. Especially when they still have partners! Gotta love breaking them!

Anyway... the main point about getting laid or having good sex is when the women agreed to my biggest fetish, which was cosplaying as a beastwoman, like having wolf ears, cat ears, dog ears, you name it... all sorts of those HOT stuff, alright?

That’s my life... having a job that was selling my porn videos with those women who cosplayed as beastwomen and then got tons of easy fucking money!

Life was good, alright, but every life has an end. And that end was not what I was expecting to come so soon.

Fuck man... I still wanted to fuck those women with their beastwomen cosplay, and I fucking know that I won’t enjoy the afterlife. Bet it’s going to be hell for me, but WAIT! What if there’s a succubus, an oni, or a fucking SEXY DEMON!?

I’ll just have to find that out myself... apparently...

...

I woke up face down in a snowdrift, and the first thing I realized was that I could no longer feel my balls.

That was a serious fucking problem, alright, because those two were basically the founding members of my personality. And I don’t want to be a woman... that’s worse.

But then... A voice was droning somewhere inside my skull, flat and polite like a customer service representative reciting a script.

’Warning! Host body temperature is dropping!’

’Warning! Host stamina is critically low!’

’Warning! Host is advised to stop lying in the snow!’

"I know I’m lying in the snow, you useless piece of shit," I mumbled into a mouthful of ice. "Why the fuck am I lying in the snow in the first place...?"

"There’s no fucking way that this is hell... does hell even have snow as cold as this?!"

The voice said nothing, which I took as a sign it was judging me. I pushed myself up on shaking arms and saw a white wasteland in every direction, with a blizzard screaming across it like it had a personal grudge.

"Whoa... what the fuck...?" I was confused seeing the whole thing in front of me, and I know that this ain’t no hell.

Then I noticed that my clothes were a ragged set of leather and wool that looked like they had lost a fight with a pack of wild dogs. And what’s even worse is that my fingers had gone the color of old candle wax.

"Ah shit... don’t tell me this is what I think it is..."

This was not how I expected the afterlife to treat a man who had always gotten what he wanted.

Because yes, I was dead... I remembered that part as one of the most horrifying shits that I don’t want to face for the second time, and honestly, it was one of the dumbest ways anyone had ever left the world.

Again... My name was Leon, and in my previous life I was what polite people called a "complicated man" and what everyone else called a piece of garbage.

I bullied people in school, and I kept up the habit well into adulthood. Bullying people here also included stealing my victims’ most precious possessions, such as their girlfriends and even their mothers.

I also went through women like a man speed-running a buffet, and I had a very specific fetish that I never apologized for... I loved beastwomen, and don’t you fucking dare judge me about that!

I mean... can you blame them for those fox ears, wolf tails, cat costumes, bunny headbands, you name it, I would happily spend a month’s salary on it.

Since real ones didn’t exist, I convinced many grown women to put on fake ears and fluffy tails for me, and the shameful part is that most of them agreed. Well, they’re all charmed with my appearance, of course, and my sex skill is something that you can’t underestimate.

Especially my massive cock. And I have an unlimited supply of seeds inside my large testicles.

I still remember the best night of my life, when three of them were in my apartment at the same time. One wore a fox tail, one wore a wolf headband, and one wore a cat outfit that was frankly too small for her.

It was a good ol’ foursome, where I arranged the three of them on my couch as if I were selecting characters in a fighting game, instructing them to tilt their heads slightly to the left.

None of them knew about the others. That was my first mistake, and my second mistake was the doorbell...

It turned out the cat girl had a husband who didn’t like me, and the fox girl had a boyfriend who liked me even less.

When the pounding on my door started, I did what any brave man would do. I climbed out of the bathroom window with my pants in one hand and a stolen cat-ear headband still stuck on my head.

I fell two floors onto a parked scooter, bounced off it, rolled into the street, and got flattened by a delivery truck.

The truck was carrying stuffed animals. I found that out later, from the perplexed paramedics, and it was the last piece of information I ever received before everything went dark.

I died as a man obsessed with beastwomen, wearing a cat headband, and got fucking covered in plushies.

That was embarrassing, I know, but eh... at least I live a good life. Unlike some virgin losers who had hope that they at least reincarnated or transmigrated to get fucking laid.

But back to me... the main character of this story is now... I was lying in a blizzard, in a body that wasn’t mine... fuck, man! My body was perfect before.

Eh... at least I can feel that my body is far more buffed than before—IS THAT A FUCKING BEASTWOMEN THAT I SEE?!

There were tons of beastwomen fighting each other right in front of me, and they moved so fucking fast that the blizzard started covering them from my eyes, which was worse!

And that was some good information right there... for where I am right now, and I think I get it... this is what I think it is, alright.

"Okay... listen," I said to the sky, because it felt like the right thing to do. "I spent my entire life chasing women in fake ears and fluffy tails."

"And now you’re telling me real beastwomen exist...? Either I’m in heaven, or the universe has a twisted sense of humor."

The blizzard answered by throwing a handful of snow directly into my mouth.

"PFFTTTT—agghh!" I spit all of the snow out from my fucking mouth. "Okay, fuck you! Twisted sense of humor... Got it."

...

Then... something nostalgic... wait no... more like a déjà vu feeling came right into my mind.

The memories of my new body showed up in pieces, like a corrupted video stream that kept buffering.

My name was Leon Levarion. I was a low-ranked adventurer in a world where magic was real, monsters roamed the wilderness, and a man’s worth was measured by how hard he could hit things.

Judging by the memories, Leon Levarion had been about as impressive as a wet sock... the fuck...?

He had no reputation, no friends, no family I could remember, and apparently no talent for anything except being poor.

Now this is what I call hell... reincarnated as a fucking wimp.

There was a guild somewhere, with ranks and quests and all the usual stuff from every isekai story I had ever read.

Unfortunately, none of that knowledge came with a guide to where the hell I was or why I was wandering in a snowstorm in clothes that wouldn’t keep a goat warm.

Still, I wasn’t ready to give up hope yet... Every reincarnated protagonist gets something.

A cheat skill, a legendary sword, and yes...! A hot goddess who cries because she feels sorry for him. So I had to stand up, wipe the snow off my face, and give myself a confident nod.

"Alright, world... Show me what I’ve got."

I picked up the rusty sword lying next to me and tried to swing it like a hero. The blade was so heavy that it dragged me forward, and I nearly broke my face on a frozen rock.

My arms were shaking before the sword had even left the ground. I had the grip strength of a toddler holding a wet fish.

"This is FUCKING bullshit," I wheezed. "This is complete and total bullshit..."

"I’ll just kill myself then—"

Something rustled in a nearby bush, and I turned around so fast that I almost fell over again. A small white creature hopped out, about the size of a cat, with a pair of tiny horns on its forehead and a pair of eyes that looked at me like I was a snack.

It was a rabbit. A tiny, fluffy rabbit with horns.

And here I thought it was a woman with rabbit ears, but still...

I screamed.

I’m not proud of it, but I screamed like a teenage girl in a horror movie and scrambled backward through the snow while waving the sword wildly in front of me.

The rabbit tilted its head at me with what I can only describe as pity, and then it hopped away like I wasn’t worth the effort.

I sat there in the snow, breathing hard, and feeling humiliated by a rodent.

"Is this a joke?" I demanded, glaring at the heavens. "Where’s my fucking cheat skill!?"

"Where’s my overpowered bloodline!?"

"Where’s my hot goddess who gives me a hug and says it’s all going to be okay!?"

"I don’t even get a free coat!"

"What kind of garbage reincarnation is this?"

"WHO WANTS TO READ THIS?!"