Day One Thousand Two Hundred And Fourteen

Dear Diary,

Hell of a revelation about the beans. And the shrimp, I guess. Not just their identities, either.

I mean, I kind of get it. I read about Dunbar's number back in the day, and even if I'm technically a Deity, everybody who knows me well enough realizes that some part of me, some part not Body or Soul, which I guess leaves Mind, is Human. Human Adjacent, at least. Mortal, in every way that matters. That means that I'm only gonna remember like a dozen dozen people with any kind of clarity or, I dunno, emotional fidelity. Emotional connection? I'm not sure there, but there's a limit.

There are like two million people, two million Souls, in the Alliance by now. I'm not saying that I've got two million Worshippers, but I don't think I'd be completely off base if I said that one percent of the people in the Alliance Worship me on a semi-regular basis. That's like twenty thousand people. Which means that like maybe one percent of that many people showed up last night. People where I don't really know their names or faces, who only really connected to me that intimately because they had something they deeply needed to tell me.

Weird, because I figure most people would come to my Temple and talk to my Clergy, but I guess maybe no amount of being the nice Deity is going to wipe out the stain of all the assholes who did shit like 'sure, I'll let your kid die, but I'll make sure their Soul doesn't wander if you properly polish my knobs and shit'. I mean, maybe, if I can keep this shit up for another decade or two, there will be enough kids who grew up without that kind of shit going on that they'll feel confident coming to my Clergy and telling them about shit where they need Deity-level help.

Or... Fuck, I don't even know what those prayers are for. They might be 'help my business succeed', they might be 'save my dying kid', they might be 'make that bitch on the HOA shit herself next time she decides to complain about my azaleas'. I am a Deity of Vengeance, after all, and petty Vengeance is still Vengeance.

But...

Karen?

Yes, Goddess?

I thought for a second about what I wanted, how I wanted to phrase it, because this was definitely one of those things that could go wrong in so many ways. Is there some way we can let folks know that if they need help with something serious, they can come to me? To us? To my Temples, my Clergy?

What kinds of things were you thinking about?

That left me a little at a loss. I mean, health concerns, especially for kids. Food and shelter, I guess.

I felt Karen nod. We've spoken with our congregations, let them know to spread the word about what we offer along those lines. Food, shelter, Healing, child care.

I wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say, but it felt important. Way more important than sounding suave or my own gravitas. But... I mean... I think this is part of the problem I'm having, I don't know what's important enough that people would pray to me for it, but I... I want to help them. They literally feed me. Give me the power to make sure that any Deities or Dragons that come at the Alliance are going home missing some parts, if they go home at all. It feels like the least I can do is make sure that they're not... That I'm...

I trailed off. Kinda spiraling a little, but not exactly. After a bit, when Karen thought, Goddess? I realized what I needed to tell her.

You know how I've got chronic pain and depression, right?

I felt the sense of tension in her, but she responded, all your High Clergy know of your black moods, Goddess. We wish we could do aught to help with them. We do what we can, but...

Yeah. Yeah, know. Sometimes there's nothing that can be done. I sighed. Thing is, that kind of thing isn't... I... I'm not the only one with that kind of problem.

I felt her pondering, her nod when she thought, you'd have us seek out those with moods like that and... Help them?

I shrugged at that. Maybe. Maybe just make sure that they know there are ears that will listen. A safe place to sit and just... Be.

Let it be so.

Um, not just that though. I felt her attention on me. Felt the rest of my High Clergy listening in as well. There's other shit like that. Anxiety. Uh, Manic shit. All kinds of stuff where somebody's own brain fucks with them. Folks who get wrapped up in some kind of situation that's out of their control, that they don't want to be in, but they don't see a way out. I realized right then the way to explain it to the women who saw my fuckin' Doctrine as their Holy Writ. Where whether it's true or not, they believe they've lost their Agency. Because thinking you don't have Agency is sometimes just as bad as not having it.

That got me the kind of long, quiet silence that often accompanied somebody trying to chew their way through a new topic they'd never thought of before. Finally, she thought, may we have time to think on this? Both to understand your desires, as well as how best to implement them?

Absolutely. I'm barely making sense here, but I think it's important. Figured I'd get the smartest, most dedicated women I know working on it for... With me. Because I'll be trying to think of ways to make it happen, too, and if you need me doing something, I'll be right there on it.

Did not expect all of my High Clergy to chorus, Let it be so, in my head at that point, but it really made me feel better.

So yesterday I taught Math in Troll Home, with all my kids and all the local kids. Turns out that the Temples where I've been teaching Math have decided to swap classes around, so they get Reading or History or even Phys Ed on days I don't teach Math. my Troll Girls dropped that one on me sort of out of the blue, that days I'm teaching Combat Training they're learning other stuff from the Legion.

I'm not sure how good their Reading or History will be, but I'm pretty sure with the class being mostly Jotnar and Trolls that the PT will be Academy level... I was gonna say 'brutal', but I really hope it's not. They're kids, after all. But I figure they'll at least get in shape.

Last night after I got home, had dinner, and soaked away the worst of my daily aches, Saffron and I got pulled to the Bedroom by Tallulah to spend some quality alone time with her whispering into our brains.

Am I right in thinking that you guys do this entirely in case a certain somebody's Scrying on us?

Tallulah just smirked at me. So weird that I can tell she's smirking when I can't see her face. Then again, that's true of all my High Clergy. Part of the whole mental connection, I think. Not entirely, Goddess.

Okay then. I'm guessing you had an update?

She nodded, and I listened as Saffron tried to distract us both. Okay, she wasn't trying to distract us, but she was definitely kinda doing so. I do. The first Court has formally declared support for the Lord of Sun's Harbor.

Who? Saffron's question pre-empted mine. Heck, I was gonna ask the same thing, but she wound up putting my brain on pause for a second right then.

The Lord of Blackpool.

Saffron froze when she heard that. Long enough for me to ask the question anyhow. Why's that such a big shock to my Kitten?

Both of them looked at me, then chuckled in synch. Because, Goof, that is the Court in closest physical proximity to the Hill.

Does that mean we can just get an invite to Blackpool, then do a sneaky snatch and grab like we did to save the Maenads from Sparta?

The two of them both froze for a second, then slid back into motion, only now they'd both gotten distracted by what I'd said. I just kinda kept up the not quite a ruse until they both looked at one another, shook their heads, and Tallulah thought, that would likely be a bad idea.

Why?

Saffron answered, for the same reason sending the Alliance military in backing the Overlord of Rich Man's Port would.

Politics. I hate politics.

That got a laugh out of both of them, not only because it was kinda true, but because I'd deliberately thought it in an over the top grumpy voice. When they settled Saffron thought, I'm aware, love. But also, you hate unnecessary bloodshed.

Explain that one to me? I mean, you're not wrong, but explain?

Tallulah nodded. Should we intervene too soon, even a surgical strike like the one against Sparta, we risk setting off a series of similar strikes, clandestine warfare in which none are safe. If, instead, we wait until the Lord of Sun's Harbor takes the throne, then petition him for justice against my rival, both for yourself and for Aisling, we would have the full weight of the Courts behind us. Failing that, if she fights to hold the throne, if we've made our offer of support clear, we can be ready to move the moment he calls for us. And as you've shown repeatedly of late, overwhelming force means we can end the fighting with less bloodshed than if things are even.

I sighed. Yeah. Okay. I get it. Still hate waiting though. Anything we can do in the meanwhile?

Perhaps a visit to Sun's Harbor to confirm to Lord 'Sunny' that I, and thus we, stand behind him in his bid. Perhaps another visit to Blackpool to let them know that the Overlord stands ready to assist them should the current inhabitant of the throne seek to harm them.

But... Isn't that the same as interfering? I kinda knew it wasn't, but... I was so fuckin' frustrated at the woman who'd hurt my kid still walking free.

Oh, no. The Alliance acting would be. The Overlord offering her aid should they need it is not.

Yeah, like we're not gonna be right behind T if she goes in.

Saffron smiled at me. Exactly. And they both know that. But it... It puts the Agency in their hands. They will call for her, and get her and her allies, and that will end any hostilities in short order. But only when they decide the time is right.

Yeah, that seemed kinda sus to me still, like maybe there was some shit they could pull, but after my recent bout with depression I decided to take it as a win. Just lemme know if and when you want me to come say hi.

I will, Mistress.

Later, when everybody slept the sleep of the enjoyably exhausted, I dreamt of my ladies all sitting in the shallows at the edge of my Maw. I focused on the dozens upon dozens, even hundreds of chibi beans diving in clutching their shrimp. I focused, trying to do that thing I did with Worshippers on my Altar.

I'm not sure what to think that it kinda worked. Kinda. I didn't get deep, secret desires. I didn't get images or intensity, really. I got simple thoughts, almost emotional pleas.

Heck, some of them weren't even pleas. Just...

Thank you, Goddess, for saving us.

Please, Goddess, watch over my son.

Help me do better, be better, Goddess. For my Children.

Help us... Watch over us... Thank you... 

Just... Simple things. I couldn't really even know who wanted what most for most of it. So I brushed my smallest, most agile tentacles across them, the kind of thing I'd do with my girls when I just wanted them to know I was there, was listening, was with them in every way I could be.

Not sure if it helped.

But I tried.