Day One Thousand Two Hundred And Thirteen

Dear Diary,

Of all the things that have become sort of a stable, staple thing here and now, you'd think my weird dreams would be something I've plumbed the depths of by now.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I know a lot about them, and most of it hangs together, makes a kind of sense, even if sometimes some of it isn't pleasant to think about. They're literally me inhabiting another part of my extended self. Maybe more of it, I think, which would explain why I've got so much less going on upstairs during those dreams. Like, I can barely understand speech most of the time. I can hear it, I know it's speech, but other than a sort of general gist I'm getting from Blend, I've got no idea what's being said. Same goes for any kind of written words. I sure as shit can't talk.

Okay, that day after Yule I realized I could talk with my Maw. But beyond the entire problem of deafening everyone I'm tryna talk with, I did that while inhabiting the body I'm in, the one I think of as mine, that one tentacle tip that isn't in a persistent vegetative state. Kinda like I can use my other tentacles without really thinking about it if I'm just, I dunno, using them without trying to inhabit them, I can apparently make my Maw do mouth things. Up to and including talking.

But that's just it. In my Mimic Dreams I might as well be that persistent vegetative state me. Okay, not really. I respond to shit. I perceive shit. But I'm not... I dunno, it's almost like I'm spread across my Maw and the surrounding tentacles. But with my normal amount of functional gray matter driving the whole thing. Which leaves me as a bit of an idiot.

I mean, not just himbo goofy, either. Can't talk, can barely read or understand speech, about all I'm good for is nomming my ladies because they're tasty. Which... Yeah, I've learned that's not harmful to them, it's basically just a metaphor for them Worshipping me in their dreams, but that's... I dunno. I don't feel guilty about it any more, but I feel like maybe I ought to. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty, although I also feel like that's kinda stupid.

I've also showed up to those dream sessions when I am, in fact, awake. Because M-Space, along with being Underhill, the Land of the Gods, the resting place of Souls, is also the Realm of Dreams. So when my most fervent Worshippers show up there, if I'm awake I can literally show up and interact with... I guess it's kind of an echo of their Soul. It's not their actual Soul, because I've tasted those, and they taste different. More intense. A far more nuanced and layered flavor, if you will.

Yes, it weirds me out that I can talk about that from experience. At the same time, for some of them it's what they wanted, for others it was the only way to permanently remove them from the playing field. I still think, even with Souls being real, Niflhel being a place the Souls of the particularly awful can be imprisoned, and Reviving and Reincarnation both being things that can happen, there's no reason to execute somebody except 'we can't safely store them without doing meaningful harm to somebody else'.

I'm not sure how much extra food we've got, but back during the Plague and the Famine that followed it, we had that excuse. At this point I'm really not sure if we could keep some normal Human Adjacent person imprisoned indefinitely in a way that didn't hurt other people, but if we can, I think we really ought to. But if we do, I am just not having the whole 'prison labor' thing. Way too much possibility of that prison labor winding up as slaves, and I didn't conquer the shit out of Norfolk and learn what a Jotnar alimentary canal smells like from the inside just to let Thralls or Slaves or lifetime Indentured Servants or Prison Laborers become a thing again.

I mean, I guess maybe if it's some kinda work release program, like they're fixing property damage they caused, and when they're done restoring things they get to go home, maybe. Or if they stole food 'cause they don't have any income, teaching them a trade and letting them head out when they've got their shit together or something.

Yeah, I'm reaching, because I absolutely believe Saffron when she says that the Spartan Heroes who surrender are gonna spend the rest of their days tearing down Sparta as it is. Working to make a start at fixing what generations of previous Spartan Heroes have broken.

I dunno. But I've gotta think about it, because it's my name on the book, my face on the recruiting posters, and my Holy Book directing the Imperator.

Shit, I'm not sure, but we may have accidentally done a Theocracy, and I'm not sure what to think about that, because we're not fucking over anybody that I can tell. Shit, if I remember right there are even Priests of Ares hanging around. Not sure if there are any High Priests, but still, religious freedom is a thing.

At any rate, I woke up yesterday at dinner time after being put to sleep by my musical kits with Aisling on vocals. Kinda weird, I'd definitely dreamt of my Maw, but one without my ladies in residence. I mean, it made sense. With none of them asleep, none of them were dreaming, so none of them were visiting my 'most holy spot' in their dreams that they weren't having. All that made sense, even if I didn't get a sense of being lonely, or even alone, really.

But a few things kinda bugged me when I woke up. Some things I hadn't thought about in a while, others that just occurred to me on waking.

Because I am in fact smarter than a particularly dim box of rocks, I both decided to ask my ladies about that, especially my more academically inclined ones, and I waited until after dinner, because Marie had done sushi boats. Like a whole fuckin' flotilla of sushi boats, which was kinda required what with our family having grown to platoon size. That kinda reminded me of one other thing, and while Furtim wasn't over tonight, after I pulled the ladies to me in the Bath for a serious discussion of my dreaming self, I opened with that.

"Remind me we need to talk with Furtim and her girls about the whole 'hundred day emergency plans'."

"I've already done so, love." Trust Saffron not to forget shit like that.

I nodded, but said, "yeah, but we need to run drills and shit." Saffron looked a little put out, especially when Tallulah chuckled. "What?"

Her pout collapsed into a chuckle. "Furtim said the same thing. She also saw some areas for improvement."

"Well. Shit. Guess when it comes to emergency plans, the Marine Recon who lived through the blast that killed off the dinosaurs because she was part of the emergency plan might have something to add, huh?" I maybe laughed at myself a little, which definitely let the rest of the Mom Collective laugh as well. But then I remembered I had a whole other thing to ask about. "Uh, ladies? I had a question. About, y'know, my Mimic Dreams. The ones about my Maw."

They all got a little tense, and I couldn't figure out why until Tallulah nodded to Saffron, who asked, "have you seen or heard something we need to prepare for?"

I blinked a little until I realized how often we'd gotten advanced warning from exactly that. I shook my head and chuckled. "No. No, nothing like that. I mean, I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary, but I was kinda wondering about the ordinary. Which means there might have been something out of the ordinary all along and I didn't notice it?"

I blinked at them as they all relaxed and smiled back. Saffron nodded to Tallulah. "Sidhe are the most familiar with the land of Dreams. Underhill is, if anything the closest of all realms to it."

I pursed my lips. "Isn't my Maw in the Land of the Gods, though?"

Saffron started to shake her head, then stopped. "You know, I've never thought of it like that, but I suppose it's just more proof that Conrad is correct about all the various parts and parcels of M-Space being fundamentally similar."

Tallulah shook her head. "Afterlives are generally literally under the surface, but that is not universal. The Summerlands and the Elysian Fields are both at surface level, and Valhalla is in the upper branches of Yggdrasil." She stopped, shook her head, then smirked. "Apologies, my point was more that only Souls and Psychopomps can reliably transit to those locations; even Sidhe Lords cannot visit the Summerlands in full safety."

"Even Gods?"

She nodded. "Other than Psychopomps travel to and from Afterlives is... Difficult, even for them."

"How does Hades do it?"

Siobhan smiled at me, although it was a little melancholy for whatever reason. "Have you seen him leave his realm?"

"Huh? Oh. Oh, shit, is that why Hel can't leave either?"

She shook her head, then shrugged. "Well, it may be a complicating factor. Although I think you've arranged for her to leave at times? Though that might count as a psychopomp facilitating." At my head tilt, she laughed and added, "don't tell me you forgot?"

"Uh... Yeah. I think I did."

The rest of them looked back to Tallulah, and Saffron said, "you seem to be the most knowledgeable and interested in M-Space in any case."

Tallulah smiled. "Likely something to do with growing up there, and all the time I've spent in Sidhe Courts recently." When I raised an eyebrow, she said, "those Courts are typically either in M-Space proper or in places like the Bedroom or your father's cave."

"Okay. Uh... Okay, what happened to the chibi beans? And the shrimp?" They all looked a little confused. "The beans, the little chibi... Do you guys know what chibi means?"

"Not really?" said Saffron.

"Uh... I think it stood for 'super deformed'. It was an artistic style. Like, big heads, little bodies, stick figure arms and legs."

"And figures like that have shown in your dreams of your Maw?"

I shrugged. "I mean, it's been a while. Early on you kinda were like that too. But they were always, I dunno, littler. And they usually carried shrimp."

I watched all their minds racing. I even heard those murmurs that told me they were using my brain as a signal repeater, maybe talking with the other High Clergy. Then Saffron got a look of enlightenment, and the murmurs kicked up a notch, especially between her and Tallulah. Then she turned to me. "Can you watch closely tonight? Pay especially attention to the edges of your Maw?"

I shrugged. "Sure."

After that, despite my vague confusion and... Not really worry, more vague confusion about what was going on, because the signal repeating was still going on, and I felt each of my ladies Co-Locating to my Altars, to their Temples. Despite all that, I still felt kinda calm. Probably the extra heat in the water tonight, because they'd definitely kicked it up a bit to counter the dropping temperatures outside.

Nothing on the big screen tonight, just my ladies floating around my Maw. Mostly the edges. I remembered what they'd asked, which almost but didn't quite wake me, and focused on those edges.

Where the chibi beans were there, in force, going into my Maw. Not really making it much further than a few... Shit, I realized right then that I'm innumerate like that. I can't read the digits when they judge each other's dream Worship. I can't count like that, which ought to be disturbing, but while numbers were beyond me, the fact that the chibi bean sous chefs weren't more than, like, the size of one of my ladies' hands blew me away.

Okay, some of them were bigger. Some were smaller. But not much in any direction. I had to kind of squint to see them all, and at that point I realized there were, like, dozens of them. Maybe hundreds, all diving into the edges and disappearing again.

Weird. A little disturbing. Also, the shrimp didn't reappear. Like, some of them brought more shrimp, new shrimp, but somehow not the same shrimp.

Woke in the morning with more questions than answers. Fortunately, Tallulah didn't have court until afternoon, so while I got my ass in gear to do all my daily stuff, she answered my questions.

"So they've been there the whole time?"

She shrugged. "Some nights there are more. Some there are less. But there are always some."

I frowned. "What are they?"

"Who."

I blinked. "Uh... Who are they?"

She smiled. "Your lesser Clergy. Your lay Clergy even. Possibly... No, probably even some devout Worshippers."

"Why?"

"Carrying prayers to you."

I blinked. "Uh, I meant why are they small, but... Is that what those shrimp are?"

She smiled and nodded. "Some might see that as scandalous, or dismissive of your Worshipper's sincere prayers, but..." She chuckled. "I've seen how much you enjoy shrimp."

I blushed a little at that, then nodded. "Uh... Yeah. Are they gonna... How do I fulfill them then?"

She shook her head. "For most of them? You don't. Then again, you don't need to. Should their prayers be aligned with your desires? Those who simply need confidence or luck will receive it. Those who need more help than that are often subtly directed to your Temples, or to your Clergy, or even to us."

"But why are they so small?"

She smiled. "Ask rather why those of us who impact your life so much in the Mortal Realm are so large, and you might understand the answer."

My jaw dropped, and she smiled at me. "I... I don't know how to feel about that."

She just kept that serene smile and said, "then, if you would like advice?" I nodded. "Feel that when they see us standing there, towering over them even as your tentacles tower over us, where they see your Maw as a small sea rather than the large lake your High Clergy experience? It gives them confidence in us. Faith that even should you not notice them and help them, we are both small enough to see them and large enough to help them."

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm gonna need some time to think about this."

"Well. It's time for us to get to my Court, and I'll need to Co-Locate over to a few of the other Courts as well. Perhaps you can spend your time leaning against my legs to ponder this?"

Really glad I've got so many practical women partnered with me, because that sounded like excellent advice.

So I took it.