Day One Thousand Two Hundred And Twelve

Dear Diary,

Today was a great example of how chronic conditions can make an otherwise lovely day into... I dunno, not a bad day, exactly, but they definitely dull my shine.

Oh, fuck, I used to get so pissed off at that particular bit of glurge. 'Don't let anyone dull your shine'. Bitch, do you think I'm a willing participant in my own shine dulling? Does anyone sign up for that shit, like going to the counter in the DMV and filling out the form for shine, and deliberately checking the box for voluntary shine dulling?

Yeah, that kind of shit is the worst kind of toxic positivity. Okay, it was for me. All it did was make me angry.

Which, to be fair, was one of the few ways I had to fight against chronic depression back in the day. So I guess it worked, if only through the power of spite.

Shit, between spite, love, and shit tons of Mana, I'm not sure that I couldn't force A if and only if not A into existence. I mean yeah, I would probably break causality or some shit like that, but that's practically a family tradition. First thing Dommy Mommy did after showing up in existence was breaking time and space to steal Yggdrasil's wood and Ymir's bones to bind me up, to build the box she slammed me into.

Now that I think about that, I wonder if that's what birthed Indech. They're Chaos incarnate, which sounds a lot like broken causality to me. I mean...

Shit. I did break time and space once already, helping Adrienne fulfill Jack's wish. I mean, I'm not super regretful, because instead of breaking reality over fear and hate, I broke it for faith and love.

Shit, if I did that shit with faith and love, I can only imagine what spite and love would do. Not gonna go for faith and spite, because that sounds way too much like where the fundies reside. I mean, yeah, technically that would be faith and hate, but spite... Spite isn't hate, but it's usually in the same zip code, and it's the closest I want to get.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't be working with spite, either, now that I think about it.

Good talk, me.

At any rate, involuntary shine dulling is pretty much the order of the day for both chronic depression and chronic pain, and both of those flared up today.

Hit me yesterday when we got home from Dad's place. First the pain. Dunno why, because in the past my day of stillness seemed to shove that shit deep into the background for a while, but when we all hopped home it was all I could do not to start swearing as every one of my scars just twitched. I mean, okay, scars don't twitch, but when the pain flares, whatever's under them tenses up, and it makes it feel like that shit is twitching.

I tried to hide it. I failed. Saffron was the first to say anything, although the kids all kinda hovered. They didn't glomp me, because I guess I looked a little terrifying, but they clearly wanted to. "Your scars, love?" I nodded, jaw clenched. "Wait until Mama is in the Bath, children. I'm sure she'll appreciate your attention more once she's not hurting as much." Then she turned to my Troll baby mama. "Furtim, could you?"

The next thing I knew I swung through the air, then settled into the tub in arms that made me feel like a baby. Which... Honestly it hurt, but I wasn't about to say anything, because I knew they were trying to help. Furtim, Saffron, the kids, everyone.

Marie did her acupuncture thing while Furtim held me. Held me all the way under the hottest water, so it could work its way into my everything, while Marie's claws worked me over kind of like a pork loin that was gonna go into the cauldron for a long, slow cook.

I have no idea why that put the thought in my head that they ought to just let me cook, then eat me, but it fuckin' did. Shit, that shit made not fuckin' sense and was a reversal of how things worked here and now, but depression doesn't give a shit about sanity or cause and effect or whatever. Except 'no dopamine or serotonin left, fuck you bitch' cause having the effect of 'everything sucks, me most of all' effect.

I'm not really sure I slept. Pain can do that, turn what ought to be a full night's sleep into a fitful eight to twelve of thinking that you're dreaming when you're actually half awake, or thinking that you're awake when you're out cold and just dreaming that you're lying there in agony. I guess it doesn't help that I was tryna sleep in the Bath, and dreaming of my Maw.

I'd say I woke up in the morning, but it was more crawling out of the Bath, where I'd kinda floated atop Furtim, who laid under me and held me down, and under Marie, who laid atop me all night long.

"Perhaps you should stay in bed today?" Saffron said as I ate waffles with Marie's gravy syrup. Definite sign of a bad day, when not even Fae grain waffles with Marie's gravy syrup could knock me out of it.

I shook my head. "Nah. Just... I dunno, gotta keep going."

She sighed, looked to Siobhan, but Darling just said, "if we force her to stay in bed, I don't think she'll benefit from it." Then she turned to me. "But I think you ought to avoid conflict today, if you can. Just... Do your daily things, but do not push to do so."

I shook my head, but said, "so just what, mail it in?"

"If that's what you want to call it, certainly."

Part of me wanted to say that meant I wasn't really needed in the first place, but... My jaw locked up. Pain from one of my facial scars. So fuckin' weird to have chronic pain interrupt chronic depression self-abuse, but there I was.

Went with Siobhan to the Infirmary, where she spent an inordinate amount of the day checking in on me. Specifically by pressing her cool cheek against my temple to 'check my temperature'.

"Y'know I can see right down your robes like that."

"Of course."

"And, y'know, further down through that hole you cut to show off your baby sigil."

She just chuckled at me, wiggling a little to make things sway. "See anything you like?"

I sighed. "Yeah."

"Well, perhaps we can explore that?"

I thought about it. "Maybe later?"

She kissed my ear and whispered, "I hope so."

Tallulah skritched my scalp while I leaned against her thigh. No words, just constant intimate contact.

Saffron flashed me surreptitiously a few times in the Grand Council chamber, but mostly paid attention to the me playing seat cushion while she asked Hat for answers and demonstrations. Over and over and over, right up until I arrived with lunch. "Pardon, Hat, but you must be hungry."

They just shrugged, looking at the tray I'd brought. "I suppose I could eat."

"The Academy Dining Hall has excellent food. That is an open hint to suggest you go partake of that food so I can have some private time with my Wife."

They chuckled, but disappeared. Saffron slow blinked at me, and as I lifted her I said, "you know they could just be hiding or something?"

She took a deep breath, which did lovely things to her topography. "That seems very much like a them problem."

Marie just worked me hard. In both Kitchens, in the laundry. In the Bedroom. Marie has Skills.

Meanwhile I might have gotten a little rough with my Combat Training class. Not, like, hurtful rough, but full contact sparring today. Not with me. I said rough, not murderous.

Finally, the kids. Oh, my lovely kids. Today wasn't a school day, so they had half a dozen of me doing half a dozen different things. Helping Lindsey with the farms. Sparring with Ria and Alex. Chasing after Anise, Felicia, and Isnomi. Playing chess with Maze. Getting a full spa day courtesy of Davey, Daya, Jack, and Karen. Finally, sharing Isadora's body pillow while the musical kits and Aisling sang to us.

Not sure what anybody made of the fact that late in the day? That last bit got through to me. Dropped off to sleep, didn't wake up until Darling whispered, "dinner time."