Day One Thousand Two Hundred Ten

Dear Diary,

Momma is asleep again. I'm gonna be mad if somebody wakes her up, so nobody better be noisy today, because she needs her rest.

I... I think I finally understand why Momma does this. I'm not sure, because I'm not Momma, but...

Lyssa.

Before Lyssa, everything was simple. Momma protected me, I protected my pack, we all played together, and sometimes bad people hurt us no matter what Momma or I could do, but we always helped each other and protected each other and nobody ever got away with hurting us.

Okay, Morrigan hurt Ria, but Momma fixed that, and then put Morrigan on a tentacle like a bug on a stick. Except when Garde puts bugs on sticks she waits until they're dead, and Morrigan is still alive.

But... Lyssa. I think I know why Momma has a Diary now. But I haven't got a Diary, so I can't do this like this except today, when Momma is asleep.

It... It wasn't Lyssa, though. It was me. Lyssa didn't put that in me, she just made it big and set it loose, and I did bad things. I did bad things to my sisters who never deserved bad things to happen to them. I hurt them. Hurt them worse than I hurt Momma with Vulcan's bolt. I killed them. I... I think I hurt myself by doing that.

Momma fixed their bodies, and she helped them start healing the hurts to their hearts, but I don't... I can't... I know she tried to help me, and she did. I know that's why she takes us to Grandma and Grampas place every week to talk about things that have hurt us, so we can all help each other, protect each other, but...

I wonder if the other adults know how much Momma's hurting. I wonder if they're all hurting too. I wonder if the hurt will ever go away. It hurts less now than it did the day after Momma came back and saved us, but it never really stopped.

I wonder if that's what being an adult is. Hurting all the time and still going around like it's not hurting.

I don't know of Momma ever looks back at what I've put here, in her Diary, and I worry a little about that, because if she does look here, she might see this, and I don't want her to worry about me. I'm not... I'm not injured in any way she can fix, but that's not because of her. She didn't do that. But she'll think she did, that she should have protected me from this.

She tried. She told me not to grow up too soon. I've tried to be a good girl and listen to Momma and not grow up, but I think I might have to. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day. Some day maybe sooner than I really want to. Probably before Momma wants me to.

But I talk here, now, like this, because I don't have a Diary like this, and that notebook Garde writes her private thoughts in isn't one, no matter what she says. But now I understand why Momma does.

So yesterday Momma worked right up until just before sunset. Then she called us all into the bedroom, laid down with her head on Mom's thighs, and said, "good night, everybody. See you tomorrow." Then she went to sleep.

We were all dressed up in our 'guises, so she could see them before she went to sleep. Isadora and Alex were lazy this year, and wore the same 'guises as last year, a cow and a Hero. Jack and Ria both went as Heroes too, and Mom and Marie both said it was okay because Heroes shouldn't go alone if they don't have to. Then Anise said she wanted to go as a Hero too, which meant Felicia copied her, because she is a copycat so of course she did.

Aisling didn't know what to 'guise herself as, but then Borysthenis, Calliope, Erato and Garde decided to go as Dragonslayers. Not like Heroes who hunt Dragons, but like Momma's old Troops. I didn't get it, but they liked it, and they convinced Aisling to go as a Hero too, so they could be her Unit. They're not really, but with four of them they can stand on all sides of her and she can hide behind them. Marie made them all itchy leather armor, and got Smith Jon at the Academy to make them spears and shields. They wanted Crossbows, but Mom and Marie and Tallulah and Siobhan all said no, so they made their own fake ones out of sticks in the basement, which Mom said was okay.

Then Maze got clever with her 'guise, and when I say 'clever' I mean 'made Mom have A Conniption when Marie had already made it', because she and Hailee both decided to go as Mama's Priestesses. I still don't understand Mom's problem, because their 'guises didn't have heels to make them stumble or long skirts to trip on, and if the veils didn't really hide their faces, they still covered them almost like a mask. I don't know why it matters, but Siobhan said they don't have any 'chantments on them either, so nothing inappropriate would happen.

I'd say it was something silly, but... Lyssa. So instead of just saying it was silly, so I put away all my extra teeth and tugged on Mom's skirt.

"Yes, my girl?"

"Can we talk?"

"Of course."

"I mean in private?"

She frowned for a second, then asked, "where?"

I thought about that for a second. "My Temple?"

She looked a little strange, almost like she was scared, but Mom is never scared, so it must have been something else. then she reached down, way less down than she used to have to do, and took my hand. A moment later we stood in Momma's office, and I led her out the door, then around the office to the entrance to my Temple. She reached up as we passed under the Dragon's incisors, running her hand along the tooth. She didn't have to reach up far.

"Don't you think the doorway is a little low? Your Mama would have to duck, I think."

I shook my head. "She can be smaller if she wants. 'Sides, my Priestesses can move like I do sometimes."

"And how's that?"

"Like this." I dropped to all fours and ran up to my Altar. Okay, it was really just a slab of preserved bone, but it's where Alex and Lindsey and I put stuff when we were sitting around up here.

"And they'll be able to move freely like that?"

"I say they can, so they can."

She nodded. "You wanted to talk about something?"

I nodded. "Yeah. You don't like Maze and Hailee's 'guises?"

Mom took a deep breath, then forced a smile onto her face. "You could tell?"

"Everyone could tell."

She snorted. "Well. I can't say you don't speak your mind, even to me." She stopped, and I listened to what Momma said once, sniffing at her blood flowing so freely everywhere Here today to make sure I got it right. I waited until Mom sighed, then shook her head and said, "I worry that you're all growing up so fast."

"You don't want us to grow up?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I do, my girl. I do. But..."

"Growing up hurts?"

She'd been staring at my Altar, but her eyes snapped to me. "Who hurt you?"

I stayed calm and said, "Lyssa... And me."

When I said Lyssa's name, she stiffened, but when I said 'me', she slumped, then held out her arms. "Oh, ba... My girl." I leapt into her arms. "Oh, my girl, I wish I could have protected you from that. I'm sorry. I failed."

I shook my head, brushing away a tear that started to leak down her face. "No, Ma. You did what you could. You didn't hurt anyone."

She shook her head and held me for a bit, then said, "was that all you wanted to talk about?"

I thought about it, then asked, "will those dresses put them in danger?"

Mom looked... Angry, but not at me, and not at my sisters. "No. No, they will not." Standing there in my Temple, I heard her think very loudly, not if I have anything to say about it. And. I. Do.

"Okay. I didn't want them to do something dangerous."

She smiled at me, hugged me, and said, "shall we go 'guising then?"

"Yes!"

So I led my sisters out 'guising. Davey went as a Queen, in a dress that looked like the one Ria's mom wore; when she saw that Ria's mom Shaped and the little symbols on Davey's dress leapt away from the fabric and floated there. Daya went as an Emerald this year, and Lindsey went as a Troll. Siobhan said Momma's priests Cherry and Giselle should come along so their babies could keep Aoibh company, so they did. Sort of like Lucas was a pumpkin last year, Aoibh went as a strawberry and Tabson went as a melon. Muiris went as a seal, which is a little weird because he's 'guising as himself, but that gave me the idea of 'guising as myself too, so I Did Not Blend after that. 

When my Troll sisters showed up with their mom right about then, Mom had to explain what was going on.

My Troll sisters' mom finally said, "ah, tribute?"

Mom opened her mouth, then shook her head and said, "not too far from it with this crowd."

Marie sewed up costumes really fast, and four of the girls joined Aisling's Unit, with the girl who followed Davey around most often following her as a bodyguard. When she said that, her mom said, "we don't do that any more."

Davey's bodyguard answered, "but we once did, and it can be as important to remember the past as to prepare for the future."

I don't know why that made her mom sad, but it did. But she didn't argue, and we started 'guising. Our first visit was to Conrad, who sighed and joined us, just like last year. Except this year he Shaped something and walked alongside me in a big fancy outfit like Mom and Momma wore when they married Marie, only with a long cape and, for whatever reason, he made his teeth long like mine are sometimes.

Our next visit was to Grandma and Grandpa, who gave out candies and little cakes, only this year instead of having little wrappers they were fresh baked, I think. But then they followed us back home, and we went through the other 'partments in both other Houses. Sarah and D joined us, although he was almost bigger than my bigger sisters, and said that he was probably too old, but then Conrad gave him A Look, and so did Mom, and he decided to go along with us.

We went to Lucas' House too, although by the time we did we had all the kids from the Homestead with us. Lucas wore a onesie that Stheno made; it wasn't as nice as the ones Marie made us, and it made him look like a stump, but he kept saying, "twee!" so I guess he thought he was a tree. Liam was another Hero, so we had a whole squad of Heroes now, but only Aisling had her Unit with her, so they all had to carry their own treat baskets, but her Unit decided to carry her and her basket.

They also sang and danced, and I'm not sure Units are supposed to do that, but I'm not sure they're not, and they got more treats than anyone else, so I guess it wasn't a bad idea. But I didn't copy it, because I am not a copycat like Felicia.

We visited the Drivers, and Mrs. Driver made a lot of noise, because that's how she is, but she gave us all cake and cookies and little stuffed eggy things wrapped in paper. Then we went through the streets a little before Mom took us all over to where Diana lives. When she saw D, she pulled him into a hug and held him there for a while, then led her kids out into the street to 'guise some more. When I asked her what they were, she said, "they're a pack of wolves."

"They don't look like wolves."

She smirked at me and said, "they're Reman wolves."

I've never seen a Reman wolf, so I guessed maybe they look like people. Or my High Priestess was trying to Pull A Fast One, but it's 'guising day, and I didn't give her a Treat, so I guess her Tricking me is okay.

When we all had as many treats as we could carry, and the younger kids were tired, we all stepped back to the bedroom, where the Doctors were sitting on the edge of the bed. Siobhan talked about Momma with them while she fed little Aoibh, and Giselle and Cherry sat down near them to feed Muiris and Tabson, who does not smell like Momma despite his name. But not all my sisters smell like Momma, so I guess that's okay.

While the adults talked, we all piled onto the bed and shared our treats and talked about the night until my sisters, one at at time, all fell asleep.

I fell asleep last, because I try to watch over them.

Even if sometimes I can't.

But I want to, and maybe that's enough.