Chapter 33: Fail for Me

Kai sat cross-legged on the bed with nothing but a towel around his waist, reading the King’s letter, because the owl had planted itself on his knee and refused to leave until he opened it.

The letter was written on thick, cream-colored parchment, and Kai read it three times, because he was fairly sure his eyes were deceiving him.

"To the man called Kai Mercer, known in the lower district as the God of Failure. By order of His Majesty King Rowan Halbrecht, you are summoned to the palace tomorrow at noon, along with your companions. Wear pants."

"Wear pants," Kai said out loud. "He underlined it."

[The King knows who you are]

"I know that," Kai whispered. "Everyone knows who I am."

The owl hooted once, nipped him on the thumb, and flew out the window.

[That is six bites]

"I’m aware," Kai whispered.

The next morning, Hale gave Kai a blue coat and a pair of black pants that belonged to his late son, and the pants were so tight that Kai couldn’t even bend his knees. When Mira saw him, she put a hand over her mouth, but her shoulders were twitching the whole time.

"Don’t," Kai said.

"I didn’t say anything," Mira said.

"Your shoulders are talking," Kai said.

They all walked to the palace together with Sunny in the lead and Mira walking beside Kai in a green dress that someone had lent her, and Kai forgot about his pants entirely. Crowds of people stopped and stared at them as they made their way through the streets, and some of them even bowed, though Kai was sure they were bowing to Sunny.

[Some of them were bowing to you]

"How many?" Kai whispered.

[Two. One of them was the fish woman]

The palace sat on the opposite side of the city from the Cathedral, as if the two buildings were trying to stay as far away from each other as possible. It was built of plain gray stone with no gold anywhere in sight, and the guards at the door took Garrick’s hammer and Elowen’s sword, while Sunny simply handed over his own without a word.

They were led into a long hall with a high ceiling and a single chair at the far end, and sitting in that chair was a man who didn’t look anything like a king. He looked to be in his forties, with a salt-and-pepper beard, heavy bags under his eyes, and ink stains on the sleeves of his plain gray coat, and a thin silver band sat a little crooked across his forehead.

A young woman stood beside him with bright green eyes and dark red hair tied back in a braid, wearing what looked like a riding jacket instead of a gown, and she was studying Kai with a very curious expression on her face.

"So you’re the god," the King said.

"Some people call me that," Kai said.

"And what do the rest of them call you?" the King asked.

"Heretic," Kai said. "Monster lord. Donkey, once."

The young woman beside the King snorted and quickly covered it up with a cough.

"That is my daughter, Princess Seris," the King said. "She wanted to come because she has never seen a god before, and I could not think of a good reason to tell her no."

"He doesn’t look like a god," Princess Seris said.

"I get that a lot," Kai said.

The King leaned forward in his chair and pressed his fingertips together.

"Hale told me what happened in the Cathedral last night," the King said. "Draven’s confession, the letter in the fireplace, and the High Priestess running off like a common criminal. Lord Aldric Vallen was my friend, and I had him executed because the Church told me those letters were real." He looked at Mira, and his tired face seemed to age ten years in a single moment. "I am sorry, Lady Vallen. Your home and your lands will be returned to you, and your father’s name will be cleared in front of the entire city."

Mira didn’t speak for a long moment, and then she curtsied so low that her knees nearly touched the floor.

[Faith gained. Mira Vallen: +5%. Status: Grateful.]

"But I did not summon you here to talk about Draven," the King said, turning back to Kai. "The Radiant Church has ruled this kingdom for three hundred years, and last night, a man in a fishing vest frightened them. I want to know whether that was a fluke, or whether you are real."

"Do you want the truth?" Kai asked.

"Yes," the King said, glancing at Elowen. "I have been told that is the only way to speak with you."

"I don’t know if I’m real," Kai said. "All I know is that I fail at everything I try, and somehow it works out anyway."

The King studied him for a long moment, drumming his ink-stained fingers on the arm of his chair.

"Then fail for me," the King said.

Kai blinked at him, because in his entire life, nobody had ever asked him to fail on purpose.

"Fail at something for me," the King said. "I want to see a miracle, and if it goes wrong, I want to see what happens."

He pointed to the far end of the hall, where a single red apple sat on a stone pedestal beneath a massive iron chandelier.

"Smite the apple," the King said.

[You are going to miss]

"I know," Kai whispered.

[I just wanted to say it first]

Kai rolled his shoulders, which was hard to do in a coat that was two sizes too small, and he pointed his finger straight at the apple.

"Minor Smite," Kai said.

A blast of golden light shot out of Kai’s finger and streaked down the hall towards the apple, and for one brief, beautiful second, Kai actually thought he was going to hit it. Then it veered upward at the last moment, missed the apple by about six feet, and slammed into the thick rope holding up the chandelier.

The rope snapped, and the chandelier came crashing down with a deafening noise, like a hundred bells thrown down a staircase. But it didn’t land on the apple. It landed just behind the pedestal, right on top of one of the servants who had been standing quietly against the wall holding a silver tray.

Everyone in the hall stared at the servant, who was pinned flat beneath the iron frame and groaning in pain. His tray had gone skidding across the floor, and lying right next to his hand was a long, thin dagger that had been hidden underneath it.

The King’s guards were on him in an instant, and when they dragged him out from under the chandelier, his sleeve tore open to reveal a small golden sun tattooed on the inside of his wrist.

"Sister Inquisitor," the King said quietly. "Would you ask him something for me?"

One of the guards handed Elowen back her sword, and she walked over and stood in front of the servant with the blade held low.

"Who sent you here?" Elowen asked.

"The Mother sent me," the servant spat, and her sword stayed dark.

"And who speaks for the Mother?" Elowen asked.

The servant pressed his lips together and didn’t answer, but his eyes flicked towards the doors, in the direction of the Cathedral, and everyone in the room knew exactly what that meant.

The King stared down at the dagger on the floor for a long time, and then he looked back up at Kai.

"You were trying to hit the apple," the King said.

"Yes," Kai said.

"And you missed," the King said.

"Yes," Kai said.

"And you saved my life," the King said.

"I guess so," Kai said.

Behind her father’s chair, Princess Seris had gone completely pale, and she was staring at Kai with her mouth hanging open and her green eyes wide.

[Faith gained. New follower: Rowan Halbrecht. Faith: 6%. Status: Interested.]

[Faith gained. New follower: Seris Halbrecht. Faith: 4%. Status: Curious.]

[You now have a king and a princess]

"I didn’t even hit the apple," Kai whispered.

[No. You hit the chandelier. You are very consistent]

The King rose from his chair and walked down the steps until he was standing right in front of Kai, and up close, he looked even more tired than he had from across the hall.

"The High Priestess is not going to stop," the King said. "She tried to kill me inside my own palace, which means she is done pretending. There are six other churches in Veyrath, and every one of them will know about the God of Failure by the end of the week." He held out his hand. "I would like you to be my friend, Mr. Mercer."

Kai looked at the hand, then over at Elowen, whose sword was still dark, and then he shook it.

"You should know that I’m a terrible friend," Kai said.

"I have heard that as well," the King said. "Mostly from the donkey."

Princess Seris stepped down from beside the throne and walked right up to Kai, so close that he had to lean back, and she looked him over from his messy hair all the way down to his painfully tight pants.

"I want to come with you," Princess Seris said.

"No, you will not," the King said.

"Father, he just saved your life by missing an apple," Princess Seris said. "I need to know how he does that."

"So do I," Kai said.

[So do I]

Mira stepped up beside Kai and bumped her shoulder into his, just a little harder than she needed to.

[Mira is blushing. The princess is blushing. So are you]

"Not now," Kai whispered.

[I would also like to remind you that you have 1 true believer and 354 days left]

Kai looked around the hall at the broken chandelier, the assassin being dragged away in chains, the tired King, the stubborn princess, and his friends standing all around him, and he let out a long sigh.

"Ninety-nine to go," Kai said.