Chapter 221: Crumble completely when you cry

221

C/W: Heavy talk of self-harm history.

Noah’s POV

My voice cracks as I sing the part of the song where the singer says something about crumbling completely when his lover cries.

Unable to hold myself together, I crumble on the roof, resting my head on the cool metallic top. Again. Again. Again. The voices that spur every action that has led me to an ER yell in my head. It gets like this once in a while, but it hasn’t been like this since I met Elias.

’Quick! Call a plastic surgeon, he’s doing it again’ Mom’s voice yells as Zane shields me.

He found me lying on the floor with the blade in my hand. I told him I was tired of striving for affection, he understands me, he speaks to me, but it’s not enough.

’This kid. I told you, didn’t I? I told you he’d embarrass us’ mom’s voice says as I dangle on the edge of reality and a fuzzy painless world.

’Mrs. Goldsmith, please. Let’s get him to the ER first of all’ Zane pleads, but as always, mom doesn’t listen to him.

’And let everyone see what a mess this is? Over my body. Call a therapist, get a surgeon for his wrist, and get a lawyer with the NDA’ Mom says.

"I’ve had enough" Elias’s cold voice says as he pulls me down into the car. He makes me sit with my back to his chest. He locks his arms around my waist, and I fight to push him off. I want to soak in his words; I want to make it hurt enough to wake up from my delusions.

I am stupid. The world has been telling me that, but it’s finally sinking in now. Stupid.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Elias roars as I thrash against his body. One hand is over my stomach like he’s protecting the child inside me from me. My baby isn’t even here yet and I’m already failing.

My eyes are burning with tears and they’re hurting from being directly faced with the wind. I want to tear at the scarless surgeon-fixed part of my wrist. I want to make it all out of me.

"Noah" my husband says my name.

"I’m tired! I want it to go away!" I cry out breathlessly and go still as an indescribable pain shoots through my body. My screams mellow into silent gasps and soundless tears as Elias sinks his teeth into my neck.

The pain and shock are more overwhelming than the things eating me from inside. Unpredictable hiccups start to leave my lips as my body shakes with the silent tears. I hate myself for still loving him and craving his affection.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I ask with a shaky voice and he doesn’t speak. Elias clamps down even harder. He’s biting hard enough that my blood drips down into the collar of my hoodie, turning pink into deep red.

"Why?" my voice falters with the loaded question.

’Why what? It’s not his fault you’re born this way. Look at me. Love me. Want me. Always begging for affection’ the voice in my head says.

"I’m in love with you, Elias. Why can’t...why don’t you love me? I want you to love me. Why can’t you?" the words fall out of my mouth with no filter. The more blood spills out of me; the more hidden part of me surfaces.

He finally pulls his canine out of my scent gland, but keeps his mouth near my neck as he laps up the red beads that keep escaping.

"I need to know the beginning, baby. I knew you were fucked in the head, but I need to know how fucked" he says and I break down again. "You said...you said I..." I can’t even speak the words again.

"You heard the family call?" he asks and I respond with a painful keen. It hurts a lot. My reaction and pain are irrational, granted, but my love for him is just as irrational.

"You think I don’t love you?"

"You don’t. You only want to get your hands on Winslow" I cry out and he rubs his hand over my belly.

"Yes, I want Winslow" he confesses and I slump against him. I have exhausted every ounce of energy I need in order to react to these words. I wish for my heart to expire right now, it’s too much for me.

"Look at me" Elias says and I shake my head. He forces my body around so I’m straddling him. It’s an uncomfortable position, but the discomfort is minute in comparison to the open hole in my chest.

"Look. At. Me" he grinds and I lift my eyes. His eyes are glassy. He looks like he’s about to cry.

"I’m not a liar, Angel" he says and my eyes drop. "Look. Angel, I said look" he says and I look.

"I want to use Winslow for my family’s gain, and you’re my safest way. But do you think any of those things outweigh how much I love you?"

"I..."

"Bite me" he says.

"What?" I startle.

"You heard me. Bite me" he repeats himself.

"Alphas don’t...tradition states that alphas do not get marked by omegas" I say though my sobs and Elias growls like he’s in pain for me.

"Fuck traditions, Noah. Tradition broke you. Fuck alphas. Fuck everyone and everything that broke you. I hate it when you cry, how many times do I have to say it? Do I have to pull my cold, dead heart out of my chest to show you how much you mean to me?" he asks and my lips tremble.

’I’m ugly on the inside, Elias. If my own mother could hate me, why would you love me?’ I ask in my head as a lone tear slides down my cheek. Elias catches it with his thumb and wipes it off.

"When you cry, baby...I don’t know what to do. I have never loved or possessed anyone as I do with you and I will never do this with anyone else like this for the rest of my life. I want...I want this badly with you, but I know that I will always mess up one way or the other because I’m like...this. Odd" he says and my eyes move from one of his eyes to the other.

No. In comparison to me; Elias is perfect. I smile all the time but I’m like this...messed up.

"I’m suicidal. I’m attention seeking. I’m--"

"Are you attention seeking or are those the words someone else used in describing you?"

"What’s the difference?" I ask bitterly as mom’s questions leave my mouth as if they’re mine. "What teenager slits their wrist all because their mother was unable to attend their graduation? What teenager--"

"You’re a love being, Noah. You’re made to love and to be loved" Elias lifts my hands and kisses my knuckles. He stains my knuckles with the blood on his lips, and my breathing shudders.

"Bite me" he says again. This time he cups my nape and pulls me close to his scent gland.

The car is still in motion. Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood is playing. The smell of my blood, our pup’s milk and his unrestrained spicy smell fills the car as I open my mouth over his neck,

"Possess me, Noah" he says and I sink my teeth into him.

’Mine’ my omega says.

’Mine. Mine. Mine’ he says again and again and again as the metallic taste of his blood floods my senses.

My wounds are not healed but right now...someone else’s blood is filling the cup the voices in my head want to fill with my own blood.