Chapter 70: Sadie: The Trey Situation (II)

SADIE

"Duh. Though I can’t blame him. I’d be into you if I were into women." She gives my arm a little squeeze. "And now I’m thinking about how he kissed your forehead before he left. Oh, he’s so into you."

My cheeks warm, which only seems to encourage her until she takes another look at me.

"But wait, you actually handled that really well. You made him talk it through." She looks at me with fresh appreciation. "Okay, emotional regulation. I see you."

"I didn’t handle it well," I admit. "I panicked. I pretended to be drunk so he wouldn’t kiss me again, and it was so embarrassing." My fingers pick at the corner of the pillow. "For a while, I got caught up in this stupid little fantasy about us. Then I asked him to name one thing he liked about me, and he couldn’t. That brought me back down pretty fast. Besides, what would you have done? Broken down crying?"

"Girl." She sits up straighter, like she needs me to understand how far off I am. "I’d be riding that man by now."

"Oh, gracious Goddess." I close my eyes and shake my head, but when I open them again, she’s still grinning. "Did you miss the part where he couldn’t name one thing he liked about me?"

"No, babe. I also heard that you put him on the spot right after accusing him of making a bet. Maybe he was trying to come up with something romantic and his brain gave up." She lifts a shoulder. "Guys like Trey are like a Bangladesh flag. Mostly green, with a little red in the middle. You have to decide which part you’re looking at."

My nose wrinkles. "That’s a terrible way to describe someone."

"Okay, then see what he does next. He agreed to take things slow, didn’t he?" Lola nudges my knee. "You’re also allowed to enjoy being with a hot guy who’s nothing like Ezra without deciding whether you’ll marry him. We’re in college, Sadie. Nobody’s asking you to make pups and raise a whole generation."

"That’s not a problem." A breath escapes me as I turn the pillow over, trying to work out how to explain something I barely understand myself. "I know he isn’t telling me he loves me. It’s not about what I expect from him. It’s about what I expect from myself. Thinking about being with him feels like betraying my own principles."

"In what way?" Her voice softens, giving me room to think about the answer.

I wet my lips. It feels stupid to admit this after everything that’s happened, but I don’t know how much of it is me and how much is the mate bond. It’s severed. I know that. Sometimes, though, I swear something still burns where it used to be.

"It feels weird talking to Trey like that. Kissing him." My eyes drop to the pillow in my hands. "Things ended with my true mate two weeks ago, Lola. And it’s not just because Trey’s his brother. I devoted years of my life to Ezra. I know I’m allowed to move on, but doing it this fast feels wrong." I try to find something that explains it better. "I don’t know how to put it, but—"

"Hey, hey." Lola moves closer and cups my face. "You can stop. I get it."

"You do?"

"Yeah. And I think I know why it feels wrong to you." She waits until I look at her. "First, do you really like Trey?"

I hesitate, even though I’m not fooling either of us. "Yeah. I wouldn’t have gotten this close to him if there wasn’t some kind of spark."

There I go with the spark again. One more mention and I’ll be a million-year-old hippo trying to explain the chemistry in a romance novel. There has to be another word for liking a guy, but I keep reaching for that one.

"Good." She nods. "Do you think he’s kind to you?"

That takes a little longer to answer. "He tries. When his mouth is shut, he’s actually a decent guy. And he cares in his own way."

"Did you force your way into his life?"

I shake my head. "It was almost the opposite. I was thinking about it in the bathroom, how fast everything happened. One minute my life was fine, and the next it had crashed and I was living with him. He was the one who asked me to move in."

"Perfect." Her thumbs move lightly against my cheeks. "So if there were no rules about how long you’re supposed to wait, and nobody could judge you for moving on too quickly, would you still feel like you were betraying yourself?"

The answer doesn’t come immediately. It’s an uncomfortable question to consider with her holding my face, especially when she seems to know which parts I’d rather leave out.

"This isn’t about your principles, Sadie. You’re scared of what people will think." Her gaze stays on mine. "You’ve spent years trying to do everything right, and now you’re considering something people might have a problem with. But you did everything you thought you were supposed to do for Ezra. You followed all those fucking rules. How did that work out for you?"

My throat tightens as I swallow. "Breaking rules doesn’t scare me."

"Maybe not consciously, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting you." Her palms remain warm against my cheeks. "Don’t let people who aren’t living your life decide when you’re allowed to be happy again. Or feel free. Or have an orgasm, for Goddess’s sake."

A startled laugh escapes me before I can help it.

"I’m serious." Lola keeps looking at me. "I told you to leave Ezra ages ago. You could’ve been done with him before freshman year ended if you’d listened, so please listen to me now. You deserve to be happy even if everything went to shit two days ago. Even if it was twenty-four hours ago. Ezra doesn’t get a vote, and neither does anyone else. Half those people would do worse and still expect you to clap for them."

For a moment, I just look at her. Then I lift my hands to cover hers, wishing she knew how much it means to have someone who can hear what I’m struggling to say and help me understand it. I’ve been turning this over in my head without getting anywhere, and Lola has finally given me something that makes sense. She’s right about freshman year, too. I could’ve saved myself so much trouble if I’d listened then.

"What am I supposed to do without you?" I whisper.

"Get the better Mercer. That’s what."

I shove her away, laughing despite myself. She catches my hands, laughing too, and we keep setting each other off until we’re both out of breath.

When we finally quiet down, I move closer and pull her into my arms as we settle beneath the covers, sweeping her hair away before it falls across her face.

"These two hardworking besties are going to be all right." I hold her a little closer.

"We always figure it out." Lola snuggles deeper against me, yawning into my shoulder. "All this heart-to-heart stuff made me sleepy."

I giggle softly. "Then go to sleep. Dream about me."

"I have better options," she mumbles into my shoulder, her eyes already closed.