Volume 3 Chapter 54 : DIAPER FORCE will go Eventually (violence)

Back at the front of the Ranch Motel, the MechRomancer MK 26 staggers and begins to fall over. Jacob panics; he clenches his ass and fires a sticky round from the crotch cannon. It flies across the parking lot and slams into The Cleaner. The Mk 26 crashes to the ground, scraping up the purple paint job.

The hapless but not helpless bug-like humanoid is stuck to the window of room 7. The cleaner blinks his many eyes at the MechRomancer. "I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE," he chitters as he pulls out a pair of sharp-looking putty knives. He waves them toward the giant robot. He quickly realizes that there is no point; he can't get free through force of will. Instead, he begins systematically cutting the goo away from his body. "I vow if I miss a single question on the family wheel, I WILL I WILL DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE!"

But Jacob has no idea any of this is happening. Instead, he is struggling to bring the suit upright. His anus is sore from slamming into controls without a seat belt. He looks around the cockpit and sees the strap and quickly connects the 5-point harness. The suit falls to the ground again as soon as Jacob's attention wavers.

Audrey sighs over the watch connection. "It's ok, Jacob; let me adjust the settings for your abilities," she says, and inside the basement, she sits down on a chair. "Please plug your watch into the dashboard. There is a cable next to the right joystick."

Jacob fumbles to get the cord inserted, the suit wobbling and beginning to fall over. At the last second before the suit hits the ground, the watch beeps and flashes, and the suit stands up straight.

The cockpit lights up in soft pastel colors, then fades back to its usual inky blackness. Jacob pulls the headset back in place. As he does, he watches as the controls individually slide into the console and then reappear as more childlike versions, like the industrial toy manufacturer Fisher-Price would have designed them. brightly colored and large with no real explanation of what or how they might work.

Jacob experiments with the controls. Some of them make beeping noises, some of them squeak, and some of them make rattling noises. Jacob notices right away that something is different. For one, the controls seem so much more intuitive; he pushes the joysticks forward, and the suit moves forward. He pulls the joysticks upward, and the mechromancer jumps.

Back in the basement of the Ranch Motel, Audrey's avatar jerks and moves, filling in the actual commands and interpreting Jacob's attempts at commands into veteran combat pilot skills.

Jacob puts the suit through its paces; he makes the suit run forward, then turn 90 degrees and jump. The suit flies through the air gracefully 10 feet straight up, then comically he puts his weight behind his fist and punches the ground, leaving a car-sized hole.

Audrey sighs over the intercom. "Do you think you have the basics down, little one? It's time to go deal with this threat to your naptime."

"Let's do this," Jacob says, hitting a button on the dash that sounds like a cow when he hits it and then pushing the controls forward.

The mechromancer suit starts running toward the side of the ranch; a small crowd of people cheer. Most seem happy to see the Ranch Motel defending itself, except one insectoid bitching loudly, cursing the day Jacob was born. His hands moving fast, he would not go like his parents stuck in an insect sticky trap.

Back at the defense screen, an enormous elbow has just entered the barrier. Its hand is digging into the ground to pull itself forward.

Grup grunts and jumps forward. He lands and grabs one of the fingers and bends it backward. There is a faint crunch, and the giant roars. He stares at Grup through the shield and, with a visible effort, lifts his hand and slaps down.

All of the wind in Grup's lungs leaves him at the same time as he is turned into a grumpy-looking pancake. He struggles to get up, but the hand holds him in place as the giant laughs. He feels his dense bones begin to strain.

Mars runs up and grabs another finger and bends it upward; it also makes a horrible noise before the hand starts to lift.

Grup crawls his way out from under the hand. "You couldn't think of an original way to save me?" Grup mumbles as he rolls clear of the hand.

"You're welcome, asshole," Mars says, reaching down to help him to his feet.

Dr. Blob Wibbles "This is like Godlizard vs. the giant naked man part 3," he burbles. "I wonder if it ends the same way... Late-night television is earth's greatest treasure," he finishes with an extra-large wibble to denote assurance.

"You can lend a hand at any time, blob." Grup says as he takes an opportunity to grab a fingernail and work his dense fingers under it. The hand tries to pull back, but with the ball of muscle known as Grup he is not so easily dislodged. He yanks upward with all of his strength, the nail bed rips, and the nail flies off.

It takes a moment to tumble through the air, flipping end over end, then gliding for a moment before slamming down into the dirt, sticking obscenely out of the ground.

With a howl louder than breaking a finger, the hand yanks itself back through the barrier. The skin is red from the burns as the energy from the shield turns momentum into heat.

"I will end your world, Orc. I will burn your world tree. I will eat your young," the astronaut says, staring at the blood dripping from his finger. He smashes at the shield. It flashes red once, twice, three times, and then continuously as the pylons are weakening.

Mars rushes forward, passing through the barrier, his body hair singeing. He takes a moment before he turns and throws himself at the hanging scrotum of the giant; his fist slams into one testicle in a perfect superhero punch. The giant roars and slaps at his testicles. The sound of one hand clapping is deafening; he falls backward.

Grup runs forward and grabs the giant's baby toe and yanks it. The toe comes off and flies in the air. It lands and rolls to a stop.

The giant rolls onto his belly and grabs Mars and throws him with all the rage of someone who has just been sack-slapped.

Mars flies through the air until the air becomes ground and he lands with a thud. A plume of dust erupts from the impact.

Grup watches as Mars picks himself up. "Do you want to help or not?" the heroic figure of Mars says as he dusts himself off. Grup looks at the barrier and decides, what the hell. He rushes through, his skin tingling as he passes.

Mars rushes toward the right big toe as he watches Grup run to the other foot and grab a toe and attempt to rip it off. But as he does, a pair of giant hands comes down and slaps both of them into the ground with sickening crunches.

Dr. Blob wibbles and turns red. Little bubbles of hydrogen and oxygen form inside him and erupt from his surface as the water splits with his rage. He rushes forward, trips, stumbles, and slams into the giant.

His blobby body phases into the giant; it orients itself as the giant roars, and he moves toward the creature's heart.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE A CLEVER BLOBBY, BUT I HAVE FACED YOUR KIND BEFORE," the creature shouts as it forces a mental link.

The abomination touches the mind of Dr. Blob and sends him every emotionally traumatic event that has happened in his life all at once. including the feeling of being shoved out into the vacuum of space and dying.

Dr. Blob jumps out of the creature, landing in a puddle of goo. He tries to raise a pseudopod but fails.

The three lay still, motionless, as the giant once again begins pushing himself through the weakened barrier.

Jacob has started running across the back field of the ranch, headed toward the barrier. He feels like a rockstar pilot; he figured out the controls so fast. They feel simple; they look childish, but he is able to intuitively control them. The MechRomancer rushes to the edge of the barrier. Jacob looks at the hand reaching through.

"What the hell? I thought Jack took care of him, Audrey. What do we do? He is massive," Jacob says, suddenly filled with doubt and anger about everything that had happened between the astronaut and Izzy.

The beat-up MechRomancer slumps under Jacobs' confusion. "You got this, Jacob; just kick his butt, and we can have nap time," Audrey demands. She cranks up her processors as far as she feels is safe and waits for Jacob to make a move. The sheer amount of data she is processing is taxing. Her original body was built with 100x the processing power and had hundreds of subdaemons who carried out the myriad of small tasks.

But her new body, the nursery of the ranch, was never designed for this level of combat. She makes a note to send Jack Harrington a strongly worded email about why she needs a server upgrade.

"Jacob? Are you ok in there?" Audrey asks and is met with silence. She activates the crotch cannon's interface vibration control. and watches the cockpit cam with a laugh as Jacob jerks back to the present.

"Just fake it, right, Audrey?" a still-tingling Jacob says to her.

As Jacob is getting ready to attack the giant, "WHO ARE YOU?" the asshole roars. "I will end you as well. I will be busy the next few years destroying everyone and everything, and then I will get my job back, and I will have that woman to myself...."

The mechromancer crouches down at Jacob's insistence, then springs up, slamming into the asshole, lifting him from his feet as the mechromancer's cock cannon swings up and slaps the astronaut in the balls again. They land with a thump 20 yards behind where they started.

The Mechromancer stands up and looks down at the bleeding giant. "I am your worst nightmare. I am the thing you think about when you pee in the night. I am the shadow out of the corner of your eye. I am the thing that will end you," Jacob shouts, feeling like a badass.

Audrey translates his ramblings into performative body positions, making his words have gravitas even if it looks sort of like a Power Ranger speech.

The asshole gets to his feet and grabs the dong of the Mechromancer. He lifts and swings and throws the suit far enough away that he is sure he has time to destroy the Ranch Motel. He begins once again pushing through the barrier.

However, before the barrier can let the giant through, the Mechromancer comes from behind and tries to punch the giant in the back of the head, but he rolls out of the way and kicks, knocking the MechRomancer to his knees. the right leg of the suit beyond repair.

The giant walks over to the heap that is the giant mech and grabs the face of the robot and yanks, pulling the cockpit open. Jacob screams as he thrusts the joysticks forward. Audrey, back at the nursery, translates this into beating the crap out of whatever is in front of the machine and does just that. The suit punches the ex-ponytail-wearing asshat in the face, sending him back down to the grass.

"If you broke my nose, I will destroy you!" the giant roars, and then for the first time, he sees who is inside the cockpit. "I know you... He knows you... I know... you. It's YOU... How is she... When I am done with you, she will be mine again... forever... and ever," the astronaut says, and then with a bloody nose he laughs; the sound is one of insanity.

Grup wakes up, every bone in his body hurts, the sky is so blue above him, and he notices the clouds are moving. Then he realizes he is moving. He looks to the left and to the right; he realizes he is traveling across the ground, gliding over bumps. "Blob," he grunts and coughs; he feels blood drain down his throat from his broken teeth.

"That's my name," the blob wibbles, making Grop swallow in pain as he chuckles.