Chapter 1: Wrong Guy

When Kai Mercer became a god, he had one foot out of a bathroom window.

His landlord was banging on his front door, wanting four months of rent. Kai didn’t care. He had a plan. The window was the plan. He always had the window. He had escaped through more windows than most people had walked through doors.

He put his other foot over the ledge.

No window.

[You have been chosen to become a god. If you fail, you will not exist.]

A message appeared in front of Kai, written in a golden font. He read it. He read it again. He even read it a third time, just to make sure.

It did not change.

"Wrong guy," Kai said, squinting at the message. "Try again."

The message flashed once and disappeared.

Kai looked around him, no bathroom, no window. At least there was no landlord he thpught to himself, that was nice but no pants, though. That was not ok, he was standing barefoot in an alley that smelled like fish and horse crap, wearing only his boxers, which had smiley-face tacos on them.

Two moons were out, the first one was white, and the other was green.

He also had an audience.

Everyone in the alley was staring at him and they were wearing wool and leather, like people at a renaissance fair. Some of them were holding baskets. One had a goat. Three guys with dinged-up helmets were holding spears and looked like they wanted to stab something.

A woman spoke to him in his mind.

[Host found. Hello, my name is Syraphim. I do not think you are who I was looking for]

Kai jumped so high that he almost fell face-first into the mud.

"I’m sure," Kai whispered, keeping his voice down so no one could hear him. "Who are you?"

[I am the god ascension system. I was made for the Holy Champion of Veyrath. He has never lied or sinned in his life. He is currently praying at a cathedral three hundred miles north of you. You are in an alley with no pants on]

"Send me back," Kai whispered.

[There is no send-you-back button. There are no refunds either]

A guard pushed through the crowd and pointed his spear at Kai’s chest. He was a large man with a bushy beard. To him, Kai was just some half-naked guy talking to himself.

"YOU!" the guard with the beard yelled at Kai. "You are a heretic! Tell me what god you worship, or I will cut you open!"

Kai raised his hands, which only made it easier for everyone to see the tacos on his boxers.

"Syraphim, what are the rules?" Kai whispered. "The quick version."

[Gods live off faith. You will need 100 people who believe in you within one year. If you fail, you will not die. You simply will not exist. Nobody on this planet or your previous one will remember you]

Another message appeared in front of him.

[True believers: 0/100]

[Days left: 365]

Kai swallowed as he hadn’t spoken to his mom in two years, and his ex had blocked him on all of his social media. They had probably already forgotten about him.

"How many people believe in me right now?" Kai whispered.

[None. But that woman selling fish has been looking at your boxers pretty hard. I will count her as a lead]

Kai looked to his right and the woman at the fish stand winked at him and licked her lips.

"Remove her," Kai whispered.

[Lead removed. Your heart rate just went up by 30%. Are you scared or horny? I am still learning about humans]

"Scared," Kai whispered.

"LAST CHANCE, HERETIC!" the guard with the beard yelled at him. "WHAT GOD DO YOU BELIEVE IN?"

Kai had gotten himself out of worse situations than this, before he had sold a dentist a crypto course that was just a YouTube video. He had told a cop that the TV he was stealing was a rescue animal. Kai could talk his way out of anything. His mouth just never let his brain catch up to it.

He lowered his hands and smiled.

"My god?" Kai said, opening his arms wide. "I believe you’re staring at him."

The alley was dead quiet.

"That guy is insane," one of the guards said.

"He has no pants on," another guard replied.

"He’s mine," the fish woman stated.

"KILL HIM!" the guard with the beard screamed.

Kai ran.

He was never fast, but panic made his legs move faster than they ever had before. He ran down the alley and slipped through what he hoped wasn’t blood. He ducked under some laundry that was hanging on a line. The guards chased after him, their armor clanking with every step.

"Syraphim!" Kai yelled as he ran. "Do I have any powers? Can I shoot fire? Anything?"

[You have 10 divinity points. These were meant for the Holy Champion. You can learn one skill. Minor Blessing, Minor Light, or Lesser Glamour]

"Lesser Glamour," Kai panted. "What does it do?"

[It will allow you to make something look like something else for one hour. The Holy Champion would have used it to make old bread look fresh for the less fortunate]

"That one," Kai said.

[Skill learned: Lesser Glamour. You have 0 divinity points left.]

[You did not ask what the other skills do]

"Yeah. Humans do that," Kai said.

Kai saw a cart full of cabbages ahead of him like the ones he had seen this in every movie. The hero jumps over the cart, all the bad guys crash into it, and the hero gets away in slow motion.

Kai jumped.

He landed on a rotting cabbage that was hanging over the side of the cart but he did not jump over it. He went through it. The cart fell over, and its wheel broke off. Cabbages flew everywhere, taking Kai with them.

He landed face-first in the mud.

[You did not jump]

"Yeah. I know," Kai groaned into the mud.

Someone was screaming behind him.

Kai flipped over and saw a little girl crouched in the corner of the alley that was about six years old. Kai had run right past her. She was directly in the guards’ path. They would have run over her without knowing she was there.

Now the three guards were waist-deep in cabbages.

The guard with the beard was on his back, swearing at the sky. The other two had run into each other. The little girl was safe in a circle with no cabbages around her. She was staring at Kai with big eyes.

"You’re welcome," Kai said.

The little girl picked up a cabbage and ran away.

[Interesting]

"What’s interesting?" Kai whispered.

[You failed, and that little girl is alive because you failed. I will remember that]

Kai didn’t have time to process that the guard with the beard was digging himself out of the cabbages. Kai grabbed the first thing he could reach on the laundry line and threw it on while he was running. It was a purple robe with flowers on it. It was very short and very thin. He had to hold it shut with one hand.

[That is a hooker’s robe. She must have been expensive]

"Then I look rich," Kai said.

Kai ran out of the alley and into a town square where he came to a screeching halt.

There was a stage in the middle of the square with a man was pacing across it, yelling at the crowd. Behind him was a line of people with chains around their wrists and ankles.

A slave auction.

Kai felt sick to his stomach, as he had done many bad things in his life. He had stolen from grandmas and lied to them as well. But he had never seen anything like this.

Then he saw her.

She was at the end of the chain, wearing a dirty gray dress that had once looked nice. Her hair was silver and messy. She was the only one on that stage with her head up. She was staring at Kai. Not at his robe or his legs. At him. Like she knew exactly who he was and didn’t care one bit.

"This is our last one for the day!" the salesman shouted, pulling her forward by her chains. "Mira of House Vallen! She is a true noble! She knows how to read, write, and speak four languages! Her father was executed for treason, so she’s a deal! Starting bid is fifty gold!"

"Fifty!" someone in the crowd yelled.

"Sixty!" a fat merchant yelled from the front row, looking at her like she was a piece of meat.

"Syraphim, how much money do I have?" Kai whispered.

[You have no money. You are wearing a stolen robe and taco underwear. The guards will be at the square in about 40 seconds]

Kai bent down and grabbed some rocks off the ground.

"Lesser Glamour," Kai whispered.

He felt warmth in his hand, and the rocks turned into gold coins.

[Oh. You are going to scam someone]

"Is that bad?" Kai whispered.

[I do not know yet]

"I’ll show you," Kai whispered.

He jumped on top of a crate and held the gold coins up in the air.

"I’ll pay two hundred gold!" Kai yelled.

The square went silent and everyone looked at the guy in the purple hooker’s robe. The salesman’s jaw dropped, and the fat merchant turned red.

"Sold!" the salesman said. "To the... sir in the robe!"

Kai walked up to the stage and handed the gold coins to the salesman, then he took the girl’s chain. She was almost as tall as him and smelled like smoke and rain. She leaned in and whispered in his ear.

"Those aren’t real," Mira whispered.

Kai’s stomach dropped.

[Your heart rate is rising. Scared or horny?]

"Yes," Kai whispered.

"HEY! THAT’S THE HERETIC!" someone yelled from across the square.

Kai turned and saw the guard with the beard pushing through the crowd. He was still covered in mud and cabbage leaves.

And in the salesman’s hand, one of the gold coins turned back into a rock.