Chapter 2: Scared, Horny, or Humiliated

The salesman looked at the rock, then at the rest of his coins, and then at Kai, and in the span of two seconds his face went from pale to bright red.

"He cheated! Rocks! I have rocks!" the salesman yelled.

"It was gold for most of it," Kai said.

One by one, the rest of the coins in the salesman’s hand began turning into rocks as well.

"Kill him! He took my slave!" the fat merchant yelled.

"You only bid sixty," Kai said. "She was never yours."

The bearded guard came charging through the crowd with two more guards behind him, and everyone scattered away from the stage. Kai looked to his left and then to his right, and then he looked down at the chain in his hand, which was still attached to Mira.

"Syraphim, I thought that would hold for an hour," Kai whispered.

[It will, but if anything hits it, or you drop it, or someone bites it, the glamour will break. The salesman bit one to see if it was real gold, and since they were all under the same glamour, they all broke]

"Why would he bite it?" Kai whispered.

[Humans like to bite things to see if they are gold. I will remember that for future reference]

Mira was just standing there staring at him, and she wasn’t scared at all. She was annoyed, like she was waiting in line at the bank and someone had just cut in front of her.

"Do you have a plan?" Mira asked.

"I have a plan," Kai said.

"What is it?" Mira asked.

"Run," Kai said.

Kai ran, but Mira did not, and the chain yanked him right back to her. She grabbed onto his robe to keep from falling over and ripped it right off one of his shoulders. The whole crowd gasped, and from somewhere behind them, the fish woman whistled.

[Your heart rate is increasing rapidly. Are you scared or horny?]

"Humiliated!" Kai said out loud.

Mira gave him a strange look, because no one had asked him anything.

[I see. I will add that to the list]

"I have chains on my feet, you idiot," Mira said, holding up the bottom of her dress. "I can only shuffle."

Kai looked down and saw that the chain around her ankles wasn’t even a foot long, and the guards were only twenty feet behind them.

Kai did what any normal person would do. He picked Mira up and threw her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Put me down!" Mira yelled.

"No!" Kai yelled.

"I am a noblewoman of House Vallen!" Mira yelled, kicking him and punching him in the back with her chained hands.

"And I’m a god," Kai said. "We both suck at being alive right now."

Kai ran across the square with her kicking him the entire time. She wasn’t light, which was a problem, because the heaviest thing Kai had ever carried was a six-pack of beer up a flight of stairs.

"Syraphim, I need to get out of here," Kai panted.

[There is an alley to your left, behind the fish stand. It will take you to the lower district. Also, if you drop the woman, you have a 73% chance of escaping]

Kai ignored her and kept right on running.

[Did you hear me? 73%]

"Yes, I heard you," Kai whispered.

[Then why are you still carrying her?]

"I bought her," Kai whispered.

[With rocks]

"Shut up and let me be the hero," Kai said.

Mira stopped kicking him and went completely silent on his shoulder.

Kai took a left behind the fish stand, where the fish woman was standing with her giant arms crossed. She smiled at Kai as he ran past, showing off every one of her missing teeth.

"Run along, sweetheart! I’ll deal with them!" the fish woman called out.

Kai reached the alley and heard something crash behind him, followed by someone screaming. He turned around just in time to see about forty pounds of fish land on top of the guards. The bearded guard was lying on the ground swearing, and his spear went sliding across the stones.

"Add her to the list," Kai whispered.

[Lead added to list. Interest level: high. She also stole one of the guards’ boots]

The alley sloped downhill, lined with old buildings that leaned in towards each other. Laundry hung on lines overhead, his bare feet splashed through cold puddles, and his robe kept trying to fly open while Mira hung off his shoulder, glaring at the ground.

"We can stop here," Mira said.

"How do you know they aren’t following us?" Kai asked.

"The city guards stay in the marketplace, and they won’t follow us into the lower district," Mira said. "They’ll try to circle around, but if we take a right at the tannery, we should be able to shake them."

Kai took a right at the tannery, and the smell hit him like a truck. There was no way to describe it, other than very, very bad.

"Why does it smell so bad?" Kai asked, gagging.

"They use piss to tan the skins," Mira said.

"Cool. I love that," Kai said.

Kai squeezed into a narrow gap between the tannery wall and a stack of barrels and set Mira down. She stumbled on her chained feet and fell right on top of him, and her chained hands landed on his bare chest. His robe was hanging off one shoulder and barely covering anything.

For a moment, they both lay there motionless, not even breathing.

She was close enough that he could smell her hair, and it smelled like smoke and rain. Her eyes weren’t as cold as he had expected them to be. They were curious and angry, with something else in them that he couldn’t put a name to.

[Your heart rate is increasing very rapidly. Are you scared, horny, or humiliated?]

"All of them," Kai whispered.

[I see. Humans are very inefficient. They can choose more than one]

"Who are you talking to?" Mira whispered.

Footsteps came around the corner, and Kai and Mira held their breath as three guards ran past. One of them was missing a boot and yelling about fish, and none of them thought to look between the barrels.

Mira let out her breath, and so did Kai, and then she pushed herself off of him as gracefully as she could and leaned back against the barrels.

"Who were you talking to?" Mira asked again.

"My system," Kai said.

"What system?" Mira asked.

"She’s a voice in my head, and only I can hear her," Kai said. "She’s kind of like my assistant. She helps me become a god."

Mira looked at him for a long moment.

"You’re crazy," Mira said.

"The guards said that too," Kai said.

"You bought me with rocks," Mira said.

"Glamoured rocks," Kai said.

"You lost your pants before you even got to the auction," Mira said.

"That wasn’t my fault," Kai said.

"And when your voice told you to drop me, you didn’t," Mira said.

Kai tried to come up with something to say, but nothing came to him. He was good at lying and could think of something for almost anything, but he couldn’t think of anything for this.

"You heard that?" Kai asked.

"I heard what you said," Mira said. "’Shut up and let me be the hero.’ Nobody talks to themselves like that unless they’re talking to someone."

[She is smart. I like her]

"Don’t," Kai said.

"Don’t what?" Mira asked.

"Not you. Her," Kai said.

Mira looked Kai up and down the same way people looked at him when they found out his crypto course was just a PDF of a YouTube video.

"Why did you buy me?" Mira asked.

Kai tried to think of a lie. He could tell her that he had seen her across the square and known she was meant to be his first follower, but for some reason, the lie wouldn’t come out.

"You were the only one up there with your head held high," Kai said. "I need followers, people who actually believe in me. If I don’t get enough of them in a year, I stop existing. So I figured my first follower should be cheap."

"That’s sweet," Mira said.

"Yeah, I know. I’m an asshole," Kai said.

Mira didn’t say anything, but the corner of her mouth twitched up into a small smile.

"A god who lies about his money and tells the truth about why he bought me," Mira said. "That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year. And my father was executed this year for a treason he didn’t commit."

A ding went off in Kai’s head, like his phone notifying him of something, and golden letters appeared in front of him that only he could see.

[Faith gained. Mira Vallen: 3%. Status: Skeptical.]

"Three percent?" Kai said.

[That is not bad. You have gained some divinity. You now have 1 divinity point]

"One?" Kai whispered.

[Faith is a powerful thing. She believes you are 3% of a god, which is very high for someone who thinks you are insane. I do not understand it. You failed at your con, you failed to run away, and you almost failed at keeping your robe on]

"What are you looking at?" Mira asked.

"A message," Kai said. "It says you think I’m three percent of a god."

"That’s too high," Mira said.

She held her chained hands up in front of Kai’s face and shook them so the chains rattled.

"If you want that number to go higher, you can get these off me," Mira said. "I know a blacksmith in the lower district who hates my father’s enemies more than he respects the law. He’ll take them off, if you can get me there without losing your robe."

"I make no promises," Kai said.

"Neither do I," Mira said.

Mira shuffled out of the gap and down the alley with her chains jingling, and Kai followed, trying to keep his robe closed.

"Syraphim, what can I buy with my point?" Kai whispered.

[Pants]